Tempers flared last week when an unnamed Berkeley student defecated on the BAMN table on Sproul Plaza. The incident followed a heated argument between the student and BAMN member Heather Bergman regarding the minority status of Eskimos on the Berkeley … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Southside Terrorized By Serial Pillager
The Berkeley Police Department has announced that there is a serial pillager on the loose in the Southside area. Victims say the pillager “rides a horse,” is “about 6’4″, dirty, with a long, heavy sword and big boots,” and resembles … Read More
Students Plan Protest for Department of Pornography
Berkeley Students Fighting For a Department of Pornography By Any Means Necessary is planning a sit-in on Sproul Plaza next week, says President Arthur Roerbacher. The group has been waging war with campus administrators and the Board of Regents for … Read More
Osei-Frimpong Announces Formation of New “Evil” Student Party
Former ASUC President Irami Osei-Frimpong has announced the formation of his new “Students for Evil” political party. The new student political group will be dedicated to the spread of evil throughout UC Berkeley.
“I simply did not feel that evil … Read More
Top Ten People Who Got Game
- Courtney, ’cause she’s a dirty whore
- Any Human Biodynamics Major
- KenJowitt
- Al Gore
- Ram Man
- Nebraska
- Milton Bradley
- TheNRA
- We do, bitch.
- Deep Blue
Top Ten Least Popular Dance Steps
- The Terrified Croatian
- Disco
- The Uncontrolled Bladder
- The Grand Jury Jive
- The Sorority Girl Split
- Rhombus Dancing
- Hide the Stain
- The Dislocated Shoulder
- The Gettysburgh
- Walk with an Erection
Top Ten ASUC-Inspired Stage Productions
- Corruptus Cristi
- Who’s Afraid of Molly Hooper?
- Twelfth Night of Yelling at Each Other and Accomplishing Nothing
- Gross Inactivity
- Rats
- How I Failed at Everything Without Really Trying
- Death of a Spitfire
- Jesus Christ, Megalomaniac
- Irami on the Roof
- Waiting
Top Ten Better Uses for the Space Allotted to a Daily Californian Column
- Scratch ‘n sniff Cal offensive line
- Origami
- Always QuickWrap<sup>TM</sup>
- CalPIRG rant
- Turkey sandwich (mmmmmm….)
- Place to wipe boogers
- MCAT answers
- More “No Exit” cartoons
- Stolen credit card numbers
- Doodle square
Top Ten Failed New Fall Sitcoms
- Frasier
- The C+ Team
- OJ’s House
- Molested by an Angel
- Me and My Syphilitic Uncle
- The Good Samaritans
- The Corey and Corey Show
- The Corey Haim Show
- The Corey Feldman Show
- Three Washed-Up Actors and a Child Star
Top Ten Ways to Make the Stock Market Go Up
- Go back to the gold standard
- American Brides for pennies on the dollar!
- Viagra
- More blue chips, less buffalo chips
- World War III
- Destabilize more third-world economies
- Get Alan Greenspan laid
- Lower everything else
- Helicopter
- Elevator
