- More people that listen to rap music, less people that can understand it.
- “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” Chihuahua replaced by “Yo Quiero Apple Pie” Labrador.
- Influx of tornadoes, trailer parks appear on Memorial Glade.
- Native American Studies becomes “Injun Studies.”
Author Archives: The Squelch
Questions That Are Likely to Get an Ambiguous Reply at Cal
- Wasn’t that the guy who had a 4.3 GPA in high school but then got addicted to drugs because of his numerous allures in this overly-competitive environment and is now
only still allowed to take classes ’cause he’s giving the
Trees or Robots?
Which Would You Choose?
TREES _ by Stephen M. Berger_
For years, I have been on a crusade to reveal the truth about trees and robots. Finally, I have my chance to show the world the merits of trees and the many faults of … Read More
Interview With The “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” Dog
Heuristic Squelch: We’re talking today with the “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” chihuahua, who has rocketed to fame with a series of popular commercials. Thanks for consenting to the interview.
Chihuahua: Thanks for having me.
H.S.: Now, before we begin, are … Read More
Why I Love Moffitt Undergraduate Library
I have a special affection in my heart for Moffitt Library. The undergraduate library is, after all, the only place where we undergrads can lord our exclusivity over other groups. Often one can see skulking packs of low-browed and beady-eyed … Read More
New Study Sheds Light On Retardation
According to the results of a recent study, 45% of Berkeley students were found to be socially retarded. In an interview, Chancellor Berdahl proudly announced “another victory for diversity.”
The majority of these students confirmed their retardation by admitting to … Read More
Berkeley Professors Denounce Wu-Tang Clan
Several Berkeley professors spoke out against members of the Wu-Tang Clan yesterday. “Wu-Tang ain’t shit. Fuck Wu-Tang. I’m da original Wu,” said math professor Hung-Hsi Wu. “Ol’ Dirty Bastard probably can’t even calculate a Fourier coefficient. Sheeeit, he’s just a … Read More
Diary of an Average Joe at Haas
Hey! That’s not the title I wrote. Damm editor! And my name is David. How could you forget my name? I gave you the best years of my life. Don’t tell me you have forgotten Paris, that cafe, and that … Read More
1998 Gulf War interview
A Heuristic Squelch Exclusive
We at the Squelch, as part of our continuous efforts to, uhh, start war, have conducted small interviews with some of the key players in this conflict.
Squelch: let’s start with you Madeleine Albright. What’s your take on the situation?… Read More
Baddest Motherfucker Alive Sighting
The Baddest Motherfucker Alive was spotted again yesterday near an intersection on Bancroft avenue. Several witnesses have confirmed that the Baddest Motherfucker Alive drove by in an Acura Integra sometime in the late afternoon. However, witnesses have given conflicting stories … Read More
