After millennia of increasing demand from His growing fan base, God has finally announced that a follow-up to His popular first bestseller, The Bible, will arrive on book-shelves as early as mid-October. Though the author has chosen to keep the … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Study : Prolonged Exposure to Jesse Jackson Harmful
Results of an extensive study conducted by researchers at NYU have confirmed that listening to the Reverend Jesse Jackson makes you dumber. As part of the study, three groups of ten adults (age 18-45) were put in separate isolated rooms … Read More
Only Map to UC Merced Lost
University of California President Richard Atkinson was flummoxed when the only existing map to the new UC Merced campus disappeared from his ’89 Volvo.
“It was right behind the driver’s seat for months,” said Atkinson. “I’ll bet [Chancellor] Bobby [Berdahl] … Read More
Two Second Mystery
Investigators were briefly baffled by a mysterious suicide Thursday. A man had hung himself from a rafter in the ceiling– without any obvious stool to stand on and kick away. “We were kind of puzzled for, like, 30 seconds,” said … Read More
Woman Coughs for Attention
Sheri Lindstrom, a middle-aged woman, drew attention to herself last Sunday by coughing repeatedly at a religious service, witnesses said. At key moments of silence during announcements, prayers, and the sermon, Lindstrom allegedly let out a series of conspicuous hacks … Read More
U.S. Troops Not Exactly Sure Where They Are
Yesterday U.S. troops stormed a hostile Iraqi city only to discover that they weren’t even sure where they were.
According to one soldier, “Shit it’s hot. Are we in Kabul or Baghdad? Whatever, let’s get ready to bomb something.”
According … Read More
Writer Drunk
This just into the newsroom: I am so wasted. Some friends and I landed at a topless bar and some chick picked up dollar bills with her ass. We beered lots of orders and shots. I got hammered. I mean … Read More
Beautiful, Rich People Attend Beautiful, Rich Event
Last Saturday, Vanity Fair magazine held a fashion show featuring the latest styles for spring. Several stars flocked to the occasion, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Donatella Versace, Britney Spears, and all those other people whose names are always in bold in … Read More
U.S. Sends Troops to Arctic National Refuge
Citing the presence of Al Qaeda terror cells in the region, President Bush has ordered 200,000 US troops to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. The troops are expected to safeguard the Canadian border, displace the provisional Aleut government, … Read More
Snowball Implicated in Anthrax Mailings
The culprit responsible for deadly post-9/11 anthrax mailings has been identified by federal authorities. Snowball the Pig was added to the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list, and arrest warrants were issued in four states. Director of Homeland Security Napoleon announced … Read More
