- Ten lucky kids bring home a zebra stripe
- Cradle your torn-off arm in your remaining arm
- Cradle baby tigers in your arms
- Increase flamingo availability for use as croquet mallets
- Bleach everything, call it albino
- Many boring small cages become
Author Archives: The Squelch
All-Purpose Protest Movement Planned
Various factions of Berkeley protestors have banded together to combine their respective causes under the blanket “Anti-War” banner in an all-purpose protest movement that promises to attract far more attention than any one group could muster on its own.
“For … Read More
Urinal Art
“Hypocrites! All of you! I’m taking my urinal and getting out of here.”
At the turn of the century, a group of artists tried to banish pretentiousness from the art world by opening a museum which would exhibit any work … Read More
Bitten by the Witster
Sometimes people come up to me and ask, “Hey Freddy: why you so witty, yo?” And I say, “Well, my name isn’t Fredrick Witster for nothing.” Then, they shake their heads and think, “Man, that Freddy … he’s the greatest. … Read More
Asians Fight For Reputation
A recent study by Asian-Americans for a Yellow America, or AAYA (pronounced ai-yah), an Asian watchdog group, reveals that long-held opinions about Asian men being submissive, feminine, poorly equipped, and “trying too hard to be cool” are on the decline.… Read More
Bedtime Story
“Daddy,” came the voice from behind as Mr. Levine tried to tiptoe quietly out of the room. “Can you tell me a bedtime story?”
Mr. Levine sighed heavily. He was a busy man. Overworked, prematurely gray at the temples, and … Read More
U.S. So Totally, Totally Out of Money
President Bush announced today that the United States is “so totally broke.” “The disaster relief efforts, combined with our current economic slowdown and the tax cut, have run through our entire budget,” said Bush with a resigned shrug, sporting a … Read More
Insignificant Life Now Self-Consciously Insignificant
Student Kevin Petit, 22, had always led a shallow, empty life devoid of any true pleasures, notable accomplishments, spiritually fulfilling experiences, or emotionally meaningful interpersonal relationships. Since September 11, however, the crushing emptiness of Petit’s life has become more painfully … Read More
Haunt You Up Good
Ghoul-reetings, ladies and ghoul-tlemen! Perhaps you’ve thought, “I’d like to get in on that haunted house action this Halloween, but how?” Just follow these three simple steps.
Step 1:
To fashion a truly spook-tacular haunted house, one must first choose … Read More
Justice League Offers Support to U.S.
In a unanimous vote, Green Lantern, Superman, Batman, Martian Manhunter, Wonder Woman, Plastic Man, Flash, and Aquaman have decided to offer support to the U.S. effort to combat global terrorism. “We helped rebuild Metropolis from rubble when it was destroyed, … Read More
