1998 Gulf War interview

A Heuristic Squelch Exclusive

We at the Squelch, as part of our continuous efforts to, uhh, start war, have conducted small interviews with some of the key players in this conflict.

Squelch: let’s start with you Madeleine Albright. What’s your take on the situation?

M.A.: No one said he [pointing to Saddam] would be here! He’ll see the big board!

Squelch: Never mind that.

M.A.: You all know what the Iraqis are up to. Godless, heartless monsters, out to…

Squelch: Actually they’re very devout. They pray up to six times a day. When was the last time you prayed?

M.A.: Uh, never mind.

Squelch: Saddam, how do you respond to claims that you neglect your population and care not for their well-being?

Saddam: It is true.

Squelch: That you are willing to endanger their lives for the sake of your power?

Saddam: Yup.

Squelch: That you are building up an arsenal to unleash on your neighboring countries?

Saddam: Sounds like something I’d do.

Squelch: That if you’re not stopped you’ll keep doing this again and again?

Saddam: Uh-huh.

Squelch: Let me put it this way-can you give us one good reason not to bomb you?

Coalition to Oppose Bombing of Iraq: War hurts the population.

M.A.: Of course it does you idiots. It’s war!

Coalition: But the civilians haven’t done anything wrong.

M.A.: If we don’t stop him he’ll do it again and again, harming and disgracing the population several times as much.

Saddam: Who, your President?

M.A.: Shut up.

Uncle Joe: War is good, no?

M.A.: He’s arming Iraq, and with weapons no less.

Saddam: Let me ask you a question. Does the U.S. have weapons?

M.A.: Of course.

Saddam: I see. And France, and Great Britain?

M.A.: Yes of course, but I don’t see what…

Saddam: How about Norway, Russia, China?

M.A.: Listen stoopid it’s a natural right of people to defend themselves, I mean, um…

Saddam: You know, if there were oil in Bosnia, maybe you materialistic, CNN-brainwashed turds would quit bullying me. And leave my population alone!

M.A.: You expect us to buy this?

Saddam: I’ve changed, honestly, I’ll never do it again. You, Madeleine, have taught me that war is not a means by which to solve our problems, that love and humanity must be our torchlights. You, Squelchie, have taught me that I can’t go doing whatever I want without getting brutally mocked. You, Polyphemos, have taught me that it only takes one eye to see in here [points to heart]. But I’ll miss you most of all Scarecrow!

M.A.: Enough of this circus, [phone rings; Madeleine answers] Yes mein F++hrer, I mean, Mr. President. It looks as if the people are against us.

Squelch: Saddam, I’m sorry to have misjudged you. You are a progressive and open guy. and you’re willing to change. What do you do in your free time?

Saddam: I write poems. Mostly about my angst. Here’s one: “I remember when Rock was young/Me and Suzie had so much fun…”

Squelch: That’s amazing.

Saddam: Or, “Twinkle twinkle little bat / How I wonder where you at.”

Squelch: Incredible.

Saddam: “He drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a lager drink…”

Squelch: Wait a minute.

Saddam: Or how about, “(spice up your life) every boy every girl (spice up your life)…”

Squelch: Oh no.

Saddam: [carried away] One of ray favorites, “Sorry I’m not home right now / I’m walking in the spider webs / Leave a message and I’ll call you back.”

Squelch: Do you mean to say that you have been behind all the garbage that has gone under the name of American popular culture over the past few years?!

Saddam: 20 years to be exact. The Village People, Vanilla Ice, Batman and Robin, Sabrina the Teenage Witch…

Uncle Joe: Shipchik! Sabrina, da, shipchik!

Saddam: Ha ha ha, all you can do is send U.N. inspectors over to try and stop me. Fools! Hahaha.

Coalition: Bomb the bastard.

M.A.: Hallelujah! [breaks into song)”… the glory of the lord …the vineyards where the grapes of wrath are stored…”

Saddam: Shit, I’ve said too much. I knew telling the U.N. that ray missile plant was a dairy was going a little too far.

Uncle Joe: Shipchik!