Investigators this week officially called off all efforts in the investigation of missing intern Chandra Levy, declaring, “Come on, she’s so dead already. What are we going to find anyway? I’m sure she rotted away months ago, assuming she’s even … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Entire Bag of Bagels Tastes Like Onion Bagels
A 10:00am meeting at Berkeley’s Ecology Law Center was spoiled earlier this week when it was discovered that all thirteen bagels purchased by intern Jenny Fialla tasted like onion. The culprit was allegedly a single onion bagel placed in the … Read More
School Shooting News Template
[City, State]- A student gunman killed [number] and wounded [number] people at a [suburban/urban] [city] high school on [day] before [type of employee] brought him down in a gun battle, police say. Besides the alleged shooter, who authorities identified as … Read More
Pro-Life Rally Blah Blah Blah
Blah blah pro-life demonstration blah blah blah disturbing photographs blah blah controversy blah blah blah.
“Abortion is the really sickening thing, blah blah Jesus blah blah the Bible,” said some pro-life guy.
“Blah blah women’s rights blah blah blah,” said … Read More
Sex Had with Your Mom Last Night
I, along with many others, engaged in sexual intercourse with your mom last night, it was reported today. The reasons behind the incident last night remain unconfirmed, however most experts have attributed it to the fact that your mom is … Read More
He Won’t Invite You to Sleep Over?
5 NEW Reasons Why!
Many women have the problem of not feeling comfortable demanding the things they want. And while subtly hinting at things in a roundabout fashion can offer numerous opportunities to plunge into inexplicable fits of rage or depression when unstated demands … Read More
Donuts are Better than Shoes
Ladies, I know how it is. You pass by a shoe store, you start brimming with glee, and you just have to get in there and shop, shop, shop. I know this, because I’m the same way. Being a man, … Read More
Artificial Conversations
Chatbot: The Squelch interview
We caught up with Chatbot on the promotional website for A.I.: Artificial Intelligence. Polite and stylish, Chatbot proved to be a real people person.
Chatbot: Hello, my name is Chatbot. What’s your name?
The Heuristic Squelch:… Read More
Kelloggs Continues Apple Jacks Tradition
Inspired by the success of its nonsensical “It doesn?t taste like apples” Apple Jacks ad campaign, the Kelloggs Marketing Division has announced the release of a brand new cereal which will be pushed by a similar campaign. The new cereal … Read More
Conversation with Homeless Guy Mildly Unsettling
College students Chuck Chichester and Delilah Wright glanced uneasily at each other Friday as their attempt to engage a homeless man in a friendly verbal exchange developed into a full-blown social interaction which threatened to spiral totally out of their … Read More
