- Australian Reverse-Swirlie
- Finnish Finish
- Sicilian Kiss of Death
- Israeli Guilt Trip
- Head But BAMN
- Swirlie
- Irish Drunken Rage
- British Smile
- Canadian Nut Cruncher
- French Surrender
- Latvian Tickle
- Swedish Penis Enhancer
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Fifteen Retro Things We Don’t Want to See Come Back
- Reebok Pumps
- The scutellosaurus
- Hypercolor T-shirts
- Columbus Day
- Earth Day
- Slap bracelets
- <I>The Love Boat</I> (What? DAMN!)
- The Soviet Union
- Parachute pants
- Hitler
- Prohibition
- Diversity at Cal
- <I>Fame!</I>
- <I>Police Academy</I> movies
- Slavery
Trees or Robots?
Which Would You Choose?
TREES _ by Stephen M. Berger_
For years, I have been on a crusade to reveal the truth about trees and robots. Finally, I have my chance to show the world the merits of trees and the many faults of … Read More
Interview With The “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” Dog
Heuristic Squelch: We’re talking today with the “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” chihuahua, who has rocketed to fame with a series of popular commercials. Thanks for consenting to the interview.
Chihuahua: Thanks for having me.
H.S.: Now, before we begin, are … Read More
SMCAT
(Squelch Medical College Admission Test)
Ah, spring. Is there no greater joy in life than to watch the change of the seasons and to witness the rebirth of a fresh, green world? Well, not if you’re a freakin’ pre-med. Yes, that’s right my friends, it’s … Read More
One Non Blonde
No, I didn’t spend my winter in Jamaica. No, I haven’t spent lots of time in the sun. Yes, I did get my hair colored. What, you’re shocked? Guys actually do that? Well, child, sit down, take out a nice … Read More
Why I Love Moffitt Undergraduate Library
I have a special affection in my heart for Moffitt Library. The undergraduate library is, after all, the only place where we undergrads can lord our exclusivity over other groups. Often one can see skulking packs of low-browed and beady-eyed … Read More
Wouldn’t that be Cool?
When you’re watching the Oscars, and someone gives a really lame acceptance speech, do you ever wish you could be in the middle of the audience and just get up and say: “Good sir, I should compare your speech to … Read More
Ever Feel Smarter Than Your Professor?
It is standard in the life of any neurotic complainer to run out of personal flaws to foment over. When this happens, he casts his cynical gaze out at the world around him and continues his life of criticism. Scholars … Read More
Let’s make Iraq a State
Manifest Destiny III
In light of the controversy over recent developments in Iraq, not to mention controversy over recent “developments” in President Clinton’s pants, it has become increasingly obvious that the solution to the continuing Gulf Crisis will not be an easy one. … Read More
