Have you ever wondered what happens when you take a fat kid’s peach cobbler? He sits on you. That’s right, he sits on you as he eats the rest of his peach cobbler, wishing it was a la mode. That’s … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Theoretical Physics…for Children!
Energy
Imagine you’re making popcorn. Each kernel is like a molecule. The microwave or the stovetop or the burning trashcan you use to pop the corn is adding energy to the molecules, which makes them dance and play and bounce … Read More
Words from the Top
Peeing in Jars Is Not So Bad
Sometimes I forget why I love America. Sometimes I forget all that fancy freedom talk and democracy speak and just need to get to the roots of why I’m so darn proud of living here.
In my musings, I’ve found … Read More
Great Moments in Super Bowl History
In honor of Super Bowl XXXIX, we recap some of the great moments in Super Bowl history as best we can remember.
1966–The Just-OK Bowl is deemed uninspired and boring when the Scranton Haymakers beat the A-1 Hardware Wildcats in … Read More
We Are Very Angry
Dear person whose first name is an initial,
Who the fuck are you kidding? No one here believes that when you were born your parents decided to give you an initial for a first name. What, they named you after … Read More
Paid Advertisement
I knew something had to be done the morning1 the button popped off my jeans2. Shocked and appalled, I realized that I could no longer ignore the cold, hard truth reflected3 in the mirror on the wall4. I was fat5.… Read More
After-drinking Games
Many people give up and call it a night when the party ends, but what if your pussy doesn’t hurt? What if you need at least another strong belt of scotch to calm the DTs? Well, the fun doesn’t end … Read More
My Virtual Girl
As I gaze into my Microsoft SPOT watch and listen to my iPod Mini, I now realize that the digitized and specular-lit bump-mapped wheels of technology have spun their blue-LED-laser-guided gears to a new epoch. My virtual girlfriend is now … Read More
Island Etiquette
Dear Kyle,
It has been seven days since I decided to eat you. It has also been seven days since you shot me in the leg and ran away from the plane with our only canteen.
It’s important to me … Read More
Sigmund Freud’s Forgotten Sessions
Many psychologists regard Sigmund Freud as one of the most influential psychologists of all time. But these people are forgetting that his “medical advice” consisted of huge amounts of cocaine GAA which, last time I checked, was responsible for people … Read More
