In a paper published in the scientific journal Nature, behavioral scientists at Duke University have concluded that Dave Matthews is annoying in every conceivable way, up to and including his breathing. It was catalogued as “labored” and “having a … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Chimpanzee to Star as Next Triple X
The producers of the Triple X Franchise recently revealed the star of the next Triple X installment: “Triple X: Master of Illusions”. The film features BooBoo, a primate of the Pan Paniscus or “Bonobo” Chimpanzee species in the lead role. … Read More
Hurricane Katrina Devastates Girls Gone Wild Franchise
As residents of The Big Easy rolled up their sleeves in preparation for the long process of rebuilding, others pulled their halter tops down and packed away their beads. With New Orleans in ruins, officials claim the annual Mardi Gras … Read More
Minorities Underrepresented in Area Porn Collection
Alta Plaza Park, San Francisco. Children
run, play tag, shriek as they climb on the jungle
gym. Some are Chinese, some Hispanic, others black
and others white. It is not hard today to look at
a model community such as … Read More
Sasquath Found Inside Chewbacca Costume
Sasquatch, the mythological creature believed by
many to be the missing-link between man and
Serena Williams, was discovered inside a
Chewbacca costume at a Star Wars role-playing
costume party last Thursday night.
Sasquatch made
a booming entrance into the party … Read More
Wine Enthusiast Not Impressed with Eucharist
Allen Murdock’s 34-stop, self-guided wine-tasting tour through Napa Valley, East Oakland, and Amador City took a turn for the sacrilegious Wednesday when he made an erroneous stop at St. John’s Catholic Church.
After careening off Highway 29, a red-faced and … Read More
Thom Yorke Gives Birth to Litter of Ferrets
Last night in London, Thom Yorke, famed vocalist of rock group Radiohead, gave birth to what appears to be seven strong and healthy ferrets. The baker’s half dozen of rodents were delivered live on stage during a particularly spastic rendition … Read More
Wonka Actually Tyrannical Despot
Seeking to both capitalize on renewed interest in its Wonka trademark and respond to the complaints of labor unions and children’s rights groups, Nestle inc. has announced a marketing plan to “reimagine” their factories. Executives hope to involve customers in … Read More
Everything in Berkeley Is Uphill
A recent study commissioned by the Office of Student Life has concluded that everything on the Berkeley campus is uphill. “No matter where a student begins, his journey to any campus building will inevitably lead him up a steep incline,” … Read More
Prison Educational System Beacon of Affirmative Action
According to a recent survey, the California Penal System’s reeducation program has the largest minority enrollment across the nation. “We attribute our success to an extensive outreach program,” commented Chino Correctional Facility warden John Sanders. “It’s tough for a lot … Read More
