SEX: The Heuristic Squelch Interview

Heuristic Squelch: Welcome, Sex. I’m so glad you could take the time out of your busy schedule to talk to us.

Sex: Don’t mention it. I always have time to chat with a loyal follower.

HS: Thanks. So tell me, what is your full name, Sex?

Sex: Just “Sex.” You know, like Sting, Madonna, Bono, Iman, that kind of thing. Actually, it used to be Sexovskivich, but my parents changed when we came to this country.

HS: Now let me ask you something the whole world is wondering: Does “Sex” have a significant other?

Sex: Well Jon, that’s a difficult question. You see, even though I am Sex with a capital `S’ I don’t actually have a biological sex. Kind of ironic, ain’t it?

HS: So what you’re saying is that, because of your Pat-like existence, you are the only person who is truly free of a patriarchally constructed notion of gender which traps, binds, and otherwise enslaves every so- called individual residing on this stinking pile of crap we have the misfortune of calling home?

Sex: Something like that.

HS: Tell me about the new album.

Sex: Well, the record is “Dark Side Of The Sex.” It’s a concept album, exploring, what else, the darker side of sex. The first single is “Necrophilia: Never Say Never.” The original title was “How Do You Know You Don’t Like It, You’ve Never Even Tried It?” but that wouldn’t fit on the album. The second single is one of my favorites: “Dogs, cats, and other furry things.”

HS: I know you like using lots of sound effects on your recorded material. What can we expect from this one?

Sex: Well there’s the usual moaning, leading up to sounds of passionate ecstasy, and finally ending in a grand climax of joy and emotional fervor. And a `ba’ thrown in for good measure.

HS: Interesting.

Sex: Not really.

HS: And how’s the tour going?

Sex: Not so hot. Just when things are looking good and ticket sales are booming, it just takes one of those Catholic countries to screw everything up. Fucking Pope!

HS: What was that?

Sex: Uh, Burning Taupe. Its, er, the color of my new car.

HS: Splendid. Let’s turn to something else. What are your feeling about the new U.S. sex survey?

Sex: Frankly, I’m appalled. First of all, did they ask my permission? No. Second, this whole thing is making me feel utterly unwanted. Maybe I should get rid of that AIDS thing.

HS: Perhaps.

Sex: Dammit, I’m not finished. I mean, what does a poorly fabricated, mildly unfunny personification have to do to get some respect around here? Monogamy! Infrequent sexual activity! Phooey!

HS: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.

Sex: Well, I am! Come to think of it, I’m kinda turned on.

HS: Wonderful.

Sex: Oh yes!

HS: Stop that.

Sex: I can’t. I’m so close!

HS: Please don’t.

Sex: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

HS: Ew!

Sex: Oh, sorry ’bout that.

HS: Well, as usual, it’s been nice talking to you. Thanks for coming.

Sex: No, thank you.

Editor’s note: There should have been a witty drum “brump bump” after that last response. But budget problems being what they are, we cannot afford a Multi-Media issue at present. Sorry.