In a study by the Classroom Health and Safety Board, it was discovered that 99.99% of people in front of chalk boards are not artists. The study was conducted by observing teachers and students attempting to draw various shapes, graphs, … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Wifebeater Wifebeaten
Police officers were baffled this week upon responding to a report of a domestic dispute at an Oakland home. They arrived to find a man who had been beaten by his wife despite the fact that the man was wearing … Read More
Holmoe: “I Have Nothing Left to Prove”
Cal football coach and all around nice guy Tom Holmoe announced his resignation recently at an emotional press conference. “Basically, I’ve accomplished all the goals I had coming into this position. There is nothing left for me to prove here,” … Read More
Boy Goes to Jupiter, Gets More Stupider
A recent trip to the Shattuck Avenue bar “Jupiter” resulted in a significant decrease in the judgement, lucidity, and overall intelligence of a local frat boy, according to UC Berkeley psychologists.
“He was definitely more stupider coming out than he … Read More
Student Really Creeped Out by Olsen Twins Poster
UC Berkeley sophomore Daniel Johnson described himself as being “really creeped out” after happening to run across a recent poster of popular teenage actresses Mary Kate and Ashley Olson. The poster featuring the two pixies who costarred with funnyman Bob … Read More
Bad Dreams Afoot
A left foot fell asleep after a few minutes resting in an awkward position beneath the right lower thigh. The foot reveled in dreams of being the right foot, kicking soccer balls, taking the first step, and fondling other naked … Read More
Afghans Inadvertently Observe Ramadan
Clerics in Kabul report that nearly 100% of the citizens of Afghanistan are strictly observing the fast of Ramadan. The ninth month of the Muslim calendar, Ramadan is the time in which Muslims fast during daylight hours. Afghan citizens have … Read More
Flag Count Dangerously Low, Warns Pentagon
According to a recent study conducted by the Pentagon, the number of American flags currently displayed in the United States is “dangerously” low. The 42 page report indicated that only 37% of all households and 56% of all businesses have … Read More
FAA Presents New Flight Safety Regulation
As part of increased security measures in the wake of last month’s terrorist attacks, the FAA announced today that Wesley Snipes will be placed aboard all transcontinental flights.
“We think Wesley’s brand of street smart athleticism and good humor will … Read More
All-Purpose Protest Movement Planned
Various factions of Berkeley protestors have banded together to combine their respective causes under the blanket “Anti-War” banner in an all-purpose protest movement that promises to attract far more attention than any one group could muster on its own.
“For … Read More
