We at the Squelch, as part of our continuous efforts to, uhh, start war, have conducted small interviews with some of the key players in this conflict.
Squelch: let’s start with you Madeleine Albright. What’s your take on the situation?
M.A.: No one said he [pointing to Saddam] would be here! He’ll see the big board!
Squelch: Never mind that.
M.A.: You all know what the Iraqis are up to. Godless, heartless monsters, out to…
Squelch: Actually they’re very devout. They pray up to six times a day. When was the last time you prayed?
M.A.: Uh, never mind.
Squelch: Saddam, how do you respond to claims that you neglect your population and care not for their well-being?
Saddam: It is true.
Squelch: That you are willing to endanger their lives for the sake of your power?
Saddam: Yup.
Squelch: That you are building up an arsenal to unleash on your neighboring countries?
Saddam: Sounds like something I’d do.
Squelch: That if you’re not stopped you’ll keep doing this again and again?
Saddam: Uh-huh.
Squelch: Let me put it this way-can you give us one good reason not to bomb you?
Coalition to Oppose Bombing of Iraq: War hurts the population.
M.A.: Of course it does you idiots. It’s war!
Coalition: But the civilians haven’t done anything wrong.
M.A.: If we don’t stop him he’ll do it again and again, harming and disgracing the population several times as much.
Saddam: Who, your President?
M.A.: Shut up.
Uncle Joe: War is good, no?
M.A.: He’s arming Iraq, and with weapons no less.
Saddam: Let me ask you a question. Does the U.S. have weapons?
M.A.: Of course.
Saddam: I see. And France, and Great Britain?
M.A.: Yes of course, but I don’t see what…
Saddam: How about Norway, Russia, China?
M.A.: Listen stoopid it’s a natural right of people to defend themselves, I mean, um…
Saddam: You know, if there were oil in Bosnia, maybe you materialistic, CNN-brainwashed turds would quit bullying me. And leave my population alone!
M.A.: You expect us to buy this?
Saddam: I’ve changed, honestly, I’ll never do it again. You, Madeleine, have taught me that war is not a means by which to solve our problems, that love and humanity must be our torchlights. You, Squelchie, have taught me that I can’t go doing whatever I want without getting brutally mocked. You, Polyphemos, have taught me that it only takes one eye to see in here [points to heart]. But I’ll miss you most of all Scarecrow!
M.A.: Enough of this circus, [phone rings; Madeleine answers] Yes mein F++hrer, I mean, Mr. President. It looks as if the people are against us.
Squelch: Saddam, I’m sorry to have misjudged you. You are a progressive and open guy. and you’re willing to change. What do you do in your free time?
Saddam: I write poems. Mostly about my angst. Here’s one: “I remember when Rock was young/Me and Suzie had so much fun…”
Squelch: That’s amazing.
Saddam: Or, “Twinkle twinkle little bat / How I wonder where you at.”
Squelch: Incredible.
Saddam: “He drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a lager drink…”
Squelch: Wait a minute.
Saddam: Or how about, “(spice up your life) every boy every girl (spice up your life)…”
Squelch: Oh no.
Saddam: [carried away] One of ray favorites, “Sorry I’m not home right now / I’m walking in the spider webs / Leave a message and I’ll call you back.”
Squelch: Do you mean to say that you have been behind all the garbage that has gone under the name of American popular culture over the past few years?!
Saddam: 20 years to be exact. The Village People, Vanilla Ice, Batman and Robin, Sabrina the Teenage Witch…
Uncle Joe: Shipchik! Sabrina, da, shipchik!
Saddam: Ha ha ha, all you can do is send U.N. inspectors over to try and stop me. Fools! Hahaha.
Coalition: Bomb the bastard.
M.A.: Hallelujah! [breaks into song)”… the glory of the lord …the vineyards where the grapes of wrath are stored…”
Saddam: Shit, I’ve said too much. I knew telling the U.N. that ray missile plant was a dairy was going a little too far.
Uncle Joe: Shipchik!
