Prices of technology-based stocks have been officially declared “loony.” Leading the charge in this craze is Amazon.com, which closed last week at $4 billion per share, up from its opening price of 32 cents. Yahoo!, which 9 out of 10 … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Ventura Proposes Freeway Plan
Professional wrestler-turned-Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura has announced his first major project as governor: a plan to redesign Minnesota’s freeway system to make it more accessible to drivers.
“The way it is now,” Ventura explained during a press conference, “there are … Read More
Berdahl to Write “Sex On Tuesday” — Schindell Named New Chancellor
The popular “Sex On Tuesday” column in the Daily Californian, also known as “The Only Thing In the Daily Cal That Ever Gets Read,” has a new author. Jenn Schindell, the previous writer, challenged Chancellor Robert Berdahl to give the … Read More
Berkeley Student Gives a Shit about Affirmative Action
Tempers flared last week when an unnamed Berkeley student defecated on the BAMN table on Sproul Plaza. The incident followed a heated argument between the student and BAMN member Heather Bergman regarding the minority status of Eskimos on the Berkeley … Read More
Southside Terrorized By Serial Pillager
The Berkeley Police Department has announced that there is a serial pillager on the loose in the Southside area. Victims say the pillager “rides a horse,” is “about 6’4″, dirty, with a long, heavy sword and big boots,” and resembles … Read More
Students Plan Protest for Department of Pornography
Berkeley Students Fighting For a Department of Pornography By Any Means Necessary is planning a sit-in on Sproul Plaza next week, says President Arthur Roerbacher. The group has been waging war with campus administrators and the Board of Regents for … Read More
Osei-Frimpong Announces Formation of New “Evil” Student Party
Former ASUC President Irami Osei-Frimpong has announced the formation of his new “Students for Evil” political party. The new student political group will be dedicated to the spread of evil throughout UC Berkeley.
“I simply did not feel that evil … Read More
EECS Department Debates New Requirements
Tempers flared at a recent organizational meeting of the Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Department when the Horde of Angry Roommates of Engineering Majors (HAREM) lobbied the EECS curriculum board to make the Turing Test a requirement for graduation.
The … Read More
Calprig Strikes Deal with Hockey Team
In another maniacal protest for the environment, a member of CalPIRG brutally attacked and wounded, several members of the Cal Ice Hockey Team last week.
Trying desperately to get students to attend their games, all four members of the ice … Read More
Judge Judy Rocked By Scandal
The popular television courtroom drama “Judge Judy” has been assailed with recent accusations that its tag line, “Real people, real cases, Judge Judy” is inaccurate.
“The show claims to use real people, but this is misleading,” stated Hank Piedlourde of … Read More
