Tempers flared last week when an unnamed Berkeley student defecated on the BAMN table on Sproul Plaza. The incident followed a heated argument between the student and BAMN member Heather Bergman regarding the minority status of Eskimos on the Berkeley … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Southside Terrorized By Serial Pillager
The Berkeley Police Department has announced that there is a serial pillager on the loose in the Southside area. Victims say the pillager “rides a horse,” is “about 6’4″, dirty, with a long, heavy sword and big boots,” and resembles … Read More
Students Plan Protest for Department of Pornography
Berkeley Students Fighting For a Department of Pornography By Any Means Necessary is planning a sit-in on Sproul Plaza next week, says President Arthur Roerbacher. The group has been waging war with campus administrators and the Board of Regents for … Read More
Osei-Frimpong Announces Formation of New “Evil” Student Party
Former ASUC President Irami Osei-Frimpong has announced the formation of his new “Students for Evil” political party. The new student political group will be dedicated to the spread of evil throughout UC Berkeley.
“I simply did not feel that evil … Read More
EECS Department Debates New Requirements
Tempers flared at a recent organizational meeting of the Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Department when the Horde of Angry Roommates of Engineering Majors (HAREM) lobbied the EECS curriculum board to make the Turing Test a requirement for graduation.
The … Read More
Calprig Strikes Deal with Hockey Team
In another maniacal protest for the environment, a member of CalPIRG brutally attacked and wounded, several members of the Cal Ice Hockey Team last week.
Trying desperately to get students to attend their games, all four members of the ice … Read More
Judge Judy Rocked By Scandal
The popular television courtroom drama “Judge Judy” has been assailed with recent accusations that its tag line, “Real people, real cases, Judge Judy” is inaccurate.
“The show claims to use real people, but this is misleading,” stated Hank Piedlourde of … Read More
Ill Communication
In a controversial decision, Chancellor Robert Berdahl has announced the dissolution of Berkeley’s Mass Communications Department. Fed up with wasting all those resources on people who just end up becoming housewives and professional cocaine addicts, Berdahl has sent the whole … Read More
Why Everything is So Completely Worthless
Three years at Cal. Like most of my classmates, I’ve taken part in discussions on topics ranging from affirmative action and campaign finance reform to the Vietnam war and America’s role in the post-cold war global economy. I’ve been immersed … Read More
An Objective Look at Cal Cheerleaders
On several occasions. I’ve been forced to sit through a spectacle more frightening than an all-night Step by Step marathon. Yes kiddies. I’m talking about Cat’s cheerleaders. It’s a well-known fact that the “No fruit, glass, or cans” rule at … Read More
