In a move that has shocked logicians and scientists alike, Congress has passed a ruling overturning the law of cause and effect. The ruling has severed the connection between effect and cause that was once central to any logical … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Rescued Chilean Miners Can Finally Return to Poverty
This weekend, after ten weeks trapped underground, 33 Chilean miners were finally brought back to the surface, and to the crushing destitution of being a Chilean miner.
“It was the longest vacation of my adult life,” said Victor Gómez, one … Read More
Berkeley Scientists Successfully Synthesize Nothing
In a press conference last Tuesday, scientists from the Yu-Kavinsky Research Group at UC Berkeley announced that they have successfully created nothing. The research lasted six years and required several million dollars of university funds.
“This is a major breakthrough … Read More
UN Responds to Midlife Crisis
A United Nations humanitarian mission has been deployed to rescue the psyche of Berkeley resident Jim Larsen, after a Saturday midlife crisis devastated his sense of self-worth. The disaster, triggered by a long, hard look in the mirror, has caused … Read More
Statue of Liberty Aggressively Remodeled to Reflect Modern American Values
WASHINGTON–The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill late last Tuesday that provides 1.3 million dollars towards a renovation of the Statue of Liberty. Reconstruction will center around replacing the iconic tablet held in the statue’s left hand with a … Read More
Whitman Concedes After Learning Mexicans Can Vote
A bewildered-looking Meg Whitman resigned from the gubernatorial race on Monday, citing her recent discovery that Latin-Americans constitute more than a third of the state’s eligible voters. Whitman had expected to handily carry the white vote, ignoring the presence of … Read More
UC Regent Cries Himself to Sleep at Night
In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.
“It … Read More
CNN Faces Fines Over Portrayal of Muslim as Human Being
CNN is facing steep consequences this week for airing a report which failed to meet the FCC’s mandatory Muslim otherness requirement. During a ten-minute piece on the opening of a halal butcher shop, New York resident and practicing Muslim Mohammed … Read More
Anthropologist Does Trendy Research
Controversial anthropologist George Burris released a new study Friday on the appearance of prehistoric man, advancing a theory that runs counter to Dr. Robert Figerman’s previous anthropological claim that “a Neanderthal dressed in a coat and fedora would be indistinguishable … Read More
Soylent Co. Denies Outrageous Claims
In response to recent allegations concerning the sources of an already-dwindling food supply, the Soylent Corporation has released a statement refuting “the heinous claims besmirching our fine and delicious product.”
At the center of the controversy is Soylent Green, the … Read More
