Internet retail giant Amazon.com is wanted for questioning regarding the shipping of Anthrax through the mail, the FBI reported. Suspicions first arose last week when New York resident Tim Duggins was heard softly singing the lyrics to the thrash metal … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Olympic Hopes Dashed
Citizens of Kabul, Afghanistan were disheartened, yet again, upon learning they are not contenders to host the 2012 Olympics. The Olympic committee determined the facilities and citizens of Kabul could not possibly accommodate the needs of the summer games.
“We … Read More
Teachers Not Artists, Study Finds
In a study by the Classroom Health and Safety Board, it was discovered that 99.99% of people in front of chalk boards are not artists. The study was conducted by observing teachers and students attempting to draw various shapes, graphs, … Read More
Wifebeater Wifebeaten
Police officers were baffled this week upon responding to a report of a domestic dispute at an Oakland home. They arrived to find a man who had been beaten by his wife despite the fact that the man was wearing … Read More
Holmoe: “I Have Nothing Left to Prove”
Cal football coach and all around nice guy Tom Holmoe announced his resignation recently at an emotional press conference. “Basically, I’ve accomplished all the goals I had coming into this position. There is nothing left for me to prove here,” … Read More
Boy Goes to Jupiter, Gets More Stupider
A recent trip to the Shattuck Avenue bar “Jupiter” resulted in a significant decrease in the judgement, lucidity, and overall intelligence of a local frat boy, according to UC Berkeley psychologists.
“He was definitely more stupider coming out than he … Read More
Student Really Creeped Out by Olsen Twins Poster
UC Berkeley sophomore Daniel Johnson described himself as being “really creeped out” after happening to run across a recent poster of popular teenage actresses Mary Kate and Ashley Olson. The poster featuring the two pixies who costarred with funnyman Bob … Read More
Bad Dreams Afoot
A left foot fell asleep after a few minutes resting in an awkward position beneath the right lower thigh. The foot reveled in dreams of being the right foot, kicking soccer balls, taking the first step, and fondling other naked … Read More
Business Owners Proudly Display Flags
Around the U.S., business owners with physical characteristics reflecting possible Middle-Eastern heritage have proudly begun hanging their American flags in storefront windows. “To us, the American flag symbolizes our freedom, and no one can take it from us,” said San … Read More
Cookie Monster’s Shocking Secret Revealed
Sophomore Tim Braches woke up late one morning and watched a delightful episode of the children’s favorite, Sesame Street. Moments later, Braches was brought to hysteric tears upon discovering the fact that his favorite character, Cookie Monster, didn’t really have … Read More
