Video store patron John Gretchen’s hopes of renting the late-90’s hit movie Three Kings were sadly crushed last Saturday night when he arrived at his nearest rental location only to find that the film was checked out. “I just suddenly … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Man Dips Penis in Fish Tank, Tells No One
But don’t you tell anybody, okay?… Read More
Protestor Smashes Vase Symbolizing Capitalism
In a violent display of proletariat rage, members of the Berkeley chapter of the radical Socialist group the Spartacus League publicly smashed a floral-themed glass vase yesterday on Market Street in San Francisco. The vase, according to a demonstration leader … Read More
God Due Out with Follow-Up this Fall
After millennia of increasing demand from His growing fan base, God has finally announced that a follow-up to His popular first bestseller, The Bible, will arrive on book-shelves as early as mid-October. Though the author has chosen to keep the … Read More
Study : Prolonged Exposure to Jesse Jackson Harmful
Results of an extensive study conducted by researchers at NYU have confirmed that listening to the Reverend Jesse Jackson makes you dumber. As part of the study, three groups of ten adults (age 18-45) were put in separate isolated rooms … Read More
Only Map to UC Merced Lost
University of California President Richard Atkinson was flummoxed when the only existing map to the new UC Merced campus disappeared from his ’89 Volvo.
“It was right behind the driver’s seat for months,” said Atkinson. “I’ll bet [Chancellor] Bobby [Berdahl] … Read More
Two Second Mystery
Investigators were briefly baffled by a mysterious suicide Thursday. A man had hung himself from a rafter in the ceiling– without any obvious stool to stand on and kick away. “We were kind of puzzled for, like, 30 seconds,” said … Read More
Amit Tamir Eats Eight Apple Fritters
Last week, after a bitter defeat to the University of Arizona’s number one bas-ketball team, UC Berkeley’s star forward/center was seen at Kingpin Donuts eating apple fritters.
According to witnesses, Tamir consumed eight of the delicious pastries consectutively without so … Read More
Emeryville IKEA Declares Independence
In a move that may have implications far beyond Shellmound Street, the Emeryville IKEA has declared itself an independent republic. Speaking from the newly established capital next to the lighting aisle, Assistant Customs Manager/President-Elect Sven Nielsen spoke at length about … Read More
Art History Degree Put to Use
Art history degree holder Stephen “Stevie” Wilson put his degree to good use this weekend when he jury-rigged it for use as a dust pan.
“These Oreo crumbs spilled every-where and Julie’s been hassling me about being such a slob,” … Read More
