In a unanimous vote, Green Lantern, Superman, Batman, Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, Plastic Man, Flash, and Aquaman have decided to offer support to the U.S. effort to combat global terrorism. “We helped rebuild Metropolis from rubble when it was destroyed, … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Music Beat
Yes, Michelle Branch, I Will Have Sex With You
If you’re like me, you listen to music to escape reality. If I’m feeling depressed, I’ll listen to Kool and the Gang’s “Celebrate.” If I’m feeling lazy, it’s Huey Lewis’ “Sports.” If I haven’t eaten for a few days it’s … Read More
Top Ten Things You Would Do If You Ran the Zoo
- Ten lucky kids bring home a zebra stripe
- Cradle your torn-off arm in your remaining arm
- Cradle baby tigers in your arms
- Increase flamingo availability for use as croquet mallets
- Bleach everything, call it albino
- Many boring small cages become
Top Ten Worst Things to Say in a Courtroom
- “They will be brought to justice or justice will be brought to them.”
- “Is she typing everything I say? Even ‘blarvemarf’?”
- “Not not not not not guilty.”
- “The only thing separating you from me is a law degree, a shitload
Top Ten Signs You Might Be Psychic
- When you were five you said “Someday I’ll go to Berkeley and live in a shithole apartment.”
- You could win the lottery if you wanted to
- Is this your card?
- You’re homeless and need change
- You knew Original Sin was
Top Ten Responses to “Are We There Yet?”
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“Don’t make me break your thumbs again.”
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“Kinda.”
- “We arrived an hour ago. We’re sitting in the kitchen.”
- “No, Moses says we’ve got 39 more years.”
- “Every time you ask, it gets a little farther away.”
- “No, when you
Top Ten Contingency Plans for a Magic Trick Gone Awry
- Explain that she won’t levitate because she’s heavy with sin.
- Accuse lovely assistant of sabotage
- Magically, the rings are attached and won’t ever come apart!”
- “Okay, you do it!”
- “And now I shall make an ambulance appear.”
- Just say, “Did
Top Ten Ways to Hit on the Attractive Person Driving Behind You
- Just be yourself
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of prophylactics and birth control pills
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of rose petals
- Any which way but loose
- Drive defensively, but not too defensively
- Befriend the less-attractive friend driving behind them
- Release silky
Top Ten Ways to Avoid a Shark Attack
- Cover self with fun house mirrors so you look like a bigger shark
- Dress up like a girl shark and flirt (Warning: May result in shark rape)
- Play dead
- Be the lead character
- Your first day in the ocean, beat
Top Ten Alternatives to the Metric System
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Breadboxes
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Will it fit in my ear / will it fit in my mouth?
- Tall, Grande, & Venti
- Always rounding up
- Just hitting shit with hammer until it fits
- Inches & ounces & quarts & furlongs & leagues
- Tantric System
