In this, my final Words from the Top as your beloved Editor-in-Chief, I’d like to now take this opportunity to run down a list of as many terms for female genitalia as possible:
Pussy. Vagina. Labia. Murderer’s Row. Twat. Pudendum. … Read More
Tag Archives: David Duman
The Several Lost Diaries of Kaiser Wilhelm II
King of Prussia and Emperor of the Federated German States
January 19, 1871
Grandpa Wilhelm was crowned Emperor yesterday. I’ve spent the last fourteen hours crossing “Prussia” off his royal letterhead and replacing it with “Germany.” He told me it builds character. Unified German character.
November 18, 1890
After firing … Read More
Seven Episodes of the FCC
Episode One
Secretary: Mr. Powell?
FCC Chairman Michael Powell: Yes?
Secretary: Your father’s on the line.
Powell: And?
Secretary: He doesn’t love you.
Episode Two
Secretary: Mr. Powell?
Powell: Yes?
Secretary: I’m pregnant.
Powell: You told me you were on … Read More
Words from the Top
Leonard Nimoy Was Right
Who hasn’t whiled away hours sitting in front of expanded basic cable, skipping midday classes in favor of Kids in the Hall reruns or that episode of Mythbusters that you’ve seen five times already this week. Nevermind that it’s still … Read More
The Diary of Sarah “Lefty Mondale” Spruce
Enemy of the Religious Right
As a proud proponent of morality, heterosexuality, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Holy Virgin Mother, and flossing, it is my duty as a God-fearing American to release for publication this diary. A diary written by a woman so … Read More
SARS Makes a Comeback
The international world was shocked last week by the surprise return of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS, in the same region of China where the original outbreak took place.
“I thought that we had seen the last of SARS, … Read More
Words From The Top
Spring Fever
There’s a lot about this campus that’s unique. It’s a public institution with a private school pedigree. It’s a collection of bright young Californians surrounded by hepatitis-riddled street people and arrogant, ugly, frigid, self-hating, pretentious, quasi-hippie…
…pseudo-intellectual, bad-driving, sarong-wearing, think-they’re-worldly-and-spiritual-but-actually-just-obnoxious-and-superficial, … Read More
A Real Pro.
Now I know that you’re going to say that it’s impossible to win at slots, that each machine is programmed to retain a certain percentage and that each pull of the machine still gives you the exact same odds whether … Read More
Words from the Top
The Tomato
There are few living things in this world more controversial, and I say this without hyperbole, than the tomato (Lycopersicon lycopersicum and Lycopersicon esculentum).
It is interesting to note that the tomato’s closest relatives in the plant kingdom … Read More
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Recently uncovered and collected by the National Archives are personal journals kept by everyday citizens in the days following September 11, 2001. It is an attempt to preserve for all time these raw, incisive, and emotional accounts of what people … Read More
