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The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 14- Issue 3

Jim Caviezel Asks for It

November 1, 2004
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According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers’ upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, is looking forward to being the only actor in Hollywood to have portrayed both Jesus and Superman in the span of a career.

“My dick is SO HUGE!” said Caviezel. “I mean…it’s like…okay, you know those big oil drums?”

However, some critics say that Caviezel, who was struck by lightning twice while playing the Son of God, is just asking for trouble in playing the Last Son of Krypton as well. “George Reeves played Superman GAA a hero impervious to bullets GAA in the 1952 television series, and he was shot to death,” said film historian Leonard Maltin. “And after Christopher Reeve played Superman GAA a hero impervious to horse-fall-induced spinal cord injuries GAA he died of a heart attack. Jim’s basically saying, ‘Hey Fate! Wanna do something really fucking ironic?'”

Maltin predicts that Caviezel will either be crucified by a speeding bullet but live forever, fall off a tall building and drown in a pool of water that used to be wine, or be crushed by a locomotive more powerful than he after eating five thousand poor people.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Top Ten Children’s Stories Written by STD Prevention Groups

November 1, 2004
  1. The Little Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe and Had Pubic Lice
  2. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Smells Like Fish
  3. Where the Wild Things Are: Your Crotch
  4. The HIV-giving Tree
  5. Herp on Pop
  6. Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and the Three Bears They Slept with, and the Three Bears They Slept With
  7. Little Red Pus-covered Clitoral Hood
  8. Beauty and the Yeast
  9. The Lion, the Witch, and the Warts
  10. Little Miss Muff Full of Chunks
Volume 14- Issue 3

Closeted Student Plots Homoerotic Shaming

November 1, 2004
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Eric Hill, a gay Berkeley freshman, is planning to pretend to pass out at a fraternity party in the hope that he will be teabagged.

Fraternity members are infamous for pranking people who pass out from alcohol intoxication by doing something degrading to them, usually of a homosexual nature. Conveniently, Hill loves the taste of scrotum.

Hill’s last attempt at getting some nuts in his mouth ended in failure. He was left with nothing but a crude penis drawn on his face with a Sharpie, a mocking testament to his failure.

Volume 14- Issue 3

Dog Analogous to Capitalism

November 1, 2004
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Local dog Fido Proletariat achieved the dream of dogs and men alike yesterday, managing to catch his own tail for the first time after years of effort. Upon initially biting the tail, Fido growled with intense satisfaction and ground the appendage in his teeth as if to broadcast his domination to the whole of the earth.

As time went on, Fido barked confusedly, finding the euphoria of victory short-lived, and was ultimately left with only a hollow and lifeless mass within his own soul where the love of the chase had once resided.

He then spent several minutes barking ironically, then surreptitiously, and finally meretriciously and with great anger. It was at this point that Fido realized the moral bankruptcy inherent in capitalism’s struggle for material goods, and demonstrated his newfound hatred for bourgeois values by rolling around on a carpet and taking a crap.

Volume 14- Issue 3

From the Desk of Michael Spaden III

November 1, 2004
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Dear Heirs and Heiresses,

Thank you for coming to the reading of my will. My lawyer, Bill Edmonds, will be conducting the reading, and is legally obliged to read every word. Since I never liked Bill: shitsucker! I, Bill Edmonds, suck my own nipples! Jshsdnfw8sdffs!

I am unaware as to how I have died. If all has gone according to plan, I died in church, along with hundreds of other parishioners and much of the surrounding neighborhood. I hope to enter heaven in the ensuing confusion. If this fails and I cling to life, I intend to blow myself up after collecting all my family, creditors, and friends into a single room. If this is the case: go ahead and push the button, Bill.

No doubt you are wondering who will receive my $50 million fortune. I won’t leave you in suspense. I am leaving my entire fortune to Bill Edmonds…is a faggy fag. Ha ha! Suck it again, Edmonds! No, in fact my fortune will be left to whoever can multiply 34 by 98 the fastest. Go!

The answer is indeed 3,332. No doubt it’s my nerdy brother who answered first. Richard, you do not receive my money. You receive my collection of rare poisons and expensive wines. Unfortunately, you do not receive the labels. Please leave in the next few minutes or you will also receive my scary ghost collection.

On the subject of my funeral. I like the idea of a viking funeral: a longboat set on fire and pushed down the river. I would also like to be simultaneously cryogenically frozen. Get a shitload of priests for the ceremony, too. Have them fight it out. The winner probably has the right god. I’ve always been partial to Methodists, so slip him a blackjack and a wink. There should also be a choir of golden-voiced eunuchs, freshly gelded only.

My funeral should not be a sad affair. Smiles, all the time! Cameras will be monitoring! And wear clown suits! Smiles even when you’re eating the stuffed canapes, which are stuffed with chili powder and my ashes. I would like the priest to read from the Book of Genesis, only with my name inserted for God. Please applaud at appropriate points. And everyone better give my rotting corpse a big fat kiss, if they want a shot at the Picassos I haven’t already used as toilet paper.

In reality, my vast fortune will go to whoever completes a long series of mental and physical tests, each designed to everyone raise their hand now! Last one up has to leave! Now switch seats, touch your toes, jumping jacks, touch your nose! Last five to finish, leave. However, you all have the option of receiving a pound of solid gold GAA solid gold cast in the shape of violent child pornography. Your call.

A few specific bequests: to my wife, Linda, all the money you want, provided that all the implants I paid for are buried with me. They’re mine. To each of my feuding sons, Harold and Gerald, I bequeath half of a check for fifteen million dollars. However, they are not halves to each other. To Bill, a video of me doing either a very well-made-up actress or his wife. Who is it, Bill, who is it?

The rest of my fabulous fortune I leave to my beloved friend. He or she will know who he or she is, and can claim the fortune as his or her own.

Thank you, and Bill bones dogs,

Michael Spaden III
11/15/04

Volume 14- Issue 3

Squelch Endorsements of the Future

November 1, 2004

After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda of the future._

Year: 2006

Proposition 104: Fair Share for Indians GAA YES

This bill is that one what gives them lousy red-faced dice-rolling firewater drinkers a fair share of my fist.

Year: 2008

Proposition 35: Extend Sports Metaphors Further Into the Criminal Justice System GAA YES

This will extend the Three Strikes law into other areas, creating the infield fly rule for corporate governance, the hat-trick rule for abortion rights, and the 40-love rule for stem cell harvesting.

Year: 2010

Proposition 94: Re-re-re-re-re-legalize Gay Marriage GAA YES

We feel that gay citizens should enjoy the same legal rights and protections as their straight counterparts, at least for the 36 hours before this proposition is overturned.

Year: 2012

Proposition 228B: Indecent Proposition GAA NO, to save our relationship.

California needed the money, but how low would the state go to get it? He said it would be for one night only. He said he’d never come back.

He lied.

Year: 2014

Proposition 45: Stop Using Humans to Cure Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: 2016

Proposition 36: Outlaw Gaelic Marriage GAA YES

The Jesus-thumping conservatives might have gone a little too far on this one, but who are we to put them in their place?

Year: 2020

Proposition 79: Stop Resurrecting Reagan with Stem Cells GAA NO

Year: Jesus2 + 3

Proposition 117: Allocate $48 Billion to Treat Victims of Cell Phone Cancer GAA YES

Volume 14- Issue 3

European Geography Clarified

November 1, 2004
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At a formal European Council meeting yesterday, Sweden and Switzerland confirmed what many Americans have long suspected: they’re both really the same country.

For years Europeans had scoffed at Americans who confused the always-neutral Swiss with the oft-noncombatant Swedes, but now apathetic American teenagers with poor spatial geography skills will have the last laugh.

Asked to comment, one such teen remarked, “What? Where are you?”

Volume 14- Issue 3

Top Ten Gay Viking Leisure Activities

November 1, 2004
  1. Thor
  2. Marrying, contrary to Thor’s wishes
  3. Having oral sex with a guy
  4. Dressing up as Viqueens
  5. Designing new window treatments for Valhalla
  6. Swilling mug of Appletini
  7. Spelling names “Erik” and “Leif”
  8. Pillaging little decorative animal sculptures
  9. Raping women for sport, not pleasure
  10. Coming before Columbus