We’ve all had those embarrassing moments that make us want to just curl up and die. The Squelch invited readers to send in stories of their blush- inducing hijinks, and boy were we surprised at the size of the response. Sounds to us like all of you are a bunch of clumsy losers.
Get a load of this: I was having one of those fits of jealous rage that we all have from time to time, but instead of snorting cocaine like I usually do, I went and killed my wife and some idiot waiter who got in my way. And that’s not the worst part! I actually left one of my gloves at the scene, and those nosy cops found my blood all over the place. Suffice it to say there was egg on my face.
– ex-RB in L.A.
I got bored of writing three-chord songs with pretentious pseudo-morbid lyrics. So I decide to clean my shotgun. Imagine my surprise when the darn thing turned out to be loaded! They had to use my dental records to identify the body. Boy, was my face red.
– died too young in Seattle
I thought that I had a good life and a satisfying celebrity marriage. But then, to my embarrassment, I realized that I was a beautiful blond supermodel, and I was married to a short, fat, balding old singer. What was I thinking?
-coming to her senses in Sports Illustrated
So I’m this nationally known talk-show host, with tons of money and the second richest entertainer in the goddamned universe. The only problem is, you know, I’m enormous!! So what do I do? I lose a ton of weight and then come out prancing like a Vargas girl on my TV show. And then I ramble on for days about how easy it is to lose weight and I buy twenty pairs of size 8 Calvin Kleins. Only problem is, two months later, I gained it all back and then some!! Even that twit Ricki Lake can keep her weight off. My gosh, I was so embarrassed.
-in the kitchen with Rosie