No. Absolutely not. Under no circumstances is that acceptable. No. No! If you said what you just said again, but the opposite, you’d be totally correct. Sometimes, I wonder about you. Yes. Huh? Nope. I was saying yes to that … Read More
Tag Archives: Tommaso Sciortino
Art History Degree Put to Use
Art history degree holder Stephen “Stevie” Wilson put his degree to good use this weekend when he jury-rigged it for use as a dust pan.
“These Oreo crumbs spilled every-where and Julie’s been hassling me about being such a slob,” … Read More
Words from the Top
Best Boy
While the Squelch is known for it’s off-kilter slightly irregular comedy, I’d like to take this chance to inform Berkeley and the public at large of one fundamental fact: I am a great boyfriend.
Sometimes I’ll be walking around town … Read More
Blood for Oil Program a Success
Red Cross officials are praising their new program to refund blood donors for transporation costs. Started six months ago, the “Blood for Oil” program lets Red Cross officials pay to fill up the gas tanks of donors who contribute every … Read More
Words From the Top
Difficult Boiled
Unlike others who assume the position of Editor-In-Chief of the Heuristic Squelch just for the bragging rights, or for the throngs of cute fans, or even for the opportunity to undermine the revolution, I have a larger goal in mind: … Read More
A Swashbuckling Scene from the High Seas
It is the briny deck of the buccaneer galleon, “The Blackart.” The dread Jolly Roger is flying atop the mizzenmast. In the background can be seen the swells of the treacherous deep. A rowboat approaches the vessel and its lone … Read More
Overused Name Becomes Worn Out
Despite repeatedly informing new aquaintences that “Frank is my name. Don’t wear it out” the name belonging to the UC student formerly known as Frank Galvan has deteriorated to a point where it can no longer be used. Undue wear … Read More
Tips For Time Travelers
Here at the dawn of a new millennium, it is interesting to contemplate the many changes technology may bring us and to plan ahead. Therefore, I present to you my Tips for Time Travelers.
Always keep an almanac
While it … Read More
Morissette Single Reaches New Levels of Meta-Irony
The Alanis Morissette song “Ironic” finally achieved the twenty third level of recursive meta-irony this week when local grad student Josh Greenberg purchased the song after a discussion with his thesis advisor. While Greenberg’s decision to purchase the single in … Read More
Best of Berkeley
Best > place to get beaten up
For getting a trampling, the best place to go is the corner of Ashby and Sacramento. Busy enough for easy access yet remote enough for privacy, this bustling neighborhood is home to a … Read More
