Words from the Top

We’re Not Very Lucky

October 1, 2006

Congratulations on obtaining a copy of the Heuristic Squelch. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that by accepting this issue, you too have fallen under the curse of a mysterious Native American shaman. Sorry, our bad. We’d like to explain the origins of the curse but our lawyers have informed us we can’t use the words “shot his daughter” or “were a dick at his wedding” because they might make things worse. Also we may have written this issue in a haunted gypsy graveyard upside down while breaking mirrors made out of black cats. And we raped a leprechaun.

Anyways, during the next week you should expect to be visited in your dreams by several ancient Native American wind spirits. Their names are “Thogwum,” “Cantutu,” and by an extremely bizarre coincidence, “Lara Flynn Boyle.”

The shitty part is they don’t make a lick of sense, and seriously, I’ve been talking to this fucking wolf wind totem fucker for like two months now and not only did he ruin the ending of Fight Club for me, he also gave my girlfriend herpes and then blamed it on me just because I had a similar strain of herpes a few days earlier. Total dick.

Sadly, this curse affects more than just your cinematic enjoyment. Due to a communication snafu with our printer, we mistakenly printed pages 2 through 15 of the magazine on recycled radioactive paper, and every fifth issue contains giant scorpions. Hopefully you got one of the scorpion issues, in which case the scorpions have absorbed most of the radiation and you now need only worry about the scorpions themselves.

In addition, titling our page 14 piece “Come and Get Me You Hopi Motherfucker” may have been unwise. Other people we’ve pissed off include Poseidon, New Line Cinema, and the illegitimate state of palestine.

In conclusion, we’re very sorry.

Volume 16- Issue 2

Top Ten New, Pleasant Job Titles for Criminal Occupations

October 1, 2006

top ten

Hooking Technician
Drug Equestrian
Surprise Valet
Existence-ending Options Specialist
Unexpected Copulation Assistant
Amateur Locksmith
Savings Account Adjuster
Coat Lightener
Italian-American Stereotype Enforcer
Unbulletproofer

Volume 16- Issue 2

High-Brow Erotic Fanfiction

October 1, 2006

David Hollingsworth, feature

“The Battle of Man-Asses”

Author: RebCake20

Source: Ken Burns’ “The Civil War”

[The camera pans out from an aged photograph as a sorrowful and rustic violin plays an old Southern requiem. The photo is of two men with scraggly beards engaged in anal sex]

Narrator: [reading from a letter] “My dearest Lulabelle. I find myself in the most terrible of erogenous conundrums. Last night the fates had transpired that I would take part in an act of illuminating sodomy, an awakening of senses within my soul and loins and posterior. While it happened so that I required the medicinal aid of a shot of whiskey and a stick to bite on, the pain of the initial penetration was nothing compared to the following glory enacted upon my most tender of holes. It will take quite some time and help from divine providence to ascertain my choice between your exquisite kiss, or my tent-mate’s veiny rod.”

–Private First Class Kilbourne S. Noisewater, 1864.

“You Ever Notice?”

Author: RoOnEyFaN86

Source: 60 Minutes

Leslie Stahl’s breath evacuated her lungs immediately as her eyes were drawn towards Andy Rooney’s massive member. “Leslie! What are you doing in my dressing room?” Andy asked, his tone getting more and more coy as the question progressed. Leslie tried to answer him, but was temporarily hypnotized by the sight of her coworker’s gray and knotty manhood.

“I–I–Wow…” Leslie stammered. Andy had this kind of effect on women, when they finally were able to take a peek at his gnarled trousersnake. So it was no surprise to him when Leslie, in a semi-simplified state of lust, suddenly dropped to her knees and began servicing him with her award-winning journalist’s tongue. Andy’s abundant, snow-white brow furrowed, as he began to commentate on the pleasure he was receiving:

“Blowjobs are funny. It’s hardly a job, unless you get paid to do it, in which case it’s not the kind of thing I want to get mixed up in, and it certainly doesn’t involve blowing. It actually involves the opposite, which is sucking. I don’t care for the term ‘blowjob,’ as it conjures up all sorts of images of some kind of balloon, and frankly I just don’t like associating my sexual experiences with balloons.”

“Busted”

Author: Praying_Mantits

Source: Mythbusters

Adam: Jamie; the myth for this week is uh, it’s something [chuckles] of a new kind of myth for us.
Jamie: Uh, yes, that is right. It’s something we’ve not done before, so it actually ought to be quite a treat for a lot of you, uh, viewers out there.
Adam: [Chuckles] Ha, yes, that’s because we are going to be testing the myth of the male G-spot.

[Animation plays of cartoon character with Adam’s photographic head superimposed on being reamed by cartoon Jamie. Eventually cartoon Adam ejaculates, and his semen spells out “Male G-Spot”]

Adam: For this experiment, we’re going to be using myself and Jamie on this yoga mat, and we’ll also be employing the use of a lot of lubricant, because the myth does not specify whether lube should or shouldn’t be used.
Jamie: Now you haven’t done this before, right Adam?
Adam: [Chuckles] No. So we’re going to need a lot of lubricant. [nods head with each syllable of “lubricant,” chuckles]

[_High-speed montage set to ukulele music of Adam and Jamie having anal sex. Interspliced

are images of the Asian guy and the chick doing nothing, as usual. This continues until

Adam is brought to a shuddering climax_]

Adam: Oh, wow! [Chuckles]

[Jamie finishes on Adam’s chest, and then spits to the side]

Jamie: Busted.

Volume 16- Issue 2

City Council Declares Bum Historic Landmark

October 1, 2006

John Jackson Waste, newsflash

Local vagrant Patches Wilkinson was declared a historic landmark by the Berkeley City Council last night. “For the past twenty four years, Mr. Wilkinson has brightened the corner of Dwight and Dana with his presence, and provided much-needed diversity to boot,” said Councilmember Kriss Worthington in a press conference.

“He is an integral part of our city’s history and we intend to keep him on that corner as long as possible,” he said. Compliance with the new act requires that Wilkinson and his environs be left entirely unchanged – the introduction of foreign change, clothing and food to the bum’s system is now prohibited.

In reaction to this legislation, the jubilant newly historical bum said, “For the love of God, either give me a 40 or kill me.” Wilkinson was honored to have the commemorative gold plate welded onto his back. His initial reaction was, “AAHHH!!!”

Volume 16- Issue 2

Your Roommate to Continue Listening to that Chinese Hip Hop Shit

October 1, 2006

David Hollingsworth, newsflash

In a press release Monday evening, your Asian roommate made the official statement that the infuriatingly bad Chinese Hip Hop music constantly playing from his laptop would continue indefinitely.

“This decision has been thought over carefully, and there was a strong case to turn that shit off for Christ’s sake, but I feel that the correct conclusion has been drawn, and the clattering mess of ill-produced bleep-bloopery will not cease this day,” said your roommate.

While many, including you, have opposed this decision, your roommate has taken a firm stance on the issue, refusing to use headphones or listen to “something else, anything else, even The Cheetah Girls.”

In closing, your roommate invited all his high school friends over and one of them broke your Xbox controller.

Volume 16- Issue 2

New Dinosaur Species Discovered

October 1, 2006

Dan Freedman, newsflash

Paleontologists and researchers recently uncovered hints of a new species of dinosaur. While no concrete evidence of its existence has been found, scientists postulate that the “Clitaurus” evolved millions of years ago, and might still exist on the earth today in some unknown form.

A reconstruction performed of ancient postulated “Clitaurus” features leave scientists and researchers bewildered and confused. Paleontologist Jeff Sevino, one of the leading researchers of Clitaurus behavior said, “we’ve made big strides in piecing the Clitaurus puzzle together, but as for it’s function, or whether it actually exists on earth today, well, we just haven’t been able to put our finger on it.”

Judy Murphy, Mr. Servino’s research partner has a different perspective, and is more outspoken in her beliefs that the “Clitaurus” still exists on earth today. “It’s really not that hard to find if you just know what you’re doing,” she said. When asked if she was implying that her PhD educated research partner Jeff Servino did not know what he was doing, she replied, “Well he’s not the best partner I’ve ever had, but at least he tries.” Overhearing this interview, Mr. Servino stormed into the room and asked, “Well shit, how many research partners have you had?”

Volume 16- Issue 2

Stephen Colbert Ironically Elected Governor of South Carolina

October 1, 2006

Greg McGarry, newsflash

Popular humorist Stephen Colbert, noted for his deadpan impression of a smug, self-aggrandizing right-wing pundit, has been ironically elected Republican Governor of South Carolina after mockingly collecting the 5,000 requisite signatures and facetiously soliciting millions of dollars in campaign contributions from the NRA and RJ Reynolds.

His first as faux-Governor will be to satirically de-criminalize assault weapons and extra-criminalize gay marriage. His second act will be an hilarious re-segregation of the state’s rural western half, followed by a rib-tickling secession from the Union and an uproarious declaration of Southern Sovereignty.

When asked to comment on how his hysterically racist policies and borderline fascist-comic rhetoric had passed from the realm of social satire to real-life bigotry, Colbert declared: “Irony is dead to me. Oh, and satire? I’m putting you on notice!

You and black people.”

Volume 16- Issue 2