Silver Lining Those Clouds of Death

November 1, 2005

Your mother’s dead. Sorry, I didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that. Regardless, here are some tips for giving bad news so that next time her death won’t be such a buzz-kill.

_Tip #1:

Make it into a game._
Father: I hope you been having a good birthday son, I know you always wanted to be an actor, so I have a great surprise for you.
Timmy: Really? What is it?
Father: Our whole family is going to be in a film!
Timmy: We are!! Oh boy!
Father: The plot is as follows: your mother and I are going to get a divorce because you are a selfish little brat that has ruined our love life. The movie should take about twenty years to film or until you kill yourself, which ever comes first. It starts…now!
Timmy: [wide-eyed] Bu-but I don’t see any cameras.
Father: ACTION!

_Tip #2:

Talk about a related topic._
Fred: So I get to meet Magic Johnson after the game right?
Father: Oh yeah, for sure. I called Magic last night. It’s all worked out.
Fred: Yippy!! I’m going to shake his hand and get his autograph and…
Father: Your mother and I have AIDS.

_Tip #3:

Deliver the news when they feel sorry for you._
Jimmy: Dad…this bone marrow transplant procedure…I’m really nervous. You know I heard that it is kind of dangerous.
Father: You know son, you don’t have to do the transplant procedure for me anymore.
Jimmy: I don’t! [face brightens] You mean they found another donor?
Father: No son, you’re adopted.

_Tip #4:

Tell them they won something._
Dr. Stern: Congratulations Sarah, you have won 120,000 dollars to be paid over a period of four years.
Sarah: What?? Who is this? 120,000 dollars! How did I get that?
Dr. Stern: By not getting into Harvard Medical School.
Sarah: But wait, that means–

[Dr. Stern hangs up]

_Tip #5:

Give them hints of the bad news in the form of presents._
Father: Happy Birthday Lisa! Eight years old…wow! Come on and open your presents.
Lisa: Yippy!! [Tears open first present] Cool! It’s a ball of superman’s hair!
Father: No Lisa, that’s a wig. Open this one.
Lisa: [tears open next present] Wow, cool! A bunch of dishes filled with paint. I’m going to draw a dino-doggy!
Father: Actually, that’s some of your father’s platelets. You might want to put that somewhere cold.
Lisa: Oh…well, I’m going to open this one. [Tears open last present] A t-shirt! What does it say?
Father: Well…it says, “Leukemia: it will really grow on you.”
Lisa: What does that mean?
Father: It means you better grab a jacket because we’re going to go see Dr. Bernstein. He’s going to be injecting you with more birthday presents.

Volume 15- Issue 3

Top Ten Signs Your Tech Support is a Dominatrix

November 1, 2005

top ten

Hard to give service number while wearing ball gag
You ask to speak to her supervisor and she digs her heel into your scrotum
A lot of instructions involve pouring hot wax on yourself
Tells you to bend over and gives you RAM
The way she pronounces hard drive
Asks you if the printer is plugged in then shits on your chest
Isn’t Indian
Claims computer lacks discipline
Asks you to call her Mistress Susan because Mistress Siddhangana is too hard to pronounce
Calls ctrl-alt-del the safety word

Volume 15- Issue 3

Top Fifteen Slightly Less Dangerous Things

November 1, 2005

top ten

Throwing a really hard penny off the top of a model of the Empire State Building
Lite-brite saber
Syphil-them
Prison consensual sex
Single Sclerosis
NRA: National Ruffle Association
The Heck’s Angels
Black guy in cage
Bungie walking
Drinking a gallon of milk in a day
Regional warming
Appendix cancer
Ketchup gas
A.I.D.
An AK-46

Volume 15- Issue 3

How I Met My Identical Twin Brother

November 1, 2005

Daniel Brady, feature

Most people think that finding a long lost twin would be really cool. But then again most people are complete fucking idiots. Case in point, Mormons.

At My Doorstep

Me: [opens door] Oh my God! You…you look just like me! I can’t believe it!
Him: I’m your long lost twin!
Me: [in awe] Wow…we have the exact same hair and eyes! Quick, what’s your favorite movie?
Him: City of God.
Me: Mine too!
Him: Wow! Amazing! And your high school GPA?
Me: 3.88.
Him: [nodding emphatically] Mine also!
Me: I can’t believe this! We are exactly ali–
Him: And I have a fourteen inch cock!
Me: …

Playing Rock, Paper, Scissors

Him: [waving hand] Okay, on the count of three. One, two, three.
Me: Rock! Him: Rock!
Together: Damn it!
Me: Okay, okay, the current score is 0-0-2,567. Next one wins. One, two, three!
Together: Rock!
Him: How about this…let’s be able to choose any object in the world. Any object. We’ll decide who wins afterward. Deal?
Me: Deal. One…two…three.
Him: Roc- Me: Rock! Fuck!

At a Job Interview

Me: So you see, I have a lot of filing experience.
Interviewer: And what makes you think that I would suddenly give you the job if you came back later in the day with a different name?
Me: What? Oh…but that’s my identical twin you see, he must have circled the same job opening as me.
Interviewer: Then why are you wearing a fake mustache?

Meeting My Girlfriend

Me: [walks into room] Oh my God! You’re not fucking me, that’s my twin brother!
My Girlfriend: uhh [groaning]…yeah [groaning]…I know [groaning]…
Me: [sobbing] some anniversary this is.

We Finally Get A Job Together…on Days of Our Lives

Father: I fear I may not be here for much longer…
Me: Oh dad, you can’t leave me now!
Father: It’s okay Eric; you’ll inherit all of my wealth soon.
[Cue in organ music, man with eye patch enters]
Him: We’ll see about that…father.
Me: My evil twin brother and arch-nemesis, Brian! But I thought you died in an off-screen car crash!
Him: Ohh but I did. I did. Muwhahaha!
[More organ music]
Him: …Muwhahaha!

Volume 15- Issue 3

KJNK 104.2 FM

For Junkies, By Junkies

November 1, 2005

Danny Marshall, feature, Matt Loker

The Morning Show, with hosts Johnny Five and the Crazy Horse

Host: Hey, welcome to the morning show. Time right now is 6:32 pm.
Crazy Horse: They call me the Crazy Horse because I’m crazy about… wait, what?
Host: [sleeping]

Afternoon All Music Block

Host: And that was Velvet Underground’s “I’m Waiting for the Man,” played four times in a row. Next up, I’m going to lay on the floor for twenty minutes while the record player just keeps spinning in silence.

Drive Time Traffic Report

Host: It’s 11:45 pm and the streets are literally jam-packed with people driving to go get more H. What’s the traffic like Tina?
Tina the Traffic Slut: There’s a four-car wait at the Tenth and B alley, and expect a fifteen minute delay when buying at Gus’s apartment. Expect some vomit in front of his refrigerator. [Pause] I had a black baby last week.
Host: Four in one month isn’t bad, Tina.

Prize Giveaways

Host: Ok, we’re at the bottom of the hour and it’s time for some prize giveaways. What do have for our listeners today Jim? Jim? Oh Jim’s not in yet. He was supposed to bring a kilo of Hey Rey for the giveaway. Oh well, first caller gets it when he arrives. Let’s go to that caller right now.
Caller Number One: Hey, this is Jim. OOOOOOH that feels so good. AAAh, I’m going to be a little late todaaaaaaaaay. [Rubber band snapping noises] Oh my Christ I’m in heaven. Could you play Iggy Pop’s “The Passenger”? I’m going to overdose in my living room. Pick me up from the Saint Mark’s Hospital in an hour.

Question And Answer Hour

Host: You’re listening to KJNK 104.2. It’s time to field some of your questions. Let’s go to Tom in his Dad’s broken down warehouse near the train tracks. Tom.
Tom: Yeah, great show by the way, I’ve been trying to stab myself in the heart for the last couple of minutes but keep missing. Any suggestions?
Host: Yeah, the best way to do this mark your chest with a black X, stand in front of a mirror, and take dead aim.
Tom: Thanks I’ll try tha…ooooooh.
Host: I think he got it. Let’s go to Gary in ‘I don’t know where the fuck I am’. Gary.
Gary: Ah, yeah, I was wondering where the fuck I am right now.
Host: Are you by a road?
Gary: Road?
Host: Go to the nearest corner, flag an old person to the side of the road, jump them, steal their car and do more heroin inside it.

Volume 15- Issue 3

Being a Rich Student Isn’t all that Easy

November 1, 2005

Danny Marshall, feature

College students are poor…unless you’re me, then you’re really fucking rich. As a student, I too have to deal with problems, but I cope with them in a different, much wealthier way.

Purchasing Textbooks

You: I stayed up all last night searching on-line for the cheapest Economics textbooks. I finally found the international edition for $45.
Me: I stayed up all night searching for the most expensive Economics textbook and finally purchased the Instructors Editions for $1,876 a month. In this edition, one of the authors teaches me the material while the other two blow me. Learning is so much more interesting when smart people are blowing me.

Dealing with the Stresses of School

You: I can’t believe I got a ‘C’ on my midterm. I’ll never get into law school. I’m going to get a handle of Southern Comfort and drink it ’til I puke.
Me: Another ‘D’!! Shit, if I don’t pass this class I still get to inherit my father’s Fortune 500 Company and become a multi-billionaire. What should I do? Just kidding, pass me that Southern Comfort so I can break it and purchase us some Crown Royal: Special Reserve. Us means me.

Dating

You: Once we finish our dollar noodles from the ‘Ghetto Food Court’, we can go back to my place and watch The Big Lebowski, if I can get my laser discplayer to work that is. Oh God, I need to diarrhea poop.
Me: Once we finish our fivecourse Chez Panisse meal we can go back to my place and have sex on my bed made entirely out of original Van Gogh and Picasso paintings. Hopefully the construction workers have finished putting the extra wing on my bed. If not, we’ll have to settle for making love on my collection of cast-members from The Big Lebowski. I hope Steve Buscemi ran away again. He gets kind of ugly when I bring anything home.

Financial Hardships

You: I only have ten bucks for the rest of the week.
Me: I’m out of toilet paper. I’ll have to get another roll of hundreds tomorrow.

Negotiating Around Life-Altering Circumstances

You: I can’t believe I got my girlfriend pregnant. I guess I’ll have to take on a third job to help support the new baby.
Me: Rich people don’t get girls pregnant; they get girls abortions.

Volume 15- Issue 3

Which Is More Useful: A Female vs. a 16th Century Map

November 1, 2005

feature, Matt Loker

We’ve all heard the old Bible verse: “Women are about as useful as a sixteenth-century map.” Let’s use science to figure out which one is better.

Map: When used with a sextet, could roughly predict direction for ships to sail during oceanic voyages (assuming polestar is visible)
Female: Uses sextet to plot days of inexplicable crying
Winner: MAP

Map: When rolled up, can be used for passable intercourse
Female: Intercourse is for transmuting fun into angry babies
Winner: MAP

Map: Early cartographic methods underestimated size of temperate latitude land masses
Female: Always gaining more weight, even when they think we don’t realize it. We do.
Winner: MAP

Map: Will give you directions to where you’re going
Female: Cries when she catches you trying to have sex with Map
Winner: MAP

Map: Were carefully preserved and never folded due to cost of creation
Female: Improperly folds my shirts
Winner: MAP

Map: Can be rolled up and placed into a tube
Female: Can be placed in a tube, messily
Winner: MAP

Map: Can’t cook or clean
Female: Can’t cook or clean either, but still more emotionally available than Map.

Someday, Map. Someday.
Winner: TIE

Volume 15- Issue 3

Justice League Cybersex

November 1, 2005

feature, John O'Connor

UnderTheSea : Hot4Tuna69 – Instant Message

Hot4Tuna69: hi 😉
UndrTheSea: Hi! a/s/l?
Hot4Tuna69: 18/f/metropolis 😉 u?
UndrTheSea: Um, kind of complicated, but I’m a young guy in Metropolis too! Have a pic?
Hot4Tuna69: sure here u go 🙂
UndrTheSea: Holy moly! You’re a knockout!
Hot4Tuna69: oh thanks 😉 but i am all by myself tonight. 🙁
UndrTheSea: Really? So am I! Which is, uh, really rare for me. Wayyyy rare.
Hot4Tuna69:o no! well maybe u could come over
UndrTheSea: Seriously?? I mean, yeah, I could do that. Chicks ask me to all the time.
Hot4Tuna69: u could come over and make me a woman, how does that sound
UndrTheSea: Oh wow! Yeah! I’ll be right there!
Hot4Tuna69:: make me a hot mermaid woman
UndrTheSea: …mermaid?
Hot4Tuna69: my fin is so hot 4 u
UndrTheSea: …
Hot4Tuna69: i am covering myself in tartar sauce
UndrTheSea: …This is Superman, isn’t it?
Hot4Tuna69: HAHAHAHA! OWNED!!! KRYPTON RULZ!!!

Hot4Tuna69 has signed off.

CapdCrusdr : GothamUGrrl – Instant Message

CapdCrusdr: hey there
GothamUGrrl: o hi 🙂
CapdCrusdr: you go to the university huh
GothamUGrrl: yeah! i love it here, but i wish i was meeting more guys 🙁
CapdCrusdr: maybe sometime you and i could “meet” maybe in my cave. er, bedroom
GothamUGrrl: oooh rly? what would we do? 😀
CapdCrusdr: i’d start off by massaging your feet
GothamUGrrl: that’s hot, i luv that, what else
CapdCrusdr: then i’d slowly peel off your pretty green tights
GothamUGrrl: my what
CapdCrusdr: and stroke your long boyish legs with my fingertips
GothamUGrrl: wait go back a second
CapdCrusdr: i’d take off your utility belt, slowly, and try it on for you
GothamUGrrl: i don’t have a utility belt
CapdCrusdr: then i’d tear off your red shirt and lick all over your hairless chest
GothamUGrrl: ok this is more like it, sort of
CapdCrusdr: and then i’d flip you onto your stomach and spank your firm ass with your own utility belt
GothamUGrrl: ooh kinky!
CapdCrusdr: and shout “you’ve been a BAD sidekick, haven’t you?”
GothamUGrrl: um
CapdCrusdr: take off my cowl, i want you to look into my eyes when i batspunk on your handsome features
GothamUGrrl: god why is everyone in this town such a fucking weirdo
CapdCrusdr: nnnnngh oh fuck i’m cumming I AM THE NIGHT

GothamUGrrl has signed off.

MetroChik4675 : FastrThanLight212 – Instant Message

FastrThanLight212 (7:07:32 PM): hey sexy
MetroChik4675 (7:07:47 PM): hi 🙂
FastrThanLight212 (7:07:48 PM): looking for some cyber?
MetroChik4675 (7:08:03 PM): oooh ok 😀 but i should tell you something first
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:04 PM): shhhh tell me later
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:05 PM): i’m slowly taking off your blouse
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:06 PM): mmm yeah nice tits
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:07 PM): yeah you want this cock don’t you
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:08 PM): ohhhfuckkk cummmming
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:09 PM): shit want some more huh, you’re a dirty girl
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:10 PM): yeah you like that don’t you, you slut
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:11 PM): OHHHhfucklksdf;lsj
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:12 PM): god damn that was nice, i came so hard
MetroChik4675 (7:08:13 PM): wait
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:14 PM): no time for that i’m hard again you want this dick
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:15 PM): mmmm yeah so tight
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:16 PM): fuckfuckfuckfckhgccummmmmming
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:17 PM): shit, so good, ok baby i’ll see you l8r