How to Die

How many of us–when dying–convulse with thoughts such as “I wish my life wasn’t ending with me staring helplessly at my wife’s 78 year old ass”? Consider all the unfortunate souls suffering heart attacks or sudden losses of soul while watching E: True Hollywood Story or the fourth quarter of any Cal football game. These fools haven’t prepared for the grim reality that is Cal football or “real-life” television. To them–and to those of us who haven’t given proper thought to How to Die–I dedicate this guide.

Preparing for Sudden Death:

The purpose of preparing for Sudden Death is to avoid Dying Suddenly. Even if it means stealing a liver from a passerby and using it to prolong your life by 10-20 minutes, do what it takes to postpone collapse. Keep a handy “Not Immediately Dying” fanny pack with you at all times. This fanny pack should contain the following:

  • Vendetta: Keeping the banked coals of burning hate in your heart can prolong your last gasps by up to five minutes. Sean Connery tested, Kevin approved!
  • Copy of the “How to Keep From Dying for Up to Five Hours” manual, by Jesus
  • Mighty Mouse
  • Background orchestra: Melodramatic music = slow death.
  • Adrenaline injection: At best, it may keep your blood pumping a bit longer when you shoot it directly into your heart. Failing that, it’ll be a good rush.

Other useful strategies for prolonging death:

  1. Harbor a mutually unspoken love for a secret soul mate. As you die, you’ll be guaranteed enough gasping moments in your tearful lover’s arms to choke out a confession of your love before the life passes from your lips just as you share your first, and last, kiss.

  2. As you die, continually guess at your exact moment of death (i.e. “I’m going to die … now.”). Chances are, most guesses will be wrong.

Readying the Perfect Death:

The most important reason to avoid dying suddenly is to ensure that one has time to die perfectly. Put some thought into this! For instance, smartass nerds say they want to die “being chased off a cliff by topless women” a la Monty Python. A: The topless girls in that movie are British. B: You’re running away from them. Hence, you see no boobs. C: You can do better!

When preparing the perfect death, remember that you won’t have much time. Unless you can feel the cold grasp of syphilis finally ending your pain, or are suffering a fatal but slow-killing gut wound, chances are that whatever is killing you off is going about it quickly and efficiently.

To prepare for that, I’ve built a “Death Chamber” in the spare room of my apartment. (Bathroom.) If I feel a death coming on, all I need to do is sit down on my Death Chair (toilet) and pull the lever. Automatically, two syringes of pure Canadian heroin jab into my buttcheeks, and a hidden catapult and chute flings the unsuspecting girl next door through the door and onto my naked crotch. Video monitors begin playing my favorite scenes from The Simpsons and The Tick, while a speakerphone lets me call gang hits on the rat bastards who’ve just killed me. Then, as I expire, another catapult shoots my lifeless body into Newman Hall, where the honest priests will give me a decent Catholic burial.

Your own “perfect death” may vary, but I hope I’ve given everyone some ideas. Remember: if you can’t look forward to your own death, then you’ll just die disappointed.