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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 13- Issue 5

Road to Heterosexuality

March 1, 2004
,

Many “credited” scientists have “tried” to tell people that sexuality is created through a mix of genetics and conditioning. But scientists are stupid. If there were no scientists I wouldn’t’ve had to put up with my idiot big brother, because he would’ve died of polio at the age of five.

Through my own research I have discovered that the process of sexuality is a constantly developing entity that is more or less finalized by the end of high school. This process can be accounted for using an underdeveloped “point scale theory” of my own creation. Because I ended up on the hetero end of things, I’m assigning that one positive values. Thems the breaks.

1982

Nurse mistakenly dresses me in pink singlet instead of blue.

-5 points

1984

Breast feeding and more breast feeding.

+15 points

1987

“Santa” mistakenly delivers little T.J. Mattel’s “Kid Sister” instead of “My Buddy.”

-10 points

1988 (6th birthday)

Parents continue purchasing “Kid Sister” accessories.

-5 points

1989

Received Nintendo game console, forced by older brother to play as Luigi.

-5 points

1989

Don’t have anal sex with another man.

+10 points

1990

Weekend with “crazy” Uncle Donny (memory suppressed).

probably -5 points, maybe -50

1990

Badly burned in a vicious game of being “liked” but not “like liked.”

-5 points

1992

Picked first for dodgeball, but only because other kids try and miss me so I won’t cry.

-5 points

1992

Boy Scouts. I learn about knots and fires.

+10 points

1992

Boy Scouts. I also learn about polyester shorts worn with a cloth belt.

-5 points

1993

Early exposure to pornography via Playboy magazine, thanks to Big Bro.

+15 points (usually +30, but read articles)

1994

Peanut butter-on-balls trick found to be much more pleasurable with female dog.

+10 points

1995

First sexual experience interrupted by parents wielding pots and pans with shouts of “No, TJ, no!”

-5 points

1996 & 1997

Find yearly high school hernia test slightly arousing. This wouldn’t be too bad, but I also find scoliosis test and math test arousing.

-10 points

1998

Coach gives slap on the ass after practice. Regardless, we still lose the Math-lympics competition.

-5 points

1999

Find myself singing along to song lyrics “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.”

-5 points

2000 (prom)

Thanks to a plus-sized date and her crippling self-esteem issues, virginity is finally released into the wild.

+40 POINTS! YES!

2001

Prom date turns lesbian.

Either +20 or -20 points

200

High-five some dude at a sporting and/or gambling event.

+5 points

Total score: Hm, I guess I need to talk to my psychiatrist about Uncle Donny. Still, I’m not gay.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Most Unlikely “Bush in 2004” Campaign Slogans

March 1, 2004
  1. Elect him again, for the first time
  2. Now more than ever, horses in midstream like Ike
  3. Continue remembering September 11th
  4. And this time, we won’t need Jesus!
  5. Eight amendments down, 19 to go
  6. Play it again, Scalia
  7. This may be your last chance to vote for him
  8. Watch out, Syria!
  9. OBEY
  10. For real this time
Volume 13- Issue 5

Tech Support Through History

March 1, 2004
,

Caveman Times

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support. What can I do for you?
Caveman: I’ve got some problems with the sticks.
T.S.: Like what? Did you remember to break the stick off the tree first? Are you holding a branch?
Caveman: It’s not swinging. I don’t know what the problem is. I’m just hanging here in this tree with my free arm.
T.S.: I told you. You’re holding a branch. I’ll connect you to the branch people.

Middle Ages

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support.
Cleric: Alright. So, with the witches. When she floats she’s normal, but when she sinks she’s a witch, right?
T.S.: Let me check. [shuffles papers] Nope, you’ve got it backwards.
Cleric: Oh. Well, okay, how about this? If we bring her back up and prop her up on some kind of raft, where she says some Satanic chant from beyond the grave, and then she floats? She’s a witch then, right?
T.S.: A raft? Let me check [frantic typing noises]. Yeah, I don’t think so.
Cleric: Well, do you know a number for a flowers place? I should probably send something to…someone.

French Revolution

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support, what can I help you with?
Bourgeoisie: Hi, um, yes, it’s me, a member of the, uh, bourgeoisie, and I’m having [giggles] problems getting service here in the, uh [snicker], the Bastille. [muffled laughter]
T.S.: Sounds clear to me. What’s the problem?
Bourgeoisie: See, it’s [clears throat], well, the problem is GAA
T.S.: [interrupts] Robespierre? Is that you?
Robespierre: How’d you know it was me?! I was just pranking you. All those assholes are dead. Want to go out for margaritas later? I know a great place.

1800s America

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support, what can I do for you?
Alexander Graham Bell: See? It works.
T.S.: You’ve done this several times, Mr. Bell.
AGB: Mr. Clear-as-a-bell, that is!
T.S.: [sighs] Yes.
AGB: [pause] So how’s it going?

Future Time

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support.
Bill: I’m having some problems with the hover feature of my space car.
T.S.: Have you checked the sparkplugs?
Bill: Oh wait, my silver space suit was stuck in the space door. Now it’s fine.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Seven Episodes of the FCC

March 1, 2004
,

Episode One

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
FCC Chairman Michael Powell: Yes?
Secretary: Your father’s on the line.
Powell: And?
Secretary: He doesn’t love you.

Episode Two

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
Powell: Yes?
Secretary: I’m pregnant.
Powell: You told me you were on the piGAA
Secretary: By your father.

Episode Three

Complainant: Look, I’m telling you that my neighbors are sending pornographic material over the airwaves! They need to be fined.
FCC Controller: Sir, ogling your daughter while she sunbathes does not involve the airwaves.
Complainant: ButGAA
Controller: I’d strongly suggest that you just advise her to find a more discreet location.
Complainant: But then I’d have to reinstall the webcam.

Episode Four

Commissioner Abernathy: So, what’s your finding?
Counsel: Sir, we find the particular instance under question to not meet the criteria for obscenity.
Chairman Powell: So you don’t think it appeals to the prurient interests of the average American?
Counsel: No sir, we think that it does.
Commissioner Adelstein: And you don’t think it depicts, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct as defined by our guidelines?
Counsel: No ma’am. It depicts that for sure.
Commissioner Martin: So, what then?
Counsel: It is our opinion that the videos of Chairman Powell having sexual relations with a donkey carry with them significant political and scientific value.
Commissioner Kopps: He’s got a point, Mike.

Episode Five

Ham Radio Operator: Stupid cunt.
FCC Controller: Hm, did anyone else hear that?
Stupid Cunt: I heard it.
FCC Controller: All right, I’m taking you in.

Episode Six

Network Executive: Look, all we want is to show two pair of tits each season.
FCC Controller: Wait wait, is that two tits or two pair of tits?
Exec: Two pair.
Controller: So I’m hearing four tits total. Four tits?
Exec: Four tits.
Controller: Says here you already filled your tit quota last Thursday.
Exec: Last Thursday?
Controller: With Cancer: The Tragedy and Its Survivors.
Exec: Fucking Ad Council.

Episode Seven

Colin Powell: Son?
Michael Powell: Yeah?
Colin Powell: I hate you son.
Michael Powell: ButGAA
Colin Powell: Your mother and I both hate you.
Michael Powell: Why did you get my secretary pregGAA
Colin Powell: So the child will hate you.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Joel Stephanson: Candidate for President of the United States

March 1, 2004
,

“Yesterday, December 7, 1941 GAA a date which will live in infamy GAA the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”
GAA Franklin Delano Roosevelt, December 8th, 1941

Dear Fellow American,

I’ve spent the last year putting together a detailed plan to get our country moving again, regardless of direction. The heart of my plan is based on the simple promise of America that I learned growing up in a small town on the border between Massachusetts and New York: if you work hard and do the right thing, your state’s Senator will eventually die in a boating accident and you’ll be appointed in his stead due to a clerical error. It’s a classic story of success that has attracted immigrants to this country for thousands upon thousands of years.

My Childhood in America

I have always felt a deep and very personal tie to every state in this great nation. I was born on the spot in America where five states meet at a corner, and before then my pregnant mother was flown around the country for a while on a Pan Am jet. I guess you could say I was born in just about every part of America, excepting the non-voting territories. But the states I feel most in touch with are California, Texas, New York, Florida, and Illinois.

Qualifications

  • I’ve experienced the American dream firsthand, turning a small investment into a thriving savings-and-loan.

  • I’ve experienced the common hardships of many Americans, such as when my savings-and-loan collapsed into bankruptcy.

  • I’m also an outsider unburdened by inside-the-Beltway experience, which is why I know how to make big government work for you! I may not know where every office on Capitol Hill is or the names of all fifty-three Supreme Court Headmasters, but somehow my high school-level civic knowledge will become a massive asset toward my presidential goals.

The Economy

I know how to be strong and stand by my convictions. Last year the President proposed a bill that would’ve changed this country’s tax system forever; a bill that would’ve sapped millions of dollars from our nation’s future and destroyed any hope of balancing the budget while fighting terrorism. My absence ensured this bill’s defeat. My month-long Senate career has been marked by dozens of dynamic absences such as these; absences that saved our great nation from millions of dollars in legislation.

I know that the hard work, ingenuity, and determination of middle- and working-class Americans are what have made our economy a strong and mighty beacon to the world that shines on a hill of hope from a lighthouse of freedom.

It’s easy for the President to claim to know how working-class people feel from his throne in the White House atop his Oval Tower. But he’s never seen the plight of working people up close like I have. I have a plan to restore dignity to working Americans. I’ve spoken with leading Americans about these problems, including famous businessman Kenneth Lay and actor’s actor Tony Danza. I once also met Cher at a celebrity hockey tournament.

The Problem of Today

Our streets are infested with crime and drugs and our children are not safe! We must protect our children from guns and violence, because truly, the youth of today are our nation’s future. Someday, today’s youth will have their own youth, and that youth will then be the future of America. But for now, today’s youth is the youth and the future, and we must protect this youth because they are the future of America. In sum, I support all the children and potential childrens. But I don’t support our children having children just yet.

My Plan for America

The President has been supporting companies that use Asian sweatshops that employ children as young as six. These children work in slave-labor conditions to make billions of euros of merchandise every year. Why does the President continue to allow the euro to be the currency unit of choice in Asia’s thriving sweatshops? Each day the dollar grows weaker, and soon there may be a time when sweatshops won’t even be willing to buy and sell children in dollars, only euros. If elected President, I will restore strength to the dollar so that it is used across the globe, its message of freedom broadcast wherever it is used.

Volume 13- Issue 5

An Open Letter to My Fellow Americans

From: President Gore

March 1, 2004
,

Four years ago I defeated Republican candidate Bush in a hard-fought contest of my imagination. A battle that sharply divided America was decided only when thousands of uncounted “me” votes magically appeared in a warehouse in Pahokee, Florida. Since then I have worked hard to dream up initiatives and policies to unite America, should I have actually been elected. And now, with the 2004 campaign upon us, I am proud to announce that the Imaginary Citizens for Gore 2004 campaign is gearing up for another battle for America.

I stand by my actions against foreign terrorism. On September 11th, terrorists nearly wounded this nation, halted only by my daring midair parachute into that fateful airliner, wrenching the controls away from the terrorists and missing the World Trade Center with only seconds to spare. I fault myself for letting that plane in the air in the first place. I took too long in the Boston airport, taking out 19 terrorists using only my briefcase and slow motion John Woo-style moves. If I hadn’t stopped to stylishly put on my sunglasses, trenchcoat flapping in the wind, I would’ve jetpacked to New York in time.

Over the past four years I have successfully overcome every adversity that has faced this nation. When the nation was wracked by controversy over Tipper’s breast implants, I carefully tied traditional feminism to modern female sexual empowerment. When the Times uncovered my underground torture chamber, I graciously let Mr. Nader go free. And to those who claim that the adversities facing my imaginary nation bear a close resemblance to last weekend’s West Wing, I say, “That is just a coincidence.”

My restructuring of Medicare and Social Security balanced the budget and earned me the universal applause of a grateful nation, as well as honorary citizenship in many of the world’s nations. But in my next imaginary term I will do more. The Democrats scored convincing victories in the midterm elections, taking every seat in Texas and, in many cases, driving Republicans into foreign exile. The remaining Republican leadership has been depleted by my fantasy hunting trips, where the only names are Hunter and Prey (R).

This leaves us free to accomplish so much more in a made-up second term. I can oversee the rebuilding of our education system, handle Canada’s pleading application to join the US, and take out South American drug lords in a Tom Clancy-style marine mission, led by me. And I will fantasize a way to take out Saddam in a way so much better then Bush is actually doing.

America, polls show that you support me. All of you. And it’s true that my opponent, Jeb Bush, will soon turn out to be a closet pedophile who gives rimjobs to Katherine Harris. But I want to be pretend-supported for my virtues, not my enemies’ made-up faults. I want to earn your vote. Join me, and we will remake America, all within my own head.

Sincerely,

President Albert Gore
Order of the Garter
Legionne D’Honneur
Secretly 008, Superspy