Bizarro Jesus Christ

Bizarro Jesus Christ first became known to the world at large around the year 4 B.B.C. (Before Bizarro Christ). To some, He was merely a freak of nature, the product of a futuristic duplicator built by evil genius Pontius Pilate. To others, He was the Bizarro Messiah.

According to Bizarro Scripture, Bizarro Jesus was no product of an Immaculate Conception–His parents fucked. Nor was He the son of God, though God and His dad were in a fraternity together in college. It was prophesied that He would someday come and, since the regular Jesus was already dying for the sins of mankind, Bizarro Jesus would make the ultimate sacrifice, and sin for the deaths of mankind.

Bizarro Jesus attained fame at a fairly young age when, incensed at the behavior of moneylenders in his local temple, He ordered an immediate deregulation of the temple banking industry. As He grew older, it became common to see Bizarro Jesus wandering Judea, handlebar mustache waxed to perfection, performing various miracles. He brought a dead man named Lazarus back to life by performing CPR. With just a wave of His hands, he could change wine into water. Also, He could fly under a yellow sun.

The life of Bizarro Jesus was not without strife, however. He was once taken to the beach, and tempted by Satan for nearly 40 minutes. At a meeting of his disciples, when food ran scarce, it was only Bizarro Jesus’ well-timed call to West Coast Pizza that kept His followers from starving. Later in His life, when He was persectued by the Romans, it was only the actions of His apostle Naive, Trusting Thomas that saved His life.

What eventually happened to Bizarro Jesus is still a mystery. Some scholars say He fell ill, and after three days, crawled into His tomb and died. Others theorize that He retired to become a carpenter, albeit a poor one, becoming a fixture at local emergency rooms with His recurring nail wounds. This author believes Bizarro Jesus simply said goodbye to His disciples, told them not to cry, and promised He’d be back again some day, then walked off through a puddle of water, feet remaining miraculously dry due to a well-made pair of galoshes.