Berkeley residents have united in fear after reports that a young woman was mauled by Unit 3. At approximately 8:45pm on Saturday evening, while walking home, the unidentified woman was dragged behind a row of bushes and gnawed about the … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Don’t Fork with the Chinese
The ACLU is investigating reports that a group of Berkeley students were allegedly angrily thrown out of a local mom-and-pop Chinese restaurant. “All we did was ask for a fork, man,” insisted one of the students. “But maybe bringing up … Read More
Pile of Gunk Found
A big pile of gunk was found on the corner of Haste and Dana late Sunday afternoon. “Yeah,” said Berkeley Police Department Captain Dick (of Captain Dick and the Portholes). “That was just a really, really big, really, really gunky … Read More
Everything Just Fine
The United States Congress has passed the “Everything is Just Fine” act, declaring that everything is “just fine.” This “just fineness” of everything is the first to occur in over 5000 years, when man’s earliest historical records first reported trouble … Read More
Puff Daddy Composes Original Work
Millionaire hack Sean “Puffy” Combs shocked the music industry this week when he announced that he had recorded a song that he had written entirely by himself. The rapper, who has become notorious for reaping the rewards of other people’s … Read More
UC President Anxious About Haas Pavilion
Chancellor Robert Berdhal paid a visit to the construction site of the Haas Pavilion this week to check up on the progress of the stadium. Although foreman Jerry Jerrod claimed that the pavilion would be completed according to schedule, Berdhal … Read More
Back Street Boys Allege Love is All They Have to Give
A class action lawsuit filed against the Back Street Boys last month has finally reached a settlement. The Orlando-based boy band is required to pay some $350,000 for breach of the verbal contract to “never break your heart,” and “never … Read More
Student Attacked By Mob
Sophomore student Pike LaPike was attacked early Thursday evening on the corner of Bancroft and Piedmont. The attackers, a huge mob of students, are currently being detained for questioning. The Squelch spoke to one assailant, who said he was merely … Read More
Street Punk found living in Campanile Basement
University police are holding fourteen gutter punks for trespassing after the youth were discovered living in the basement of the Campanile. Anthropology professor Kent Kerbeck found the inebriated band after descending into the basement to look for records of comparative … Read More
Ignorance is Strength
In yet another shining example of American Newspeak, major clothing corporations have unveiled a human rights oriented plan to label new clothes “No Sweat,” in effect saying that sweatshop employed pre-pubescents will be given antiperspirant and towels. This follows in … Read More
