Commies, as we all know, are brainwashed humanoids dressed in drab- colored clothing, usually quickly eradicated in the name of democracy. Democruds and Republicraps need to be rounded up and shaped into harmless fruity Jell-O molds and given to a … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
The True-Life Adventures of Sherri
Misunderstood Repressed Post Sorority Girl
Understand that a sorority girl is a person, with, like, ya know, feelings. Hath not a Tri-Delt eyes? If you prick her, does she not bleed? If she drinks bad Keystone, does she not spew? Here’s what really happens in … Read More
Stressed?
In the aerospace industry, the measurement of stress is a high priority objective. In light of endless manhours devoted to this research it may seem surprising that there are no effective human stress scales available commercially. But this exciting field … Read More
Editor’s Column
If I was the Sun, I’d look for shade.
If I was a bed, I would stay unmade.
If I was a river, I’d run uphill.
You call me, you know I will.
— Grateful Dead
In case you’re wondering, … Read More
Guide to Berkeley Coffee Houses
Although Seattle is known as the city of java, I found out recently that the Venezuelan Immigration Commission rated Berkeley coffee houses as number one in service, espresso potency, and pseudo-intellectual conversation content. I was proud to take the time … Read More
Boy, Was My Face Red!!
We’ve all had those embarrassing moments that make us want to just curl up and die. The Squelch invited readers to send in stories of their blush- inducing hijinks, and boy were we surprised at the size of the response. … Read More
The Epistle of St. Mark the Second
1:13 pm — The Meaning of the Apocalypse
The Lord God saith unto me, “Mark, that was a hell of an apocalypse, eh?”
And I replieth unto him, “You’re telling me. What was that all about?” And the Lord threw down before me a stick of incense and … Read More
Like, uh, Finals and Stuff
Once again, finals season is upon us. Perhaps this is your first, and you’re wondering, “How the heck am I going to get through these damn things with passing grades and all?” Perhaps this is your last round of finals, … Read More
Important Dates in History
Dating was invented accidentally by Ms. Grefrock Harding in the late 16th Century* as she was washing her father’s codpiece. As the jewel- encrusted accessory became more and more polished, Grefrock began to see her reflection. She was shocked. And … Read More
Wet Shins & Other Sins
Confessions of a Piss Champ
When I was a little kid scampering around the house, exhilarating bolts of urine saturating the crotch of my that-much-darker blue jeans, I’d dream of being the first unified world’s title piss champion. Even though my mom tried to get … Read More
