Ladies, I know how it is. You pass by a shoe store, you start brimming with glee, and you just have to get in there and shop, shop, shop. I know this, because I’m the same way. Being a man, of course, I’m content with the single pair of black leather Sketchers that I already own (and have for sixteen months and then some, thank you very much), but even I in all my manliness am not immune to the shopping bug. For while I can stroll past a Foot Locker or (a little further down) Athlete’s Foot without batting an eyelash, I can’t pass by a donut shop without reaching instinctively for my shopping helmet.
Yes, I’ll admit it. I love donuts. I love buying donuts. I love perusing the racks upon racks of possibilities, daring myself to spend the extra change on pastries on the upper end of the fanciness spectrum. My loins stir knowingly as the little foreign man drops each confection into the paper bag, even as my mind wonders why he includes the wax paper. (The wax paper is supposed to protect the donut from his hand nasty, right? So what’s the point of putting the hand nasty in the bag with the donut? What the balls?)
But I digress. The point is, I’ve discovered that donut shopping can be just as satisfying as shoe shopping. Plus, a donut costs about one hundredth the price you’d pay for a comparable shoe, so making the switch from shoes to donuts will lighten the demands on your bank account, leaving you with more money to buy me presents.
What’s the best thing about shoe shopping? Selection, of course, and what product offers better selection than the almighty donut? For casual days, there’s the cake, old fashioned, and raised varieties. For something a little more professional, there’s the fancy genus, including twists, bars, and jellies. There’s even the extra-fancy offerings for formal events. In the mood for something sexy? Look no further than the alluring custard bar. Delicately molded into a satisfying phallus and overflowing with white, gooey goodness, the custard bar can do anything a penis can do and more. But this is my obsession, and I digress. I’ll leave the penile parallels to your imagination.
At this point you may protest that selection isn’t limited to the shoes themselves. Half the fun is picking a store. I realize that, of course, and would have gotten directly to it if you hadn’t interrupted me. There will always be plenty of merchants to choose from when hunting for donuts. Why, in Berkeley alone there’s the upscale treats of Kingpin and BayKing, the sensible and reasonably-priced Neutron Bakery, and the two for one deals at the Touchless Carwash, the Payless Shoe Source of the donut world. Also, like strappy platform shoes, which only Asian girls wear, there are donuts that only Asians eat, such as those available at Donut Star Chinese Cuisine. Finally, if you’re in the mood to spend money for no good reason, you can always jackass on down to Krispy Kreme and pay inflated prices for miniature donuts. It’s just like shopping at…there must be a shoestore that fits this description.
So next time you wander past a shoe store and your spending finger starts to itch, take a look around to see if there are any donuts about. Then buy some donuts, and then buy me a present. But don’t buy me any donuts, since I’m trying to cut down. Just lard and sugar, after all.