- You just killed the Yearling; didn’t want to dig two holes
- For your sins
- To prevent a sequel
- Sudden appearance of New Yeller
- Knew too much
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Latest Issue
Top Ten Disney Blaxploitation Films
- Sambi
- Aladdin Jones
- Finding Nee-fro
- The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and This Huge Black Guy Who Hates White People
- Snow Honkey and the Seven Jive Turkeys
- The Foxy Bitch and the Hound
- Black Beauty and the Beast
- The Hunchblack of Notre Dame
- Blackahontas
- The Aristoblacks
Top Eight Election-themed Gay Porno Movies
- A Brazilian Lacrosse Team Jacks Off on Lyndon LaRouche’s Face
- Moderated Masturdebates: The 90-second Rebuttal
- Cock the Vote
- Teabagging the Carpetbagger: A Night with Alan Keyes
- Big Swinging Caucuses
- Only Bob Dole’s Right Arm Is Limp
- The Erectoral College
- Hung Chad
The Real Wonder Years
Ah, the Wonder Years. That special time in a boy’s life from 8 to 8:30 on ABC’s Wednesday night lineup. Sadly, the show deeply misled the youth of America by making us think that during any conversation or event in our lives, we could stop for a three-minute internal monologue featuring the voice of renowned comic/actor Daniel Stern.
Hiking…
Lindsay: What are you looking at, Kevin?
Kevin’s Internal Monologue: Oh no! A giant boulder was heading straight for Lindsay!
Lindsay: Why aren’t you talking?
Internal Monologue: Boy, this was a big moment in my life. I just knew that if I could save Lindsay from that giant boulder, I’d be a hero in her eyes. From that moment on I was resolved to act. I knew I could GAA
Lindsay: AHHHHHH!!!
Kevin: …Whoops.
Studying with Flashcards…
Mom: Okay, Kevin. I’ll hold up the card, and you read the word and tell me which periodic element it is. [Holds up card showing “Fe”]
Internal Monologue: It was hard remembering all the elements, but my mom cared about my education and she was always willing to…
Mom: Kevin! Can’t you even guess? This is an easy one.
Internal Monologue: Iron! It’s iron! Say iron!
Kevin: Phosphorus.
Internal Monologue: You fuckup. You fucking GAA dammit.
In Class…
Teacher: Okay, Kevin. Please show us how to solve this equation on the board.
Internal Monologue: Was he serious? I was no genius, how could I…
Teacher: Kevin, why are you staring into space? And where’s that warm, comforting background music coming from?
Kevin: Oh boy, this was getting bad fast.
Teacher: Who are you talking to and why are you speaking in the past tense?
Internal Monologue: Oh, nothing, Mr. Rhymer.
Kevin: Boy, that was close.
Teacher: Are you retarded or something?
On a Date…
Winnie Cooper: I had a great night, Kevin. We should do this again sometime.
Internal Monologue: Oh boy, she was leaning forward. Did she want me to kiss her? What if I leaned forward to kiss her and she pulled back? I knew this was a big moment and I was scared, but I had to make a decision before GAA
Winnie Cooper: AHHHHHH!!!!!!
Internal Monologue: Wow, two boulders in one day. What are the odds? I should really stop taking people to the sunken edge of this gorge.
Gambling on Baseball Games…
Paul: Kevin, you’re crazy. The Seattle Pilots will never beat the Senators.
Kevin: I’m telling you. They’re gonna win the pennant.
Paul: Wanna bet 50 dollars?
Internal Monologue: Boy. This was a big decision. Did I want to gamble even though my father forbade it?…Wait, shit, I remember that A.L. pennant race. They lost! DON’T MAKE THE BET! DON’T MAKE THE BET!
Kevin: You’re on!
Internal Monologue: Aw, screw this, I’m gonna flash back to that episode where special guest gym teacher Robert Picardo taught sex ed and hilarity ensued. [Wistful sigh] Hilarity ensued.
Top Ten Most Comfortable Ways to Die
- Extremely mild leukemia
- Spooning a bear
- Dehydration from relentless oral sex
- Metaphorically
- Being shot in a Brookstone massage chair
- Eaten by toothless dinosaur
- Choking on feathers
- A car accident, while reclining and drinking a non-poisonous beer
- Drinking a poisonous beer in your recliner
- Stabbed through a fluffy jacket
Top Ten Lesbian Candies
- BeTwix’t Her Legs
- 3 Muskydikes
- 5th Avenue…Where Two Women Are Currently Eating Each Other’s Vaginas
- Snickers from Normal People
- Ani DiFranco Acoustic Guitar Symphony Bar
- O Henrietta!
- Skor (with Women)
- Mounds
- Klit Kat
- Butchy Ruth
Top Five Song Lyrics Rejected by Johnny Cash for Not Being Tough Enough
- “My daddy left home when I was three / He came back home later that day, but still”
- “Because you’re mine / I walk across the street when instructed by the sign”
- “Daddy sang bass / Other daddy sang tenor”
- “Love is a burning thing / And it really hurts / To touch burning things”
- “I shot a man in Reno / Just to get some pie”
Tragedy Befalls Guinness
The Guinness Brewing Company, world renowned for championing Irish stereotypes and for its quasi-popular Guinness Book of World Records, witnessed record-breaking bloodshed at its annual World Record Holders Convention in Burbank, California, last weekend.
According to preliminary reports, the incident began as the World’s Smallest Midget and the World’s Smallest Dwarf argued over who could fit more snugly into the overhead compartment of an airplane. The argument was brought to a halt as the dwarf stabbed a comically oversized fork into the midget’s eye. The World’s Fattest Man, a close friend of the midget, rolled his four-ton body onto the dwarf in bloody retaliation. The dwarf’s body has yet to be excavated.
This instigated the World’s Angriest Man to bash various other world record holders (among them the World’s Blindest Man) with the World’s Most Dangerous Wiffle Bat while the World’s Saddest Man sat in a corner and cried. To end this pointless massacre, the one-eyed man managed to stab the angriest man despite lacking depth perception. Meanwhile, the no-eyed man tried to help his visually impaired brother but ended up beating the life out of an unsuspecting and non-world record-holding shrub.
Top Ten Classes No Longer Taught at Cal
- African American Studies 11/Latin American Studies 9 (cross-listed): Why You’re Too Lazy to Steal
- Comparative Literature 2: Chaucer’s Revenge
- Physics 142C: The Physics of Cum Trajectory
- Landscape Architecture 39H: You Don’t Have to Take My Word for It, You KNOW You’re Gay
- Women’s Studies 39H: You’re Gay
- Molecular Cell Biology 62: Drugs and the Brain and More Drugs and Dude I Am So High Right Now I Can Fucking See Through Walls
- Asian American Studies 103B: Little, Yellow, Not So Different
- L&S 14: Nap Time
- Peace and Conflict Studies 8: My God, You Are Such a Pussy
- Education 16AC: Fulfilling the American Cultures Requirement
Top Ten Misogynistic Rock Songs
- You Are the Walrus
- [Four minutes of Ike Turner rambling incoherently]
- Roxanne (or Whatever Your Name Was)
- Don’t Fear the Reaper, Fear Your Husband
- D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T
- Baby, You Can’t Drive My Car (No, Really, You Can’t)
- Black Eye of the Tiger Who Talked Back
- Hey, Hey, You, You, Get Into My Trunk
- She Works Hard for the Money (But Earns Only 70%)
- Fat Bottomed Girls (Are Unacceptable)
