Investigators were briefly baffled by a mysterious suicide Thursday. A man had hung himself from a rafter in the ceiling– without any obvious stool to stand on and kick away. “We were kind of puzzled for, like, 30 seconds,” said … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Woman Coughs for Attention
Sheri Lindstrom, a middle-aged woman, drew attention to herself last Sunday by coughing repeatedly at a religious service, witnesses said. At key moments of silence during announcements, prayers, and the sermon, Lindstrom allegedly let out a series of conspicuous hacks … Read More
U.S. Troops Not Exactly Sure Where They Are
Yesterday U.S. troops stormed a hostile Iraqi city only to discover that they weren’t even sure where they were.
According to one soldier, “Shit it’s hot. Are we in Kabul or Baghdad? Whatever, let’s get ready to bomb something.”
According … Read More
Writer Drunk
This just into the newsroom: I am so wasted. Some friends and I landed at a topless bar and some chick picked up dollar bills with her ass. We beered lots of orders and shots. I got hammered. I mean … Read More
Researchers Seek Subjects for New Study on Sexuality
Researchers at the Pi Kappa Alpha Institute have put out an open call for test subjects to participate in a groundbreaking experiment on human sexuality. Citing a recent lack of “hot poonar”, the scientists have taken it upon themselves to … Read More
Three Kings: Checked Out
Video store patron John Gretchen’s hopes of renting the late-90’s hit movie Three Kings were sadly crushed last Saturday night when he arrived at his nearest rental location only to find that the film was checked out. “I just suddenly … Read More
Man Dips Penis in Fish Tank, Tells No One
But don’t you tell anybody, okay?… Read More
Bush Concedes to Worldwide Protestors
According to the White House, President Bush conceded that the recent anti-war protests were powerful enough for him to surrender his power as president to mob rule.
“The President has decided to relinquish the power of the executive branch of … Read More
Workers Unite Against Organized Labor
A group of workers picketed the Port of Oakland today to protest organized labor. The workers, fed up with the special treatment given to Union members, joined together in a self-proclaimed “show of solidarity” and let loose cries of “United … Read More
Amit Tamir Eats Eight Apple Fritters
Last week, after a bitter defeat to the University of Arizona’s number one bas-ketball team, UC Berkeley’s star forward/center was seen at Kingpin Donuts eating apple fritters.
According to witnesses, Tamir consumed eight of the delicious pastries consectutively without so … Read More
