Latest Issue
Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 15- Issue 3

Silver Lining Those Clouds of Death

November 1, 2005
, ,

Your mother’s dead. Sorry, I didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that. Regardless, here are some tips for giving bad news so that next time her death won’t be such a buzz-kill.

_Tip #1:

Make it into a game._
Father: I hope you been having a good birthday son, I know you always wanted to be an actor, so I have a great surprise for you.
Timmy: Really? What is it?
Father: Our whole family is going to be in a film!
Timmy: We are!! Oh boy!
Father: The plot is as follows: your mother and I are going to get a divorce because you are a selfish little brat that has ruined our love life. The movie should take about twenty years to film or until you kill yourself, which ever comes first. It starts…now!
Timmy: [wide-eyed] Bu-but I don’t see any cameras.
Father: ACTION!

_Tip #2:

Talk about a related topic._
Fred: So I get to meet Magic Johnson after the game right?
Father: Oh yeah, for sure. I called Magic last night. It’s all worked out.
Fred: Yippy!! I’m going to shake his hand and get his autograph and…
Father: Your mother and I have AIDS.

_Tip #3:

Deliver the news when they feel sorry for you._
Jimmy: Dad…this bone marrow transplant procedure…I’m really nervous. You know I heard that it is kind of dangerous.
Father: You know son, you don’t have to do the transplant procedure for me anymore.
Jimmy: I don’t! [face brightens] You mean they found another donor?
Father: No son, you’re adopted.

_Tip #4:

Tell them they won something._
Dr. Stern: Congratulations Sarah, you have won 120,000 dollars to be paid over a period of four years.
Sarah: What?? Who is this? 120,000 dollars! How did I get that?
Dr. Stern: By not getting into Harvard Medical School.
Sarah: But wait, that means–

[Dr. Stern hangs up]

_Tip #5:

Give them hints of the bad news in the form of presents._
Father: Happy Birthday Lisa! Eight years old…wow! Come on and open your presents.
Lisa: Yippy!! [Tears open first present] Cool! It’s a ball of superman’s hair!
Father: No Lisa, that’s a wig. Open this one.
Lisa: [tears open next present] Wow, cool! A bunch of dishes filled with paint. I’m going to draw a dino-doggy!
Father: Actually, that’s some of your father’s platelets. You might want to put that somewhere cold.
Lisa: Oh…well, I’m going to open this one. [Tears open last present] A t-shirt! What does it say?
Father: Well…it says, “Leukemia: it will really grow on you.”
Lisa: What does that mean?
Father: It means you better grab a jacket because we’re going to go see Dr. Bernstein. He’s going to be injecting you with more birthday presents.

Volume 15- Issue 3

Top Fifteen Signs Your Wife is Cheating on You with a Horse

November 1, 2005
  1. You married a slutty horse
  2. Hideous centaur children
  3. Douches with molasses, apples and salt
  4. Find the words “Mrs. Ed” written lovingly all over her day-planner
  5. Everytime you answer the phone, hear 4 minutes of a horse trying to hang up a phone with its teeth
  6. Gets confused in the morning and tries to nail your shoes to your feet
  7. Don’t remember being able to fit your entire foot in her vagina
  8. The very first time you can’t get it up, she tries to get a veterinarian to come out and shoot you in the head
  9. Complains you aren’t capable of meeting her emotional needs or dragging a plow
  10. For Halloween went as the front end of a horse, but the back end of the horse had a head and was fucking her
  11. She no longer freaks out when you take a crap right in the middle of
  12. Has taken to yelling, “Of course, of course!” at her moment of climax.
  13. Always comes home with hay in her hair . . . and horse semen
  14. Keeps making up new positions like “bare back”
  15. Her panties are often inexplicably filled with oats
Volume 15- Issue 3

Which Is More Useful: A Female vs. a 16th Century Map

November 1, 2005
,

We’ve all heard the old Bible verse: “Women are about as useful as a sixteenth-century map.” Let’s use science to figure out which one is better.

Map: When used with a sextet, could roughly predict direction for ships to sail during oceanic voyages (assuming polestar is visible)
Female: Uses sextet to plot days of inexplicable crying
Winner: MAP

Map: When rolled up, can be used for passable intercourse
Female: Intercourse is for transmuting fun into angry babies
Winner: MAP

Map: Early cartographic methods underestimated size of temperate latitude land masses
Female: Always gaining more weight, even when they think we don’t realize it. We do.
Winner: MAP

Map: Will give you directions to where you’re going
Female: Cries when she catches you trying to have sex with Map
Winner: MAP

Map: Were carefully preserved and never folded due to cost of creation
Female: Improperly folds my shirts
Winner: MAP

Map: Can be rolled up and placed into a tube
Female: Can be placed in a tube, messily
Winner: MAP

Map: Can’t cook or clean
Female: Can’t cook or clean either, but still more emotionally available than Map.

Someday, Map. Someday.
Winner: TIE

Volume 15- Issue 3

KJNK 104.2 FM

For Junkies, By Junkies

November 1, 2005
, ,

The Morning Show, with hosts Johnny Five and the Crazy Horse

Host: Hey, welcome to the morning show. Time right now is 6:32 pm.
Crazy Horse: They call me the Crazy Horse because I’m crazy about… wait, what?
Host: [sleeping]

Afternoon All Music Block

Host: And that was Velvet Underground’s “I’m Waiting for the Man,” played four times in a row. Next up, I’m going to lay on the floor for twenty minutes while the record player just keeps spinning in silence.

Drive Time Traffic Report

Host: It’s 11:45 pm and the streets are literally jam-packed with people driving to go get more H. What’s the traffic like Tina?
Tina the Traffic Slut: There’s a four-car wait at the Tenth and B alley, and expect a fifteen minute delay when buying at Gus’s apartment. Expect some vomit in front of his refrigerator. [Pause] I had a black baby last week.
Host: Four in one month isn’t bad, Tina.

Prize Giveaways

Host: Ok, we’re at the bottom of the hour and it’s time for some prize giveaways. What do have for our listeners today Jim? Jim? Oh Jim’s not in yet. He was supposed to bring a kilo of Hey Rey for the giveaway. Oh well, first caller gets it when he arrives. Let’s go to that caller right now.
Caller Number One: Hey, this is Jim. OOOOOOH that feels so good. AAAh, I’m going to be a little late todaaaaaaaaay. [Rubber band snapping noises] Oh my Christ I’m in heaven. Could you play Iggy Pop’s “The Passenger”? I’m going to overdose in my living room. Pick me up from the Saint Mark’s Hospital in an hour.

Question And Answer Hour

Host: You’re listening to KJNK 104.2. It’s time to field some of your questions. Let’s go to Tom in his Dad’s broken down warehouse near the train tracks. Tom.
Tom: Yeah, great show by the way, I’ve been trying to stab myself in the heart for the last couple of minutes but keep missing. Any suggestions?
Host: Yeah, the best way to do this mark your chest with a black X, stand in front of a mirror, and take dead aim.
Tom: Thanks I’ll try tha…ooooooh.
Host: I think he got it. Let’s go to Gary in ‘I don’t know where the fuck I am’. Gary.
Gary: Ah, yeah, I was wondering where the fuck I am right now.
Host: Are you by a road?
Gary: Road?
Host: Go to the nearest corner, flag an old person to the side of the road, jump them, steal their car and do more heroin inside it.

Volume 15- Issue 3

Top Twenty Top Ten Lists Containing the Entry “Laser Penis”

November 1, 2005
  1. Top Ten Signs Your Lasik Surgery has Gone Horribly Wrong
  2. Top Ten Ways to the Annoy Host at the Adult Video Awards
  3. Top Ten Best or Worst Sexually Transmitted Diseases
  4. Top Ten Words to Follow the Phrase “Go-Go Gadget”
  5. Top Ten Signs Your Dog is Really Optimus Prime
  6. Top Ten Reasons You’re Carrying a Lot of Batteries
  7. Top Ten Items to Help You Point Down and to the Left a Lot
  8. Top Ten Ways to Burn Your Hands During Masturbation
  9. Top Ten Causes for Cervical Cancer
  10. Top Ten Cures for Cervical Cancer
  11. Top Ten Secret Frat Party Passwords
  12. Top Ten Legitimate Reasons for Abstinence
  13. Top Ten Reasons It Sucks to be Jean Grey
  14. Top Ten Ways to Make Sure You Don’t Miss
  15. Top Ten Ways to Accessorize Your Laser Balls
  16. Top Ten Tragic Results of Humping Your Laser Printer
  17. Top Ten Worst Toothbrush Ideas
  18. Top Ten Things You Would Use for a Hook if You Lost Your Hand
  19. Top Ten Best Things to Put on a Snowman
  20. Top Ten Reasons to Buy a Laser-Proof Condom
Volume 15- Issue 3

The Many Lives of That Douche

November 1, 2005
,

Everyone who’s taken a humanities class knows That Douche. He’s the budding Rousseau in the front row who raises his hand in lecture to spout delightfully insipid pseudo-intellectual drivel. He’s so vociferous with his impromptu philosophizing that we all recognize him in class, but what does That Douche do with the REST of his life??

That Douche at a Sorority Invitational

Douche: Excuse me, but the way you’re shaking your posterior to Lil’ Jon is reminiscent of the disjointed, yet beautifully freeflowing style of James Joyce’s prose.
Girl: What!?!
Douche: I mean only to suggest that, like Locke’s Treatise on the Rights of Man, your ass could stand unmarred by centuries of criticism.
Girl: You’re a loser.
Douche: I have cocaine…

[they leave together]

On the Set of a Porno Film

Director: So what do you say?
Douche: Well, this reinforces many traditional gender roles, and it must also be noted that Mr. Hungwell’s portrayal of the cable repairman was sub-convincing at best. It’s reminiscent of Hegel’s theory of the super man to suggest, even symbolically, as you did, that it is the protagonist’s right and obligation to blow his load on the faces of all other actors.
Director: [Handing Douche a role of paper towels] Listen asshole, I didn’t hire you for your sociology degree. Go de-jizz Leshonda.

At the Doctor

Douche: Doc, I have a dull pain in my knee that lingers subtly, yet undeniably, after any physical activity, not unlike the way Martin Van Buren’s economic policy lingered in its ramifications long after the 1840s.
Doctor: I’ll prescribe you some Vicodin.
Douche: But will this solve the problem? I mean, there are systemic issues here that won’t be solved; drastic overhaul is necessary in a broader sense.
Doctor: Dude, I’m not a real doctor, and the script says you should be sucking my dick by now.

At Macy’s

Douche: Excuse me, sir, I’m looking for something in a stupid hat.

During a Bank Robbery

Robber: This is a robbery! Everyone put your fucking hands up or I’ll blow your fucking heads off! Now! NOW!
TD: Excuse me, my hand is already up. In fact it’s been up for quite some time.
Robber: Wait, what?
TD: [cough] Ehem [That Douche shakes his upraised hand]

Robber: Yes?
TD: It’s clear from the black and red coloring of your mask that you represent the fall of the Latino as America’s minority of choice, heralding in a new psycho-imperialist adoption of the continental Asian as the idealized working minority in the eyes of bourgeoisie neo-fascist America. Furthermore–

[Robber shoots That Douche 7 times in the face. He still manages to show up to every linguistics class for the next week.]

Volume 15- Issue 3

Words From the Top

Berkeley Speaks Out

November 1, 2005
, , ,

“There is a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can’t take part; you can’t even passively take part, and you’ve got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you’ve got to make it stop.”
-Mario Savio, 1964

The current crop of crap expelled by the intellectually sterile Hollywood system is an offensive tumor on the grey matter of the American consciousness. In ABC’s Commander-in-Chief, Geena Davis portrays the President of the United States. This is wrong, and we’re here to say it’s wrong.

We don’t want to live in a country where a pretend woman can even imagine being the President. Our fathers didn’t spend twenty-two months in a bamboo cage, stealing rats for milk, just so some redheaded, herbal-essenced suffragette could storm into the fake White House and pretend to wear a pair of pants.

We are personally offended. Why not just tear that purple heart right off our chests? What’s next? A horse for President? Siblings who have sex for President? Where does it end? What happens when the fictional Joint Chiefs are expecting important fictional military orders, and President Easy Bake Oven is too busy having her fictional period to commit ground forces to Serbo-Croatia? We’ll tell you what happens: fictional Croatians die.

Now don’t get us wrong. We have plenty of respect for all things woman. But if the Koran has taught us anything, it’s that “verily, a […] woman [cannot be a television president].”

This whole “not-real female President” thing may play well with a few nutjobs in “New York City,” but in our fictional America, the America of Jed Bartlett, David Palmer, Gene Hackman in Absolute Power, and to a lesser extent Bill Pullman, the President always wears a tie. Except when he’s wearing a sweatshirt from the college which he fictionally attended. Can a fictional woman wear a tie? Not unless she’s Annie Hall. Can a fictional woman go to college? Not unless she’s Annie Hall. Can a fictional woman touch our hearts with an intoxicating mixture of maternal care, genuine love, and absolute craziness? Vote Annie Hall, 2008.

Volume 15- Issue 3

Top Fifteen Slightly Less Dangerous Things

November 1, 2005
  1. Throwing a really hard penny off the top of a model of the Empire State Building
  2. Lite-brite saber
  3. Syphil-them
  4. Prison consensual sex
  5. Single Sclerosis
  6. NRA: National Ruffle Association
  7. The Heck’s Angels
  8. Black guy in cage
  9. Bungie walking
  10. Drinking a gallon of milk in a day
  11. Regional warming
  12. Appendix cancer
  13. Ketchup gas
  14. A.I.D.
  15. An AK-46
Volume 15- Issue 3

Justice League Cybersex

November 1, 2005
,

UnderTheSea : Hot4Tuna69 – Instant Message

Hot4Tuna69: hi 😉
UndrTheSea: Hi! a/s/l?
Hot4Tuna69: 18/f/metropolis 😉 u?
UndrTheSea: Um, kind of complicated, but I’m a young guy in Metropolis too! Have a pic?
Hot4Tuna69: sure here u go 🙂
UndrTheSea: Holy moly! You’re a knockout!
Hot4Tuna69: oh thanks 😉 but i am all by myself tonight. 🙁
UndrTheSea: Really? So am I! Which is, uh, really rare for me. Wayyyy rare.
Hot4Tuna69:o no! well maybe u could come over
UndrTheSea: Seriously?? I mean, yeah, I could do that. Chicks ask me to all the time.
Hot4Tuna69: u could come over and make me a woman, how does that sound
UndrTheSea: Oh wow! Yeah! I’ll be right there!
Hot4Tuna69:: make me a hot mermaid woman
UndrTheSea: …mermaid?
Hot4Tuna69: my fin is so hot 4 u
UndrTheSea: …
Hot4Tuna69: i am covering myself in tartar sauce
UndrTheSea: …This is Superman, isn’t it?
Hot4Tuna69: HAHAHAHA! OWNED!!! KRYPTON RULZ!!!

  • Hot4Tuna69 has signed off.

CapdCrusdr : GothamUGrrl – Instant Message

CapdCrusdr: hey there
GothamUGrrl: o hi 🙂
CapdCrusdr: you go to the university huh
GothamUGrrl: yeah! i love it here, but i wish i was meeting more guys 🙁
CapdCrusdr: maybe sometime you and i could “meet” maybe in my cave. er, bedroom
GothamUGrrl: oooh rly? what would we do? 😀
CapdCrusdr: i’d start off by massaging your feet
GothamUGrrl: that’s hot, i luv that, what else
CapdCrusdr: then i’d slowly peel off your pretty green tights
GothamUGrrl: my what
CapdCrusdr: and stroke your long boyish legs with my fingertips
GothamUGrrl: wait go back a second
CapdCrusdr: i’d take off your utility belt, slowly, and try it on for you
GothamUGrrl: i don’t have a utility belt
CapdCrusdr: then i’d tear off your red shirt and lick all over your hairless chest
GothamUGrrl: ok this is more like it, sort of
CapdCrusdr: and then i’d flip you onto your stomach and spank your firm ass with your own utility belt
GothamUGrrl: ooh kinky!
CapdCrusdr: and shout “you’ve been a BAD sidekick, haven’t you?”
GothamUGrrl: um
CapdCrusdr: take off my cowl, i want you to look into my eyes when i batspunk on your handsome features
GothamUGrrl: god why is everyone in this town such a fucking weirdo
CapdCrusdr: nnnnngh oh fuck i’m cumming I AM THE NIGHT

  • GothamUGrrl has signed off.

MetroChik4675 : FastrThanLight212 – Instant Message

FastrThanLight212 (7:07:32 PM): hey sexy
MetroChik4675 (7:07:47 PM): hi 🙂
FastrThanLight212 (7:07:48 PM): looking for some cyber?
MetroChik4675 (7:08:03 PM): oooh ok 😀 but i should tell you something first
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:04 PM): shhhh tell me later
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:05 PM): i’m slowly taking off your blouse
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:06 PM): mmm yeah nice tits
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:07 PM): yeah you want this cock don’t you
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:08 PM): ohhhfuckkk cummmming
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:09 PM): shit want some more huh, you’re a dirty girl
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:10 PM): yeah you like that don’t you, you slut
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:11 PM): OHHHhfucklksdf;lsj
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:12 PM): god damn that was nice, i came so hard
MetroChik4675 (7:08:13 PM): wait
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:14 PM): no time for that i’m hard again you want this dick
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:15 PM): mmmm yeah so tight
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:16 PM): fuckfuckfuckfckhgccummmmmming
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:17 PM): shit, so good, ok baby i’ll see you l8r

  • FastrThanLight212 has signed off.
    MetroChik4675 (7:08:25 PM): i’m a guy