A study released Wednesday by the UC Berkeley Environmental Science department on the weather patterns of the Israeli desert has drawn heavy criticism from both pro Israel and pro-Palestinian factions on campus. The study, which found that the Negev Desert … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Eldritch Abomination Emerges From Local Vagina
Blood rained from the sky Monday morning in Chapman, MI, as a thousand-tentacled affront to nature ripped through an inter-dimensional portal in local resident Brittany Goldman’s vagina.
“At first I thought I was just getting my period early,” said Goldman, … Read More
Charlie Sheen was Right about Everything
In what can only be described as a surprising turn of events, actor and former drug addict Charlie Sheen was right about everything he has declared in the past several weeks.
In response to what had previously been considered exaggerated … Read More
New “Mouth-Handjob” Theorized
A press release from the Vatican announced Monday that cardinals researching in the field of theoretical deviance have hypothesized the existence of a “mouth-handjob,” a sexual act unlike any currently recognized by Vatican law.
“Imagine if you will a type … Read More
New Poll Reveals Californians Consider Themselves Next Step in Human Evolution
A recent poll by the California Department of Mental Health show many Californians believe that they represent the future of man-kind. In fact, more than 30 percent of those polled were surprised by their lack of superhuman powers such as … Read More
Lonely Scientists Make Advance in Artificial Intelligence
Excitement overtook Soda Hall this weekend when the Team for Practical Artificial Intelligence Systems announced that they were ready for the beta-testing stages of their new Robotic Female College-Student Emulator, or R.F.C.S.E. The team has been working diligently for over … Read More
Local Man Wins Lottery, Nothing Goes Wrong
Last month, Berkeley resident Mark Halloway won the California Mega-Millions lottery jackpot of 47 million dollars. Sources have confirmed that, contrary to the popular aphorism, he is now happier than ever before.
“Everybody always says that money can’t buy you … Read More
Congress Overturns Law of Cause and Effect
In a move that has shocked logicians and scientists alike, Congress has passed a ruling overturning the law of cause and effect. The ruling has severed the connection between effect and cause that was once central to any logical … Read More
Freshman Trades Sense of Identity with School Spirit
Last Tuesday, freshman Corey S. O’Malley successfully replaced the last vestiges of his personal identity with school spirit.
O’Malley had spent months transforming himself into a cold husk of a man fed only by the success of the various sports … Read More
United States Established as Monarchy Following Gun Control
In a move widely anticipated by crackpots, President Obama seized God-like monarchical power following the passage of a new piece of gun control legislation on Tuesday. The bill, which limits the number of automatic rifles a citizen can bear to … Read More
