Volume 5- Issue 3

Are You White Trash?

December 1, 1994

Please answer the appropriate questions below with yes, no, or your favorite singer from the Grand Ole Opry.

Those who qualify as white trash will receive a lifetime subscription to The Star and the coffee table book “The Price is Right — The Early Years,” plus the right to live in any state south of the Mason-Dixon line without being harassed by the local authorities or guest coordinators from The Ricki Lake Show.

  1. Do you have an Elvis Jell-O mold?
  2. Is there anyone in your family you’re related to in less than three ways? If yes, explain.
  3. What color is your tooth?
    1. yellow
    2. brown
    3. black
    4. taupe
  4. Do you live in Fremont?

  5. What year is your John Deere?
  6. How long has grandpa been in the basement?

  7. Which of the following substances can you make liquor out of?

    1. corn
    2. pork rinds
    3. loam
    4. Spam
  8. How many of your relatives have suffered from rickets?

  9. Do you believe that Wonderbread(tm) is enriched? With what?
  10. Do you have any Atlanta Falcons t-shirts?
  11. Does your house take regular or unleaded?
  12. Do you own a Confederate flag?
  13. How long is your eldest son’s ducktail?
  14. Do you have an achy-breaky heart?
  15. Did you purchase the TIME-LIFE Hee-Haw Commemorative Chess Set?
  16. How old must you be to join the NRA?
  17. Does your Mac have a floating point co-processor?

  18. Which is the best substance to fry a peanut butter sandwich in?

    1. butter
    2. Crisco
    3. Spam
  19. Is your pool deflatable?

  20. Do you identify more with Bo or Luke?

  21. Which is more appropriate decor for a burnt umber mobile home with aluminum siding?

    1. pink flamingos
    2. lawn jockeys holding lanterns
  22. Two six-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon are on sale at Stater Bros. Markets for $2.29, while a six-pack of Schlitz is on sale at the local Vietnamese liquor store for $1.10. Which is the better bargain, and why don’t those people learn to speak English?

  23. When you cook possum, which is the proper garnish?

    1. collard greens
    2. mayonnaise
    3. Spam
  24. What’s the best way to take tough stains out of white robes?

  25. Which of these states is the promised land?
    1. West Virginia
    2. South Carolina
    3. Florida
    4. New York

Scoring: If you got past Question 3 on this quiz, you are white trash. Congratulations.