Police officers were baffled this week upon responding to a report of a domestic dispute at an Oakland home. They arrived to find a man who had been beaten by his wife despite the fact that the man was wearing … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Holmoe: “I Have Nothing Left to Prove”
Cal football coach and all around nice guy Tom Holmoe announced his resignation recently at an emotional press conference. “Basically, I’ve accomplished all the goals I had coming into this position. There is nothing left for me to prove here,” … Read More
Boy Goes to Jupiter, Gets More Stupider
A recent trip to the Shattuck Avenue bar “Jupiter” resulted in a significant decrease in the judgement, lucidity, and overall intelligence of a local frat boy, according to UC Berkeley psychologists.
“He was definitely more stupider coming out than he … Read More
Student Really Creeped Out by Olsen Twins Poster
UC Berkeley sophomore Daniel Johnson described himself as being “really creeped out” after happening to run across a recent poster of popular teenage actresses Mary Kate and Ashley Olson. The poster featuring the two pixies who costarred with funnyman Bob … Read More
Bad Dreams Afoot
A left foot fell asleep after a few minutes resting in an awkward position beneath the right lower thigh. The foot reveled in dreams of being the right foot, kicking soccer balls, taking the first step, and fondling other naked … Read More
Afghans Inadvertently Observe Ramadan
Clerics in Kabul report that nearly 100% of the citizens of Afghanistan are strictly observing the fast of Ramadan. The ninth month of the Muslim calendar, Ramadan is the time in which Muslims fast during daylight hours. Afghan citizens have … Read More
Flag Count Dangerously Low, Warns Pentagon
According to a recent study conducted by the Pentagon, the number of American flags currently displayed in the United States is “dangerously” low. The 42 page report indicated that only 37% of all households and 56% of all businesses have … Read More
Mayfield Cougars Locke Down Victory
High School sophomore Chester Locke (5’2″ 173 lbs) made an appearance for the Mayfield Cougars in the final 27 seconds of the fourth quarter of Sunday’s basketball game. With a 24 point cushion, Coach George Elders substituted the chubby Chester … Read More
Business Owners Proudly Display Flags
Around the U.S., business owners with physical characteristics reflecting possible Middle-Eastern heritage have proudly begun hanging their American flags in storefront windows. “To us, the American flag symbolizes our freedom, and no one can take it from us,” said San … Read More
Cookie Monster’s Shocking Secret Revealed
Sophomore Tim Braches woke up late one morning and watched a delightful episode of the children’s favorite, Sesame Street. Moments later, Braches was brought to hysteric tears upon discovering the fact that his favorite character, Cookie Monster, didn’t really have … Read More
