So why didn’t I vote? Hell everybody knows that the election’s already decided by the time California votes.
A man enters the bathroom, he shudders, for he has just realized the incredible challenge that now confronts him. He and his … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Da, Comrade!
Commies, as we all know, are brainwashed humanoids dressed in drab- colored clothing, usually quickly eradicated in the name of democracy. Democruds and Republicraps need to be rounded up and shaped into harmless fruity Jell-O molds and given to a … Read More
The True-Life Adventures of Sherri
Misunderstood Repressed Post Sorority Girl
Understand that a sorority girl is a person, with, like, ya know, feelings. Hath not a Tri-Delt eyes? If you prick her, does she not bleed? If she drinks bad Keystone, does she not spew? Here’s what really happens in … Read More
Stressed?
In the aerospace industry, the measurement of stress is a high priority objective. In light of endless manhours devoted to this research it may seem surprising that there are no effective human stress scales available commercially. But this exciting field … Read More
Editor’s Column
If I was the Sun, I’d look for shade.
If I was a bed, I would stay unmade.
If I was a river, I’d run uphill.
You call me, you know I will.
— Grateful Dead
In case you’re wondering, … Read More
Guide to Berkeley Coffee Houses
Although Seattle is known as the city of java, I found out recently that the Venezuelan Immigration Commission rated Berkeley coffee houses as number one in service, espresso potency, and pseudo-intellectual conversation content. I was proud to take the time … Read More
Boy, Was My Face Red!!
We’ve all had those embarrassing moments that make us want to just curl up and die. The Squelch invited readers to send in stories of their blush- inducing hijinks, and boy were we surprised at the size of the response. … Read More
The Epistle of St. Mark the Second
1:13 pm — The Meaning of the Apocalypse
The Lord God saith unto me, “Mark, that was a hell of an apocalypse, eh?”
And I replieth unto him, “You’re telling me. What was that all about?” And the Lord threw down before me a stick of incense and … Read More
SEX: The Heuristic Squelch Interview
Heuristic Squelch: Welcome, Sex. I’m so glad you could take the time out of your busy schedule to talk to us.
Sex: Don’t mention it. I always have time to chat with a loyal follower.
HS: Thanks. So tell me, … Read More
Important Dates in History
Dating was invented accidentally by Ms. Grefrock Harding in the late 16th Century* as she was washing her father’s codpiece. As the jewel- encrusted accessory became more and more polished, Grefrock began to see her reflection. She was shocked. And … Read More
