To quote every freshman in the history of ever: “I
was SOOOO drunk!” Problem is, there is no
objectivity to this claim. There are no gold
medals and no Jeopardy champions in the game of
Drunk. So how close can … Read More
Tag Archives: Matt Loker
MapQuest Version 2.0
When you’re not sure how to get somewhere, a quick visit to MapQuest.com can save you lots of time and give you clear, precise directions.
If you have a good car.
But what if you don’t drive one of those … Read More
DVD Commentary for the Worst Movie Ever Made
(1)
Screenwriter: You know, people sometimes ask why there were so many jokes about September 11th in the movie. And I always tell them the same thing: “Fine, you take them out. Then Jamie Kennedy would only have been able … Read More
We’re Pro-Life!
Let’s face it: death is really trendy right now. With US Weekly regulars like The Pope and 3000 Indonesians dying, kids are all rushing out to the malls to have their feeding tubes removed. But not so fast! Much like … Read More
Words from the Top
Enemy Mine
Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe … Read More
A Day in the Life of D. West
That Drill Sergeant in Army Camos Who Goes on <i>The Maury Povich Show</i> and Yells at People
10:42 AM: Morning taping of Maury Povich Show. Yelled at 13-year-old hussy
until she tearfully promised to change her ways. Spent further 20 minutes yelling at her tears.
12:04 PM: Lunch break from taping. Yelled at deli worker until he … Read More
3 Dead, 12 Wounded After Bear Wanders Into Furry Convention
The San Jose Airport Hilton was the scene of a tragedy Thursday, as fifteen people were attacked by a wayward bear. The Alaskan Kodiak, escaped from a nearby zoo, became enraged when numerous “furry” fetishists tried to have sex with … Read More
Words from the Top
An Above Average Guy
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at receiving blowjobs. I mean that in the sense that if we were both getting blowjobs, I’d not only win, I’d embarrass you in the process. I’ve always had special talents … Read More
Scenes from <i>Stand and Deliver</i> If It Took Place in an Upper-middle-class High School in the San Fernando Valley
The Principal
Jaime Escalante: Principal Richman, I look forward to teaching these kids. They come from nothing, and no one believes in them, but I can get through to them. I’ll show them that calculGAA
Principal: Wait a second, you’re … Read More
Words from the Top
JOKE! Apologies Are for Ethnics
_Last month, we ran a piece called “A Guide to University Speech Codes.” However, we seem to have forgotten to include the word “JOKE!” in big block letters before satirizing the climate of hysterical political correctness on college campuses. In … Read More
