The Alanis Morissette song “Ironic” finally achieved the twenty third level of recursive meta-irony this week when local grad student Josh Greenberg purchased the song after a discussion with his thesis advisor. While Greenberg’s decision to purchase the single in … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Male Nipple Has Use
Millenia of evolution were overcome on Tuesday, when Sophomore Matt Bausch’s usually pointless male nipples produced a drop of milk. The drop of milk, high in calcium and undoubtedly nourishing to a newborn child, squeezed forth during a basketball game … Read More
Criminal Element to Help Revitalize Economy
In a stunning move that senior White House correspondent James Wellton could only describe as “stunning,” the Bush administration turned to the “dredges of the earth” to help stimulate the lackluster economy of recent months.
“I ask you, the criminal … Read More
Ludwig’s Fountain Filled With Bubbles
Yeah, ’cause that’s really fucking cool. Oh wow. Bubbles. Wow. Never seen that before. Whoop-dee-freakin’-doo.… Read More
Second Oldest American Just Wants to Die Already
113-year old John McMorran lives a quiet life, having long since lost the powers of sight and hearing, as well as being bedridden since the age of 100. McMorran spends his days in a world of unfathomable boredom, except for … Read More
Raleigh’s Introduces New Theme Night
After losing business every night of the week to other Southside bars that offer cheap drinks in large quantities to college students, self-described “American Pub and Grill,” Raleigh’s, has announced their new binge-drinking theme night, “Come Drink a lot at … Read More
Survey Results Released
In a recent study of humor, Berkeley researchers found that the average American would describe the Holocaust’s comedic value as “not all that funny.”
“Six million is a whole lotta Jews,” remarked study organizer Isaac Browne.
Other phenomena that earned … Read More
Girl Buys Single-Strap Bag to Make Boobs More Defined
After months of internal debate, freshman Julia Anderson was ecstatic with her purchase of a simple, casual purse last Friday. “I can put the strap over my shoulder…right here,” she said as she positioned the strap, “So you can see … Read More
Berdahl Chokes on Hacky Sack
After a successful recovery from prostate cancer last spring, UC Berkeley Chancellor Robert M. Berdahl suffered a major setback when he choked on a Hacky Sack while playing with his compatriots outside the University House.
Medics rushed to the scene … Read More
You Need to Apply Yourself, Study Finds
Results of a study conducted by researchers at the University of California at Berkeley have revealed the need, by you, to apply yourself. As a strong indicator of this need, the study cites recent slacking and an unexpected drop in … Read More
