- Tiger pit just inside door
- Inflict a storm of sour vitriol on each individual person who comes in late rather than wait until about forty minutes into the lecture, when everone who’s going to come in late has already come
Tag Archives: top ten
Top Ten Impossible Carnival Games
- Knock over three skyscrapers with a softball
- One of those games with a squirt gun and either galloping horses, or inflating balloons…
- Throw a dart and inflate the balloon
- Toss water into a dish floating on a pool of quarters
Top Ten Beatles Songs Popular in Nazi Germany
-
Paperback Burner
-
I Wanna Seize Your Land
- When I’m 64 Pounds
- Back in the USSR, Where We Lost Half of Our Land Forces
- Yesterday (Allied Forces Seemed So Far Away)
- Strawberry Fields Until the Allies Invade
- With a Little Help
Top Ten Ways to Respond to “Have You Been Flossing”
- “You’re just a frizzy haired white woman making a comfortable wage, what are you gonna do about it?
- “If by ‘floss’ you mean ‘masturbate,’ then yes.”
- “No, but you can keep what you find.”
- “What do you think these birds
Top Ten Items Found in a Prison Gift Basket
- Jar of sunshine
- Ring of keys, but not those keys
- Two consecutive lifetime supplies of chocolate
- Funyuns
- Chip to wear on your shoulder when you get out
- License plate starter kit
- Cake w/ emory board
- DVD of “Dead Man Walking”
Top Ten Things to Do on a Beautiful Day
- Wake up at 5pm and realize you missed it all
- Find a Frisbee and the closest unshaven girl to play with
- Code photo-realistic 3-D sunlight effect in basement of video game company
- Tape the day, and save it for later
Top Ten Things to Do With Extra Pubic Hair
- Wait…yours or mine?
- Coat it with honey to create “Pubic Hair of Bees”
- String tiny violins
- Walk to Casa Zimbabwe, deposit in shower drain
- Put it in a conspicuous place and use it as the basis for a bad pick-up
Top Ten Medieval Euphemisms For Masturbation
- Choking the fire-breathing dragon
- Polishing the helmet
- Rubbing the Franciscan monk’s bald head
- Grooming the one-eyed horse
- Knighting yourself
- Wielding the longsword
- Erecting a steeple for the cathedral
- Buttering the toast around the Round Table
- Draining the moat
- Evacuating the
Top Ten Things To Hate Because No One Else Does
- Dee-lite’s “Groove is in the Heart”
- Ben and Jerry’s
- Water
- Music
- Firemen
- Dr. Seuss
- Twix Bars
- Babies
- Sunsets
- The Princess Bride
Top Ten New Rides at California Adventure
- Mini-Disneyland with mini-California Adventure
- It’s a Regulated Market After All
- Pirates of Hollywood Avenue
- Hall of Incompetent Governors from Reagen to Davis
- Sweater Vest Mountain
- Bakersfield Klansmen Jamboree
- The Disney Store
- Japanese Tourist Land
- Dotcom Six-story Drop
- Juan y Pablo’s
