One of the advantages of the Heuristic Squelch as a magazine is the long period of time from when the issue goes to press and when it actually reaches the anxious sweat-drenched and abnormally sticky palms of the student body. … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Fun Things I Would Do as a Ghost
While being alive and being dead both have their jollies, for jollies nothing beats a state of unbeing twisted between death and life. You can walk through walls, jog through walls, even do a cartwheel through, yes, a wall. Other … Read More
Obscure Moments In Film History
Every viewing of Disney’s Goonies (1985) fills me with the same seeping dread.
It comes near the end of Goonies when the father takes the contract which would have sold his home to greedy land developers and rips it up, … Read More
Famous Fred’s Vegetarian House of Meats
Made with only the highest quality meats from animals that deserved to die
Sirloin Steak Skewers $17.95
Fred lets you be judge, jury, and executioner when you order his scrumptious sliced top sirloin made exclusively from child-molesting cattle. Marinated in a Szechwan sauce with chili, garlic, cayenne pepper, and sweet justice. Served with … Read More
Menage a Threesome
College is a time for experimentation. For some, this means actual experiments. On lab animals. For others, this means learning to laugh and love with a tight knit group of Southern women who will stay in each others’ hearts always. … Read More
If Getting into Heaven Were Like Getting into College
The Interview
GABRIEL: …And then the Devil comes in and says “Okay, coffeebreak over, back on your heads!”
SOUL: Ha ha ha! Oh, that’s so hilarious!
GABRIEL: Okay, seriously, what’s your intended circle of heaven?
SOUL: I think I want … Read More
An Introduction to Boozes for the New College Man
Welcome to Cal. By this time, thanks to the massive spiritual coming-together of 18 year-olds freed for the first time in a new city and kegs of Natural Ice freed to flow once again from their summer hiatus in retched-beer … Read More
Warren G, You Useless, Useless Bastard: A Critical Study
Hip-hop music, specifically that of the gangsta rap variety, has been woefully under-represented in academic circles. With this study, I would like to begin a new epoch of scholar-ship, a G-Funk Era, if you will, to give the proper critical … Read More
What This Sci-Fi Movie Needs is Some Quasi-Philosophical Elements and Overt Judeo-Christian Symbolism
Pull up a chair and order some Thai fusion, Henderson. Our big-budget Sci-fi movie “Robots Inc.” just isn’t jelling. I know we’ve got the gritty, industrial futuristic themes and the flimsy excuse for bullet-time slow-mo sequences; we’ve got DJ Mo-vo, … Read More
Words From The Top
Car for Sale
A lot has happened since the Squelch and its readers parted ways for the summer. The ASUC continues to fund student “service” groups so that they can stay at hotels and go on whitewater rafting trips in the Sierras and … Read More
