I used to be one of you, a college student who liked to smoke pot or was considering trying it. I have some important advice. Don’t smoke pot. I don’t want to sound preachy, old and out of touch, but … Read More
Tag Archives: Luke Filose
Yoplait Flavor Riot Rocks Grocery Store
Shoppers witnessed a dairy disaster at a local Safeway yesterday when the Yoplait section got out of control. “Several Mixed Berries ventured into the Custard zone and a riot broke out,” detective Nick Lombardi said. Among the reported injuries were … Read More
Mad Scientist Emerges from Laboratory with New Wheel Design
Doctor Klaus “White Knuckles” Dusseldorf shocked the world Monday when he emerged from his lab deep in the Swiss Alps with a potentially groundbreaking discovery: he claims to have re-invented the wheel. Looking haggard but confident outside of his laboratory, … Read More
NYSE Floor Broker Trades Insults on Record Volume
New York Stock Exchange floor broker Russ Jones traded insults at an unprecedented volume Friday, ending the day with the line, “Hey Barnes, your wife’s ass is so big, she must have been baptized in buttermilk!” and bringing his daily … Read More
Random Words Attack Newsflash
“Them Cheerios was jumpy,” salamander flash. How about the time he trampled it NOT gonna happen. Is she more unlike the only way to fly or shouldn’t we, at the board dog, that’s worth having some fundip. Will space mobsters … Read More
An Afternoon with a Master
We sat down at a corner table at a local coffee shop. It was late afternoon, and a ficus tree cast a ghostly shadow on his gaunt figure. He was unshaven, and clumps of dirt and grass clung to his … Read More
Tech Stocks Out Of Control
Prices of technology-based stocks have been officially declared “loony.” Leading the charge in this craze is Amazon.com, which closed last week at $4 billion per share, up from its opening price of 32 cents. Yahoo!, which 9 out of 10 … Read More
Berdahl to Write “Sex On Tuesday” — Schindell Named New Chancellor
The popular “Sex On Tuesday” column in the Daily Californian, also known as “The Only Thing In the Daily Cal That Ever Gets Read,” has a new author. Jenn Schindell, the previous writer, challenged Chancellor Robert Berdahl to give the … Read More
Why Everything is So Completely Worthless
Three years at Cal. Like most of my classmates, I’ve taken part in discussions on topics ranging from affirmative action and campaign finance reform to the Vietnam war and America’s role in the post-cold war global economy. I’ve been immersed … Read More
Spitfire Event To Be Horrific Failure
In what may prove to be the dumbest thing in history, ASUC President Irami Osei-Frimpong set aside in excess of $43,000 for the Spitfire spoken word tour’s visit to UC Berkeley. Though attendance is predicted at somewhere over four, Berkeley … Read More
