Allen Murdock’s 34-stop, self-guided wine-tasting tour through Napa Valley, East Oakland, and Amador City took a turn for the sacrilegious Wednesday when he made an erroneous stop at St. John’s Catholic Church.
After careening off Highway 29, a red-faced and shit-housed drunk Murdock stumbled from his newly purchased 2006 Mercedes CLK350 Cabriolet Convertible and through the doors of St. John’s, stopping twice to urinate, once on the marquee and once in his pants.
“Give me your best shit,” Murdock yelled as flung open the doors, interrupting a First Communion service. “Give me. Give me. Give me. And you better not give me that Merlot bullshit. I’ve seen Sideways.”
Murdock pirouetted towards Pastor Edward Deeds, who was in the middle of serving the symbolic ‘Blood of Christ’, and demanded a tasting. Deeds told Murdock he was interrupting the Sacrament but Murdock responded by winking at him and accused their vineyard’s mascot of being “too sad looking and way too nailed to a cross” before snatching the goblet from Deed’s hands.
“Is this Cabernet Sauvignon?” Murdock said as he swirled the chalice and sniffed the wine, detecting a bit of strawberry-flavoring but failing to notice the touch of salvation.
“Very unimpressive,” Murdock said upon tasting Christ. “It’s too dry and doesn’t have much complexity or character. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone unless they’re some kind of Muslim terrorist and you want to see them suffer. Do you have any chardonnays?” Pastor Deeds told Murdock he didn’t and then had one of the two alter boys escort him to hell.