1903
At a summer retreat for politicians and industrialists, Roosevelt is paired up with oil baron John D. Rockefeller. In one of the ice-breaker activities, Rockefeller lets himself fall backwards, trusting that Roosevelt will catch him. Roosevelt instead steps aside … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
ASUC Fights Fire with Paper
ASUC senators this week passed a bill requesting that UC Berkeley students “please stop getting caught in fires,” along with formally condemning those who do. Actually dying in fires is particularly frowned upon in the hard-hitting bill, which offers more … Read More
Chronicles of a Persian Childhood
A Persian upbringing instills in a child a sense of family, a commitment to education, and strong moral values. Unfortunately, this upbringing is also full of brutality, humiliation, and constant mockery. To survive childhood, a Persian child must endure sufficient … Read More
Whiteout in Wyoming
Monday, February 21st
I flew separately from the family on our vacation to Jackson Hole. On the plane, I am stuck between Babushka one and Babushka two, who seem to be doing crosswords in Russian. I flip through the Skymall … Read More
What am I going to do with myself?
Frank was a 22 year old recent Cal graduate, and he didn’t know what he was going to do with himself. The summer after graduation had struck him like a thunderbolt, and when he regained rational thought he noticed it … Read More
Top Ten Ways to Disguise an Erection
- Penis Protection Program
- In a t-shirt that reads “This is not an erection”
- Give it a mustache and overcoat
- Cast it alongside mega-hunk Mel Gibson
- Drill a hole through the back of your backpack and hold in front of you
Top Ten New Ethnic Clubs on Campus
-
Invade me, I’m French
-
Frisk my anal cavity for drugs, I’m Colombian
- Devalue my currency, I’m Japanese
- Kindly remove the war hammer I’ve embedded in your spine, I’m Mongolian
- Give me your fucking land, I’m American
- Help me to clean
Top Ten Impossible Carnival Games
- Knock over three skyscrapers with a softball
- One of those games with a squirt gun and either galloping horses, or inflating balloons…
- Throw a dart and inflate the balloon
- Toss water into a dish floating on a pool of quarters
Top Ten Beatles Songs Popular in Nazi Germany
-
Paperback Burner
-
I Wanna Seize Your Land
- When I’m 64 Pounds
- Back in the USSR, Where We Lost Half of Our Land Forces
- Yesterday (Allied Forces Seemed So Far Away)
- Strawberry Fields Until the Allies Invade
- With a Little Help
Top Ten Hackneyed Movie Taglines
- A controversial film by Oliver Stone
- Where man is the endangered species
- Part x. Part y. All x
- By the producers of The Air Up There
- She?s the best cop in the world, he?s a dinosaur
- In the world of
