Investigators were briefly baffled by a mysterious suicide Thursday. A man had hung himself from a rafter in the ceiling– without any obvious stool to stand on and kick away. “We were kind of puzzled for, like, 30 seconds,” said … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Woman Coughs for Attention
Sheri Lindstrom, a middle-aged woman, drew attention to herself last Sunday by coughing repeatedly at a religious service, witnesses said. At key moments of silence during announcements, prayers, and the sermon, Lindstrom allegedly let out a series of conspicuous hacks … Read More
U.S. Troops Not Exactly Sure Where They Are
Yesterday U.S. troops stormed a hostile Iraqi city only to discover that they weren’t even sure where they were.
According to one soldier, “Shit it’s hot. Are we in Kabul or Baghdad? Whatever, let’s get ready to bomb something.”
According … Read More
Writer Drunk
This just into the newsroom: I am so wasted. Some friends and I landed at a topless bar and some chick picked up dollar bills with her ass. We beered lots of orders and shots. I got hammered. I mean … Read More
Researchers Seek Subjects for New Study on Sexuality
Researchers at the Pi Kappa Alpha Institute have put out an open call for test subjects to participate in a groundbreaking experiment on human sexuality. Citing a recent lack of “hot poonar”, the scientists have taken it upon themselves to … Read More
Three Kings: Checked Out
Video store patron John Gretchen’s hopes of renting the late-90’s hit movie Three Kings were sadly crushed last Saturday night when he arrived at his nearest rental location only to find that the film was checked out. “I just suddenly … Read More
Man Dips Penis in Fish Tank, Tells No One
But don’t you tell anybody, okay?… Read More
Opening of Club F++t Results Results in Broken Ankles, Feet
Patrons at the new Club F++t in downtown San Francisco smiled awkwardly when 34 people suffering from Talipes equinovarus, or clubfoot, requested entry into the nightclub. Those smiles quickly turned to frowns as these latecomers had to be stabilized by … Read More
Americans To Vote On New Color For Terror Alerts, M&Ms
When Americans file their tax returns in April, or purchase a package of Peanut Butter M&Ms, they will have the chance to choose between cobalt, periwinkle twill, and electric lime. In a joint effort between M&M-Mars and the Depart-ment of … Read More
Counting Problem
U.S. health officials announced that by the time most Americans have been peeing for a long time, they feel it’s too late to start counting the seconds, thus artificially lowering the standards for the Guinness Book of World Records’ “longest … Read More
