Of all the things to get, arrested certainly isn’t at the top of most people’s lists. For me, I’ve been told it’s not so much a personal shortcoming as it is an error of method. But no matter what angle … Read More
Tag Archives: Matt Loker
Problem Found
President Bush yesterday announced the identity of the new enemy in the War on Terror. “Gypsies,” he said derisively. “Filthy gypsies who would strangle one another for a sheep’s bladder of wine.”
Following Bush’s fireside proclamation, a general was sent … Read More
Magical Realism from the Point of View of an Oppressive Misogynist Culture
IN THE HARD LAND OF MONTERREY there lived a pretty young girl named Ana de la Cocina. In her family’s hut by the edge of the pueblo, Ana slaved day in and day out to provide food for the men … Read More
Words from the Top
Being Smart Is Easy
Stupid people always complain about how hard it is to discover something or invent something or remember what time Gilmore Girls is on. And smart people, I’m told, watch PBS and listen to NPR. If they were so smart, they’d … Read More
T.S.M.I.T.W.
It’s hard being the Strongest Man in the World. Most people would brush this assertion off, saying something like “No, it’s not.” What they don’t realize is, I plan to take their wallet and piledrive them into a steam grate … Read More
A Guide to University Speech Codes
Concordant with the rise of political correctness in academia, many universities around the country are starting to implement “speech codes” to educate any ignorant peoples that attend such institutions. This seems a perfect fit for Berkeley, as our new “Principles … Read More
Birgeneau Straight Burns Hisself with Crack Pizzo
That crazy fool Bobby Birgeneau cold burned his dumb ass with a hot crackalack pizzo, it was reported yesterday. The new chancellor fell asleep on his sofabed after cooking hell of sweet yellow rocks.
“Fuck! Hrumfuck!” Birgeneau yelled after scalding … Read More
Freshman Carefully Crafts “Male Slut” Reputation
According to the floormates of Kole Tammar, the Unit 2 freshman has been dropping increasingly obvious hints into casual conversation that he is, in actuality, a male slut that is willing to engage in no-strings-attached, sport-fucking type sex with female … Read More
Disneyland: The Deadliest Place on Earth
Guy Falls Off Tom Sawyer Raft and Dies
Chances are, if you fall off a slow-moving simulated raft ride into a shallow mock river and die, you just weren’t meant to be here in the first place. The “river” that … Read More
Child Abuse for the New Millennium
Let’s face facts: Children today are dumb, ugly, and fat. Some blame television, single parents, or fast food, but the real reason is much simpler: we can’t beat our children anymore. Sure, you want to lay into little Junior with … Read More
