- Ten lucky kids bring home a zebra stripe
- Cradle your torn-off arm in your remaining arm
- Cradle baby tigers in your arms
- Increase flamingo availability for use as croquet mallets
- Bleach everything, call it albino
- Many boring small cages become
Tag Archives: top ten
Top Ten Responses to “Are We There Yet?”
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“Don’t make me break your thumbs again.”
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“Kinda.”
- “We arrived an hour ago. We’re sitting in the kitchen.”
- “No, Moses says we’ve got 39 more years.”
- “Every time you ask, it gets a little farther away.”
- “No, when you
Top Ten Contingency Plans for a Magic Trick Gone Awry
- Explain that she won’t levitate because she’s heavy with sin.
- Accuse lovely assistant of sabotage
- Magically, the rings are attached and won’t ever come apart!”
- “Okay, you do it!”
- “And now I shall make an ambulance appear.”
- Just say, “Did
Top Ten Ways To Get Red Wine Out Of The Carpet
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Club soda
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Call Bizarro Jesus to turn red wine back into water
- Spill red wine on rest of carpet to create a dalmation pattern
- The Bissel Steam Vac, the only vacuum that heats tap water up to 25 degrees
Top Ten Worst Things to Say in a Courtroom
- “They will be brought to justice or justice will be brought to them.”
- “Is she typing everything I say? Even ‘blarvemarf’?”
- “Not not not not not guilty.”
- “The only thing separating you from me is a law degree, a shitload
Top Ten Ways to Hit on the Attractive Person Driving Behind You
- Just be yourself
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of prophylactics and birth control pills
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of rose petals
- Any which way but loose
- Drive defensively, but not too defensively
- Befriend the less-attractive friend driving behind them
- Release silky
Top Ten Alternatives to the Metric System
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Breadboxes
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Will it fit in my ear / will it fit in my mouth?
- Tall, Grande, & Venti
- Always rounding up
- Just hitting shit with hammer until it fits
- Inches & ounces & quarts & furlongs & leagues
- Tantric System
Top Ten Reasons Your Head Is Going to Explode
- Head implosion is so 1998
- You’re in space, and although you do have your helmet, it’s useless because you are six years old and made it yourself out of cardboard
- You filled your head with popcorn kernels and then heated
Top Ten Pornographic Summer Movies
- America’s Cocksucking Sweethearts, John Cusack and Julia Roberts and Especially Billy Crystal
- The Score
- Twat Race
- Shrek Fucks a Donkey
- Muff Hour 2
- The Princess Red Shoe Diaries
- Ass-End The Furious
- Barely Legally Blonde
- Anal Fantasy: The Penis Within
- Pearl
Top Ten Ways to Put On Your Pants
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With robotic assistance because you’re late for work and also George Jetson
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Twice, because you’re a horse
- In your imagination, while wishing someone hadn’t stolen your pants
- With the pockets pulled out, because all the kids in the future wear
