- Risqu+A
- Stratego-O-O-OHHHHHH!
- Kerplunk
- Eye Candy Land
- Sexchange Operation
- Barebackgammon
- Dungeons and Dungeons
- Guess Who’s Fucking You
- Solitaire
- Don’t Wake Daddy
Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
The Heuristic Playboy
Latest Issue
Stephen Colbert Ironically Elected Governor of South Carolina
Popular humorist Stephen Colbert, noted for his deadpan impression of a smug, self-aggrandizing right-wing pundit, has been ironically elected Republican Governor of South Carolina after mockingly collecting the 5,000 requisite signatures and facetiously soliciting millions of dollars in campaign contributions from the NRA and RJ Reynolds.
His first as faux-Governor will be to satirically de-criminalize assault weapons and extra-criminalize gay marriage. His second act will be an hilarious re-segregation of the state’s rural western half, followed by a rib-tickling secession from the Union and an uproarious declaration of Southern Sovereignty.
When asked to comment on how his hysterically racist policies and borderline fascist-comic rhetoric had passed from the realm of social satire to real-life bigotry, Colbert declared: “Irony is dead to me. Oh, and satire? I’m putting you on notice!
You and black people.”
High-Brow Erotic Fanfiction
“The Battle of Man-Asses”
Author: RebCake20
Source: Ken Burns’ “The Civil War”
[The camera pans out from an aged photograph as a sorrowful and rustic violin plays an old Southern requiem. The photo is of two men with scraggly beards engaged in anal sex]
Narrator: [reading from a letter] “My dearest Lulabelle. I find myself in the most terrible of erogenous conundrums. Last night the fates had transpired that I would take part in an act of illuminating sodomy, an awakening of senses within my soul and loins and posterior. While it happened so that I required the medicinal aid of a shot of whiskey and a stick to bite on, the pain of the initial penetration was nothing compared to the following glory enacted upon my most tender of holes. It will take quite some time and help from divine providence to ascertain my choice between your exquisite kiss, or my tent-mate’s veiny rod.”
–Private First Class Kilbourne S. Noisewater, 1864.
“You Ever Notice?”
Author: RoOnEyFaN86
Source: 60 Minutes
Leslie Stahl’s breath evacuated her lungs immediately as her eyes were drawn towards Andy Rooney’s massive member. “Leslie! What are you doing in my dressing room?” Andy asked, his tone getting more and more coy as the question progressed. Leslie tried to answer him, but was temporarily hypnotized by the sight of her coworker’s gray and knotty manhood.
“I–I–Wow…” Leslie stammered. Andy had this kind of effect on women, when they finally were able to take a peek at his gnarled trousersnake. So it was no surprise to him when Leslie, in a semi-simplified state of lust, suddenly dropped to her knees and began servicing him with her award-winning journalist’s tongue. Andy’s abundant, snow-white brow furrowed, as he began to commentate on the pleasure he was receiving:
“Blowjobs are funny. It’s hardly a job, unless you get paid to do it, in which case it’s not the kind of thing I want to get mixed up in, and it certainly doesn’t involve blowing. It actually involves the opposite, which is sucking. I don’t care for the term ‘blowjob,’ as it conjures up all sorts of images of some kind of balloon, and frankly I just don’t like associating my sexual experiences with balloons.”
“Busted”
Author: Praying_Mantits
Source: Mythbusters
Adam: Jamie; the myth for this week is uh, it’s something [chuckles] of a new kind of myth for us.
Jamie: Uh, yes, that is right. It’s something we’ve not done before, so it actually ought to be quite a treat for a lot of you, uh, viewers out there.
Adam: [Chuckles] Ha, yes, that’s because we are going to be testing the myth of the male G-spot.
[Animation plays of cartoon character with Adam’s photographic head superimposed on being reamed by cartoon Jamie. Eventually cartoon Adam ejaculates, and his semen spells out “Male G-Spot”]
Adam: For this experiment, we’re going to be using myself and Jamie on this yoga mat, and we’ll also be employing the use of a lot of lubricant, because the myth does not specify whether lube should or shouldn’t be used.
Jamie: Now you haven’t done this before, right Adam?
Adam: [Chuckles] No. So we’re going to need a lot of lubricant. [nods head with each syllable of “lubricant,” chuckles]
[_High-speed montage set to ukulele music of Adam and Jamie having anal sex. Interspliced
are images of the Asian guy and the chick doing nothing, as usual. This continues until
Adam is brought to a shuddering climax_]
Adam: Oh, wow! [Chuckles]
[Jamie finishes on Adam’s chest, and then spits to the side]
Jamie: Busted.
Top Ten New, Pleasant Job Titles for Criminal Occupations
- Hooking Technician
- Drug Equestrian
- Surprise Valet
- Existence-ending Options Specialist
- Unexpected Copulation Assistant
- Amateur Locksmith
- Savings Account Adjuster
- Coat Lightener
- Italian-American Stereotype Enforcer
- Unbulletproofer
Local Pot Calls Kettle ‘Black’
In what has been described by local police as a, “racially provoked verbal assault,” a local Pot was accused of calling a nearby Kettle, “black.” A fellow Kettle commented, “I thought we’d come a long way since the days of judging a Kettle on the color of his paint. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. Like soup.”
The Pot’s legal team, Pan, Mug, and Crock Pot issued a statement claiming that he was confused by the plethora of terms used in modern society to describe the defendant. A Wok for the defense added, “It’s so confusing to know what’s politically correct and what’s offensive these days. Me so horny, I love noodle.”
Pot claims to have friends of every culinary background and his lawyers maintain that any allegations that he is a lazy lay-about who only gets off the sofa if he’s got the munchies were not only offensive to the Pot community at large, but inaccurate. Pot had no comment regarding his crack usage.
New Dinosaur Species Discovered
Paleontologists and researchers recently uncovered hints of a new species of dinosaur. While no concrete evidence of its existence has been found, scientists postulate that the “Clitaurus” evolved millions of years ago, and might still exist on the earth today in some unknown form.
A reconstruction performed of ancient postulated “Clitaurus” features leave scientists and researchers bewildered and confused. Paleontologist Jeff Sevino, one of the leading researchers of Clitaurus behavior said, “we’ve made big strides in piecing the Clitaurus puzzle together, but as for it’s function, or whether it actually exists on earth today, well, we just haven’t been able to put our finger on it.”
Judy Murphy, Mr. Servino’s research partner has a different perspective, and is more outspoken in her beliefs that the “Clitaurus” still exists on earth today. “It’s really not that hard to find if you just know what you’re doing,” she said. When asked if she was implying that her PhD educated research partner Jeff Servino did not know what he was doing, she replied, “Well he’s not the best partner I’ve ever had, but at least he tries.” Overhearing this interview, Mr. Servino stormed into the room and asked, “Well shit, how many research partners have you had?”
City Council Declares Bum Historic Landmark
Local vagrant Patches Wilkinson was declared a historic landmark by the Berkeley City Council last night. “For the past twenty four years, Mr. Wilkinson has brightened the corner of Dwight and Dana with his presence, and provided much-needed diversity to boot,” said Councilmember Kriss Worthington in a press conference.
“He is an integral part of our city’s history and we intend to keep him on that corner as long as possible,” he said. Compliance with the new act requires that Wilkinson and his environs be left entirely unchanged – the introduction of foreign change, clothing and food to the bum’s system is now prohibited.
In reaction to this legislation, the jubilant newly historical bum said, “For the love of God, either give me a 40 or kill me.” Wilkinson was honored to have the commemorative gold plate welded onto his back. His initial reaction was, “AAHHH!!!”
Top Ten Signs Your Partner is a Cannibal
- Foreplay involves complimentary bread
- Tosses your salad with Ranch and croutons
- Wants it 3 times a day
- Breaks up with you by saying, “It’s not you, it’s my high cholesterol”
- Uses a napkin as a Dental Dam
- Gives you hand jobs with a hot dog bun
- Adds carrots and onions to the hot tub
- Gave you A1-brand cologne
- Insists on lubricating with gravy
- Hickeys require band-aids
Mel Gibson BBQ’s Thousands of Hebrew Nationals
On Saturday, in an attempt to establish positive ties with the Jewish community, Mel Gibson held a barbeque at his Malibu home.
Leaders of the Jewish Community and Anti-Discrimination groups attended the event in good spirits. “It’s always a good day to fry up some Hebrews,” said Gibson.
Despite recent anti-Semitic remarks from Gibson the guests were cheery and optimistic. “I think this whole thing has been blown out of proportion,” said Shlomo Goldstein of the Jewish Anti-Defamation League.
After a slightly embarrassing event in which no one could turn off the gas from Gibson’s grill, he delivered a few words of forgiveness to the crowd for his recent media actions. “I really empathize with your people. You have gone through a lot and I can readily say I’m glad I’m not a Jew. If there is one thing that Christ has taught me when dealing with Jews, it’s forgive and forget. I hope that mentality can be applied to my remarks.”
The event seemed to be a great success and both parties left feeling like they had taken a step in the right direction. “I like Mel,” said Goldstein. “He really was a mensch today. Apology accepted. We still hate his dad though. Total schmuck.”
Volume 16, Issue 1: Run Robot Run
