- When you were five you said “Someday I’ll go to Berkeley and live in a shithole apartment.”
- You could win the lottery if you wanted to
- Is this your card?
- You’re homeless and need change
- You knew Original Sin was
Tag Archives: top ten
Top Ten Things You Would Do If You Ran the Zoo
- Ten lucky kids bring home a zebra stripe
- Cradle your torn-off arm in your remaining arm
- Cradle baby tigers in your arms
- Increase flamingo availability for use as croquet mallets
- Bleach everything, call it albino
- Many boring small cages become
Top Ten Responses to “Are We There Yet?”
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“Don’t make me break your thumbs again.”
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“Kinda.”
- “We arrived an hour ago. We’re sitting in the kitchen.”
- “No, Moses says we’ve got 39 more years.”
- “Every time you ask, it gets a little farther away.”
- “No, when you
Top Ten Contingency Plans for a Magic Trick Gone Awry
- Explain that she won’t levitate because she’s heavy with sin.
- Accuse lovely assistant of sabotage
- Magically, the rings are attached and won’t ever come apart!”
- “Okay, you do it!”
- “And now I shall make an ambulance appear.”
- Just say, “Did
Top Ten Ways To Get Red Wine Out Of The Carpet
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Club soda
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Call Bizarro Jesus to turn red wine back into water
- Spill red wine on rest of carpet to create a dalmation pattern
- The Bissel Steam Vac, the only vacuum that heats tap water up to 25 degrees
Top Ten Worst Things to Say in a Courtroom
- “They will be brought to justice or justice will be brought to them.”
- “Is she typing everything I say? Even ‘blarvemarf’?”
- “Not not not not not guilty.”
- “The only thing separating you from me is a law degree, a shitload
Top Ten Ways to Hit on the Attractive Person Driving Behind You
- Just be yourself
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of prophylactics and birth control pills
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of rose petals
- Any which way but loose
- Drive defensively, but not too defensively
- Befriend the less-attractive friend driving behind them
- Release silky
Top Ten Worst Times to Tackle Someone
- When he’s covered in twelve-inch stainless steel spikes
- When he’s a bear
- When the contractions are thirty seconds apart
- During a duel
- As he’s pulling out
- While he’s laying down a big steamy loaf
- When he’s about to score a
Top Three Benefits of Being Black in the United States in 1800
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Always get 2/5 more pie
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Cash in on “5 for the price of 3” specials at amusement parks
- Always get 40% discount on movie tickets
Top Ten Reasons Your Head Is Going to Explode
- Head implosion is so 1998
- You’re in space, and although you do have your helmet, it’s useless because you are six years old and made it yourself out of cardboard
- You filled your head with popcorn kernels and then heated
