-
“Don’t make me break your thumbs again.”
-
“Kinda.”
- “We arrived an hour ago. We’re sitting in the kitchen.”
- “No, Moses says we’ve got 39 more years.”
- “Every time you ask, it gets a little farther away.”
- “No, when you
Tag Archives: top ten
Top Ten Contingency Plans for a Magic Trick Gone Awry
- Explain that she won’t levitate because she’s heavy with sin.
- Accuse lovely assistant of sabotage
- Magically, the rings are attached and won’t ever come apart!”
- “Okay, you do it!”
- “And now I shall make an ambulance appear.”
- Just say, “Did
Top Ten Ways To Get Red Wine Out Of The Carpet
-
Club soda
-
Call Bizarro Jesus to turn red wine back into water
- Spill red wine on rest of carpet to create a dalmation pattern
- The Bissel Steam Vac, the only vacuum that heats tap water up to 25 degrees
Top Ten Worst Things to Say in a Courtroom
- “They will be brought to justice or justice will be brought to them.”
- “Is she typing everything I say? Even ‘blarvemarf’?”
- “Not not not not not guilty.”
- “The only thing separating you from me is a law degree, a shitload
Top Ten Ways to Hit on the Attractive Person Driving Behind You
- Just be yourself
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of prophylactics and birth control pills
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of rose petals
- Any which way but loose
- Drive defensively, but not too defensively
- Befriend the less-attractive friend driving behind them
- Release silky
Top Ten Alternatives to the Metric System
-
Breadboxes
-
Will it fit in my ear / will it fit in my mouth?
- Tall, Grande, & Venti
- Always rounding up
- Just hitting shit with hammer until it fits
- Inches & ounces & quarts & furlongs & leagues
- Tantric System
Top Ten Ways to Avoid a Shark Attack
- Cover self with fun house mirrors so you look like a bigger shark
- Dress up like a girl shark and flirt (Warning: May result in shark rape)
- Play dead
- Be the lead character
- Your first day in the ocean, beat
Top Ten Pornographic Summer Movies
- America’s Cocksucking Sweethearts, John Cusack and Julia Roberts and Especially Billy Crystal
- The Score
- Twat Race
- Shrek Fucks a Donkey
- Muff Hour 2
- The Princess Red Shoe Diaries
- Ass-End The Furious
- Barely Legally Blonde
- Anal Fantasy: The Penis Within
- Pearl
Top Ten Ways to Put On Your Pants
-
With robotic assistance because you’re late for work and also George Jetson
-
Twice, because you’re a horse
- In your imagination, while wishing someone hadn’t stolen your pants
- With the pockets pulled out, because all the kids in the future wear
Top Five Reasons Not to Join a Fraternity
- The episode of “Small Wonder” where Jamie wants to join a fraternity but changes his mind after he slips Vicki a roofie but gets his dick tazered when he tries to do her
- The episode of “Happy Days” where Richie
