The Daily Californian, UC Berkeley’s strangely eerie student-run newspaper, stunned the campus community earlier this week with an unexpected announcement. “We have long called The Daily Californian UC Berkeley’s student-run newspaper,” began the official spokesperson. “After much thought and deliberation, … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
A Flagrant Abuse of Editorial Power
Communication is a neat thing. It’s neat not only because it gives sorority chicks something to major in while being completely blitzed out of their minds on coke, but also because there are so many ways to go about it. … Read More
Daily Cal Changes Motto
The Daily Californian, UC Berkeley’s strangely eerie student-run newspaper, stunned the campus community earlier this week with an unexpected announcement. “We have long called the Daily Californian UC Berkeley’s student-run newspaper,” began the official spokesperson. “After much thought and deliberation, … Read More
How to Be a Misanthrope
On the Berkeley campus, it’s hard to be a misanthrope. Everyone is constantly accosting you. It became clear about twelve minutes into my tenure at Berkeley that it was going to be mighty difficult to get people to leave me … Read More
Freshman Disorientation
Hey there boys and girls, my name is Dick. My sister Jane and I used to be innocent freshmen just like you until we broke free from the neo-Puritanical mores of 1950’s retro art and entered the drug induced world … Read More
Rick Starr Named New Spice Girl
A number of reports out of London are saying that Sproul Plaza crooner Rick Starr will join the Spice Girls in time to finish their American tour. The former fivesome that became a foursome after the departure of “Ginger Spice” … Read More
Koo Can’t Cook
Every evening, the question in my apartment is: What shall we have for din-din? As I get sick and tired of wondering what to scavenge for my daily requirement of protein and fat, I have decided to offer suggestions as … Read More
Top Ten Things That Will Wake You Up at 4:00 a.m.
- A baby in the microwave
- Some guy in your bed with his hand on your breast
- A drunken sorority girl.
- IDS 142, which anyone can easily sleep through at 4PM, but suddenly becomes earth-shatteringly interesting twelve hours later
- Cat dander
Top Ten Stupid Names for Crepe Restaurants
- Netscrepe
- Really Nasty Shit-Flavored Crepes
- Gang Crepe
- The Crepe of Good Hope
- Crepes-A-No-Go
- The Crepes of Wrath
- The Crepe of the Lock
- Crepe Me
- Crepe Fear
- Statutory Crepe
Top Ten Little-Used Hair Care Products
- U.S.S. Nimitz
- 3M HCI
- Bong water
- Dandruff Control Sheep’s Placenta
- Heineken
- Smells like Swamp Ass
- Head and Crotches
- Just for Eunichs
- KY Jelly
- Napalm
