If I was the Sun, I’d look for shade.
If I was a bed, I would stay unmade.
If I was a river, I’d run uphill.
You call me, you know I will.
— Grateful Dead
In case you’re wondering, … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Guide to Berkeley Coffee Houses
Although Seattle is known as the city of java, I found out recently that the Venezuelan Immigration Commission rated Berkeley coffee houses as number one in service, espresso potency, and pseudo-intellectual conversation content. I was proud to take the time … Read More
Boy, Was My Face Red!!
We’ve all had those embarrassing moments that make us want to just curl up and die. The Squelch invited readers to send in stories of their blush- inducing hijinks, and boy were we surprised at the size of the response. … Read More
The Epistle of St. Mark the Second
1:13 pm — The Meaning of the Apocalypse
The Lord God saith unto me, “Mark, that was a hell of an apocalypse, eh?”
And I replieth unto him, “You’re telling me. What was that all about?” And the Lord threw down before me a stick of incense and … Read More
Like, uh, Finals and Stuff
Once again, finals season is upon us. Perhaps this is your first, and you’re wondering, “How the heck am I going to get through these damn things with passing grades and all?” Perhaps this is your last round of finals, … Read More
Are You White Trash?
Please answer the appropriate questions below with yes, no, or your favorite singer from the Grand Ole Opry.
Those who qualify as white trash will receive a lifetime subscription to The Star and the coffee table book “The Price is … Read More
Squelch-cipies
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Oppress women and minorities. Gently stir in exploitation of the working class, adding manipulation of the world money supply in small amounts. Bake in prospering community for 10 years, then remove to leave vicinity in shambles. (Serves the interests of
Ramble on…
— Publius
So why didn’t I vote? Hell everybody knows that the election’s already decided by the time California votes.
A man enters the bathroom, he shudders, for he has just realized the incredible challenge that now confronts him. He and his … Read More
Raves
Albacore tuna with dolphins has always been a favorite at the Limbaugh household. Granted it doesn’t pack the punch a steriod-enhanced piece of USDA beef does, but my friends, if you want protein and you want to kill those dolphins, … Read More
What They Say / What They Mean
“Did you come?”
“Because I didn’t.”
"I have something to tell you."
"Get tested."
"I'm a Romantic."
"I'm poor."
"I'll give you a call."
"I'd rather have my nipples torn."
"I never meant to hurt you."
"I thought you weren't 