An FBI luncheon was spoiled this week when a masked thief made off with an entire cart of hamburgers, which were to serve as the entrees for the event. One eye witness described the suspect as “four feet tall, with … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Bowflex Man Not Bowflexing
Flex Plan Bodybuilder Henry James, of Bowflex commercial fame, recently admitted to friends and family that his workout regiment, which maintains remarkably stiff quads, bulging pecs, and tantalizing abs, rarely includes 20 to 30 minutes on the Bowflex machine as … Read More
Needle Lost in Haystack
Onlookers at Loss for Metaphor
A needle was misplaced in a haystack earlier this week, setting the stage for a task which many liken to a very difficult thing to do.
“Yup. It’s lost in there and finding it is going to be like trying … Read More
He-Man Arrested For Indecent Exposure
Prince Adam, also known as “He-Man,” was arrested Saturday at a club in Eternia for indecent exposure and disturbing the peace.
“I don’t care if he is the protector of Greyskull or whatever he was talking about, no one is … Read More
Apartment Vaguely Smells Like Gas
Berkeley resident and UC student Gil Hendricks returned last week from winter break to his apartment which, for unknown reasons, sort of smells vaguely like gas.
“I don’t know. Do you smell that?” Hendricks asked companions as he wandered through … Read More
Guy In <i>Lord of the Rings</i> Also Guy From <i>The Matrix</i>
An audible murmur passed through the audience at a recent screening of The Lord of the Rings when all four hundred moviegoers simultaneously realized that Hugo Weaving, playing Elrond in the fantasy screen adaptation, is the guy who played Agent … Read More
Cosplayer Loosely Resembles Anime Character
Leslie Carpenter, or Carpento-chan, as she is known among friends and online acquaintances, appreared at Santa Clara’s Fanime-Con “Der Cosplay” Masquerade event bearing a striking near-resemblance to the character Ayanami Rei from the popular Japanese anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. And … Read More
Boy Goes to Jupiter, Gets More Stupider
A recent trip to the Shattuck Avenue bar “Jupiter” resulted in a significant decrease in the judgement, lucidity, and overall intelligence of a local frat boy, according to UC Berkeley psychologists.
“He was definitely more stupider coming out than he … Read More
Student Really Creeped Out by Olsen Twins Poster
UC Berkeley sophomore Daniel Johnson described himself as being “really creeped out” after happening to run across a recent poster of popular teenage actresses Mary Kate and Ashley Olson. The poster featuring the two pixies who costarred with funnyman Bob … Read More
Bad Dreams Afoot
A left foot fell asleep after a few minutes resting in an awkward position beneath the right lower thigh. The foot reveled in dreams of being the right foot, kicking soccer balls, taking the first step, and fondling other naked … Read More
