Thanks for reading the Squelch, and remember to pick up a copy of Shrek, now available everywhere on video and DVD. Like bacon cheeseburgers? You’ll also want a delicious copy of Shrek, available on the way home … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Diary of a Penis Artist
Day 1: Wednesday
My teeth were clamped down in the midst of a large bowel movement when the idea came to me. No longer will people stare into the bleak polished door of the dormitory stall without a source of … Read More
Words from the Top
Ba-Boon to Humanity
The methods used to judge the worthiness of a potential mate has grown into a convoluted tortured science that is incomprehensible to suitors themselves. Single men and women gather in remote bars, homes, and vacated warehouses to practice obscure ritualistic … Read More
Words from the Top
Welcome to the Future
There comes a time in the life of every young magazine when that magazine must learn to grow and change, when that magazine must embark upon certain rites of passage. You may have noticed certain … changes in the Squelch … Read More
Frustrating Moments in the life of:
Tikki tikki tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo
The First Day of School > Teacher: Yi?
… Read MoreYi: Here!
Teacher: Chang?
Chang: Here!
Teacher: Tikki tikki tembo-no sa rembo-chari bari ruchi-pip peri pembo?
Tikki: Um, I go by Tikki, thanks. The Answering Machine > Mark: Ready to record our
Sketch Comedy
Man: Excuse me sir? [He is ignored.]
Man: Excuse me? Sir? Sir?
John Cleese: AAAGH!
Man: AGH!
John Cleese: Right, right. What can I do for you then?
Man: Yes, well, I was wondering if I could buy a box … Read More
Why Cross-Country Is Not a Sport
Throughout my young life, I have been confused while reading the sports sections of many newspapers and periodicals. I get confused a lot, but in this case, it’s different. Cross-country is not a sport and should no longer be recognized … Read More
How to Die
How many of us–when dying–convulse with thoughts such as “I wish my life wasn’t ending with me staring helplessly at my wife’s 78 year old ass”? Consider all the unfortunate souls suffering heart attacks or sudden losses of soul while … Read More
To: sex@dailycal.org
Dear Rachael Klein,
First off, kudos for returning Sex on Tuesday to its former dirty self, a column which at its best makes you feel like you should shower after reading it, and even on an off day still makes you want to … Read More
The Happiest Day on Earth in the Happiest Place on Earth
“Pardon me. Is this the Disneyland help desk?”
“Yes. Can I help you?”
“Yeah … I’m looking for my friend. She’s supposed to meet me here. Has anyone come here asking for me?”
“No.”
“I haven’t even told you my … Read More
