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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 14- Issue 2

Tragedy Befalls Guinness

October 1, 2004
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The Guinness Brewing Company, world renowned for championing Irish stereotypes and for its quasi-popular Guinness Book of World Records, witnessed record-breaking bloodshed at its annual World Record Holders Convention in Burbank, California, last weekend.

According to preliminary reports, the incident began as the World’s Smallest Midget and the World’s Smallest Dwarf argued over who could fit more snugly into the overhead compartment of an airplane. The argument was brought to a halt as the dwarf stabbed a comically oversized fork into the midget’s eye. The World’s Fattest Man, a close friend of the midget, rolled his four-ton body onto the dwarf in bloody retaliation. The dwarf’s body has yet to be excavated.

This instigated the World’s Angriest Man to bash various other world record holders (among them the World’s Blindest Man) with the World’s Most Dangerous Wiffle Bat while the World’s Saddest Man sat in a corner and cried. To end this pointless massacre, the one-eyed man managed to stab the angriest man despite lacking depth perception. Meanwhile, the no-eyed man tried to help his visually impaired brother but ended up beating the life out of an unsuspecting and non-world record-holding shrub.

Volume 14- Issue 2

The Real Wonder Years

October 1, 2004
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Ah, the Wonder Years. That special time in a boy’s life from 8 to 8:30 on ABC’s Wednesday night lineup. Sadly, the show deeply misled the youth of America by making us think that during any conversation or event in our lives, we could stop for a three-minute internal monologue featuring the voice of renowned comic/actor Daniel Stern.

Hiking…

Lindsay: What are you looking at, Kevin?
Kevin’s Internal Monologue: Oh no! A giant boulder was heading straight for Lindsay!
Lindsay: Why aren’t you talking?
Internal Monologue: Boy, this was a big moment in my life. I just knew that if I could save Lindsay from that giant boulder, I’d be a hero in her eyes. From that moment on I was resolved to act. I knew I could GAA
Lindsay: AHHHHHH!!!
Kevin: …Whoops.

Studying with Flashcards…

Mom: Okay, Kevin. I’ll hold up the card, and you read the word and tell me which periodic element it is. [Holds up card showing “Fe”]
Internal Monologue: It was hard remembering all the elements, but my mom cared about my education and she was always willing to…
Mom: Kevin! Can’t you even guess? This is an easy one.
Internal Monologue: Iron! It’s iron! Say iron!
Kevin: Phosphorus.
Internal Monologue: You fuckup. You fucking GAA dammit.

In Class…

Teacher: Okay, Kevin. Please show us how to solve this equation on the board.
Internal Monologue: Was he serious? I was no genius, how could I…
Teacher: Kevin, why are you staring into space? And where’s that warm, comforting background music coming from?
Kevin: Oh boy, this was getting bad fast.
Teacher: Who are you talking to and why are you speaking in the past tense?
Internal Monologue: Oh, nothing, Mr. Rhymer.
Kevin: Boy, that was close.
Teacher: Are you retarded or something?

On a Date…

Winnie Cooper: I had a great night, Kevin. We should do this again sometime.
Internal Monologue: Oh boy, she was leaning forward. Did she want me to kiss her? What if I leaned forward to kiss her and she pulled back? I knew this was a big moment and I was scared, but I had to make a decision before GAA
Winnie Cooper: AHHHHHH!!!!!!
Internal Monologue: Wow, two boulders in one day. What are the odds? I should really stop taking people to the sunken edge of this gorge.

Gambling on Baseball Games…

Paul: Kevin, you’re crazy. The Seattle Pilots will never beat the Senators.
Kevin: I’m telling you. They’re gonna win the pennant.
Paul: Wanna bet 50 dollars?
Internal Monologue: Boy. This was a big decision. Did I want to gamble even though my father forbade it?…Wait, shit, I remember that A.L. pennant race. They lost! DON’T MAKE THE BET! DON’T MAKE THE BET!
Kevin: You’re on!
Internal Monologue: Aw, screw this, I’m gonna flash back to that episode where special guest gym teacher Robert Picardo taught sex ed and hilarity ensued. [Wistful sigh] Hilarity ensued.

Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Disney Blaxploitation Films

October 1, 2004
  1. Sambi
  2. Aladdin Jones
  3. Finding Nee-fro
  4. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and This Huge Black Guy Who Hates White People
  5. Snow Honkey and the Seven Jive Turkeys
  6. The Foxy Bitch and the Hound
  7. Black Beauty and the Beast
  8. The Hunchblack of Notre Dame
  9. Blackahontas
  10. The Aristoblacks
Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Most Comfortable Ways to Die

October 1, 2004
  1. Extremely mild leukemia
  2. Spooning a bear
  3. Dehydration from relentless oral sex
  4. Metaphorically
  5. Being shot in a Brookstone massage chair
  6. Eaten by toothless dinosaur
  7. Choking on feathers
  8. A car accident, while reclining and drinking a non-poisonous beer
  9. Drinking a poisonous beer in your recliner
  10. Stabbed through a fluffy jacket
Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Eight Election-themed Gay Porno Movies

October 1, 2004
  1. A Brazilian Lacrosse Team Jacks Off on Lyndon LaRouche’s Face
  2. Moderated Masturdebates: The 90-second Rebuttal
  3. Cock the Vote
  4. Teabagging the Carpetbagger: A Night with Alan Keyes
  5. Big Swinging Caucuses
  6. Only Bob Dole’s Right Arm Is Limp
  7. The Erectoral College
  8. Hung Chad
Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Converted Rock Bands

October 1, 2004
  1. Peter, Paul, and Mary (the Ones from the Bible)
  2. The Chemical-free Brothers
  3. Guns N’ Moses
  4. Nirvana…Does Not Exist
  5. Green Day That the Lord Hath Made
  6. Three Wise Men at Work
  7. Not-so-bad Religion
  8. John 3:11
  9. Burning Bush
  10. Ozzy Osbourne Again
Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Lesbian Candies

October 1, 2004
  1. BeTwix’t Her Legs
  2. 3 Muskydikes
  3. 5th Avenue…Where Two Women Are Currently Eating Each Other’s Vaginas
  4. Snickers from Normal People
  5. Ani DiFranco Acoustic Guitar Symphony Bar
  6. O Henrietta!
  7. Skor (with Women)
  8. Mounds
  9. Klit Kat
  10. Butchy Ruth
Volume 14- Issue 2

Top Ten Misogynistic Rock Songs

October 1, 2004
  1. You Are the Walrus
  2. [Four minutes of Ike Turner rambling incoherently]
  3. Roxanne (or Whatever Your Name Was)
  4. Don’t Fear the Reaper, Fear Your Husband
  5. D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T
  6. Baby, You Can’t Drive My Car (No, Really, You Can’t)
  7. Black Eye of the Tiger Who Talked Back
  8. Hey, Hey, You, You, Get Into My Trunk
  9. She Works Hard for the Money (But Earns Only 70%)
  10. Fat Bottomed Girls (Are Unacceptable)
Volume 14- Issue 2

Friends Worried About Joe

October 1, 2004
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Local pedophile Joe Flagherty has started to lose interest in his illegal hobby and is drifting away from his pedophile friends.

Flagherty recently purchased the Sony Playstation 2 and Xbox game consoles to add to his colorful candy-filled living room, which he has dubbed “the rosebud trap” for its propensity to attract neighborhood boys. But he’s found himself more than a little distracted by his newest baits.

Explained Flagherty, “I dunno, I guess I’ll get back to raping children soon, but have you played that NFL 2K5 game? The graphics are great, and with the voice chat features, I can hear the sweet, sweet erotic sound of children’s voices anytime I want.”

Friend and fellow pedophile Quinn O’Connor expressed concern. “If this sort of thing could happen to an old crib-rider like Joe, it could happen to anyone. Pretty soon guys are gonna stop wearing their super-thin pedophile mustaches and we’ll barely even see each other except around the playgrounds.”

O’Connor went on to suggest that Flagherty’s natural affinity for the games is due to his excellent hand-eye coordination, developed by years of holding children down while simultaneously unfastening his belt.