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Volume 18- Issue 1

Words From the Top

18 Candles

August 1, 2008
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There comes a time in every man’s life when he reaches a sacred right of passage, and the lessons he has learned congeal into a thick grease of responsibility and maturity.  Before that, though, he turns 18 and goes to a titty bar with his step-dad.  This year, the Heuristic Squelch reaches that milestone of legality, and now has the distinction of being a publication as old as a large percentage of its audience, a distinction that would only truly be impressive if we were World’s Oldest Living Person Weekly.

 

As a reward for reaching the age of consent, the staff here engaged in the time-honored tradition of getting a friend of ours laid. We headed to Tijuana’s famed red ink district, in search of their magazine-specific brothels. They wouldn’t let us bring Seventeen across the border until we told them it was founded in ’44, but other than the trip went smoothly

 

Things got a little crazy there, I’ll admit.  We spent most of our time getting other magazines liquored up to give us advertising leads. And we are proud to say that at the end of the night, the Squelch finally lost its virginity. We are less proud to say that it was to Cosmo. (Honestly, we tried for Playboy, but we’re not made of money. That would be the Cartoonish Plutocrat Review, who didn’t show up.) On the plus side, it knew 1,435 different ways to please a man.

 

So Happy Birthday, Squelch. Call us when you’re 21 and maybe we’ll invite you to one of our parties.

Volume 18- Issue 1

Ask Miss Methiquette

August 1, 2008
, , ,

Dear Miss Methiquette,

No matter what I try, my common-law husband always takes more than his fair share of meth.  He says that because he’s bigger, he requires more to get high, but according to our police records we both weigh around 80 pounds.  I don’t want to lose this guy ( he’s a keeper!!) but I need my fix!  What can I do?

Shortchanged in Schenectady

 

Dear Shortchanged,

If a loved one is being greedy, cordially remind him that when it comes to crystal in a community setting, fair distribution and moderation are top priority.  If he persists, cutting his eye with a sharpened Venetian blind ought to remind him more effectively.

-Miss Methiquette

Dear Miss Methiquette,

What is the proper etiquette for furiously clawing at one’s forearms?  I often find myself with the urge to dig out the poison from underneath my skin, but don’t know if it would be rude to do so while, say, screaming at everyone who walks through the BART station.  Help!

-Abraded in Alameda

 

Dear Abraded,

Scratching one’s self in public should be avoided at all costs.  If you absolutely must, do it in someplace private, like the bathroom of a Quizno’s or in the home of someone who forgot to lock their window.

-Miss Methiquette

 

 

Dear Miss Methiquette,

I’m usually a neat freak, but recently my hospice has become something of a pig-sty, mostly due hours on end spent frantically dismantling appliances and government spy equipment in the dark. Any tips for making the most of my cluttered squalor?

-Sloppy in Stockton

 

Dear Sloppy,

An organized home is a happy one.  Set aside a workstation to take apart every broken cell phone, baby monitor, toaster, and mini-fridge that you find on the sidewalk.

-Miss Methiquette.

_

 

_

 

Dear Miss Methiquette

How much does one tip for an Abe of crank?  My friend and I have a gentleman’s wager.

-Vexed in Vallejo

 

Dear Vexed,

While tipping is always appreciated, it can sometimes be misinterpreted as flashy and nouveau-riche if you over-do it. Stick to oral.

-Miss Methiquette

 

 

Dear Miss Methiquette,

I just moved to a different city, and I’m looking to make a fresh start with a new dealer. How can I show my new friend and pusher that I am a collected, responsible client who won’t snitch?

-Restless in Riverside

 

Dear Restless,

It’s the little things that count. Keeping your fingernails neat and trim is a crucial part of daily hygiene and you should make time for cuticle upkeep every day.  Also, remember to feed your baby.

-Miss Methiquette

 

 

Dear Miss Methiquette,

My in-laws are coming to visit, and I don’t want them to think me a rube.  What goes well with ginger-glazed Mahi Mahi and organic spring greens?

-Frazzled in Fresno

 

Dear Frazzled,

Meth.

-Miss Methiquette

Volume 18- Issue 1

SPORTS DESK: You Suck at Beer Pong

August 1, 2008
,

Since moving into your fraternity house in late August, you have spent every other night playing beer pong. Unfortunately, due to various factors, including your alleged summer-long abstinence from alcohol, your tolerance for Natty Ice has largely deteriorated. Coupled with your naturally bad hand-eye coordination, this has caused you to fail to win a single game of beer pong as of now.

 

“You are such a bitchass, bro,” your roommate crowed yesterday, over his third consecutive victory of the night, as he unrolled the sleeves of his button-down shirt with an annoyingly smooth flourish. “You throw like some kind of a bitchass or something.” He then proceeded to do a one-handed kegstand. Later, as you both prepared to go to sleep, he bid you good night by saying, “Sweet dreams, bitchass!”

 

In other news, you have come down with some kind of a weird eye infection or something.

 

 

BEER PONG STANDINGS
1. Your Roommate
2. Roommate’s Gay(?) Friend
3. That One Hot Girl
4. Guy Who Is Always Hanging Around But You Don’t Know Who He’s Friends With
5. 30-year-old Alum Who No One Wants to Kick Out
6. Next Door Neighbor
7. Next Door Neighbor’s Cat
8. You

Volume 18- Issue 1

Scenes from an Improv Drama Troupe

August 1, 2008

Improviser 1:  All right, for this scene, we’re going to need a trope.  Tropes, anyone?

Audience Member 1: A wedding cancelled due to a miscarriage!

Audience Member 2: A man, trapped, sees no other course but to end his life!!

Audience Member 3 : A man beats his wife because his father taught him that love was desperate and hateful!

I**** mproviser 1:  Miscarriage, I heard miscarriage.

 

Improviser 2: Okay, now we’re going to play “Bartender”. First up is Randall. Randall is despondent about something, what is he despondent about?

Audience Member 1: Crippling ennui !

Audience Member 2: A friendship irrevocably slipping away!

Improviser 2: Ennui it is!

Randall: (Drinks silently, sighs.)

Audience: (Empathizes wildly.)

 

Improviser 3: Okay, we’ve got our scene: a café with Immanuel Kant and King Edward VII. Now, can we have an inner conflict?

Audience Members 1 and 2: Oedipal complex!

(Everyone laughs cathartically)

 

Improviser 4: Damn it, Susan, I put my whole life into that painting! How could you take that away from me?

Improviser 5: Uh… I, um… shit.

Audience Member 1: Starved for affection!

Improviser 5: Right. Steve, it was consuming everything! You paid more attention to that painting than your own wife! [Whispers to Audience Member 1] Thank you…

Volume 18- Issue 1

Movie Bombs Without Critical Cereal-Box Advertising

August 1, 2008
,

            Wacky, Sass-Talking Animals, the latest computer-animated children’s film about wacky, sass-talking animals, was a big disappointment at the box office, and the studio knows exactly what went wrong: a lack of advertisements on cereal boxes.

            “It was such a fundamental mistake,” says VP of Marketing Eric Larenger.  “We thought we had made a movie good enough and appealing enough to attract an audience without cereal ads, or as we call it in the biz, ‘breakfast messaging.’  Boy, were we wrong.”

            In fact, recent studies have shown that ordinary people will almost never attend a new film unless they are constantly reminded of its existence.  In one study done last year, 80% of people surveyed were unable to recall any knowledge of Spider-Man 3 ten minutes after seeing a trailer on television.  By contrast, almost all subjects were able to demonstrate awarness of the film when in a room filled with Spider-Man 3 merchandise.

            “This is really a wake-up call for the industry,” Larenger said with a sigh.  “We cannot relax our vigilance even for a moment, or the audience is gone forever.  We now know it simply isn’t enough to advertise on television, billboards, clothing, fast food packaging, websites, toys, completely unrelated products, and even print media.  If they don’t see our logo and main character staring at them first thing in the morning, we might as well just hang it up and go home.”

Volume 18- Issue 1

The GRE As Written by The Internet

August 1, 2008
,

**Reading Comprehension

**

After reading the following passages, choose the best answer for each question.

1.

Which of the following best summarizes the main point the author is trying to make?

A)“Zippers are a menace.”

B)“Proper pubic hair maintenance is important”

C)“kawaii ~*(^o_0^)#~~!!!!”

D)“I wish I had something to do besides make these.”

E)“This cat has Palsy.”

2.

Goku never thought he would feel this way about Vegeta, especially not after they both had been transformed into pregnant dragons. It was only when Vegetasaur’s tongue found its way to Gokudon’s taint that it dawned on him just how much he cared for him.Soon, Gokudon’s scaly nipples hardened like diamonds, and a glow began to take over him.

“It’s happening, Vegeta!”Gokudon shrieked.

“Do it.Give birth on me, Kakarot.”Vegetasaur cooed.

Little did either of them know that Captain Picard watched in the darkness.Except he was an adult baby.

The two lovers’ lack of knowledge of Picard’s gaze is known as:

A)Laissez Faire

B)Foreshadowing

C)Incredibly hot

D)Dramatic irony

E)Perestroika

**Sentence Completion

**

Choose the word or set of words for each blank that best fits the meaning of the sentence as a whole.

The Master Chief’s whole body shook. “I’m _________ inside of you!” he screamed. “I love you, _________!”

A)Orgasming, Hermione

B)Defecating, Xena Warior Princess

C)Copulating, The Cast of Cheers

D)Obfuscating, Jurisprudence

E)Twitterpating, Thumper

**Analogy

**

Choose the lettered pair that best expresses a relationship similar to that in the original pair.

Ubuntu : Vista ::

A)Helvetica : Arial

B)Resplendency : Groin Pain

C)Open Source : Apartheid South Africa

D)The way talking dogs are cute : The way talking cats are terrifying

E)LOL : ROFL, I WANT STEVE JOBS’S BABY INSIDE ME

**Analytical Writing

**

**Present your perspective one of the issues below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views.

**

1.“Critics of the environmentalist movement claim that industrial regulation hurts the economy more than it helps the planet.Respond to this claim using only actions surrounded in asterisks.”

  1. “Your W0man Will Be Stupefied By Your ErectionSuperViagra $2.27 vqh 6h0y”

3.“Just as a purging fire is sometimes necessary to maintain the health of a forest, perhaps it’s not such an injustice that I’m no longer a Wikipedia admin.”

  1. “Tolerance and progress, taken to extremes, are incompatible.With this in mind, troll the Neopets message boards.”
Volume 18- Issue 1

The Carnie Life

August 1, 2008
,

Every now and then I find myself thinking, “Max, what if carnies were real people? Where would they go? What would they do?” As it turns out, this summer I had the distinct displeasure of working at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk as a ride operator. My experiences there changed me into one of them forever.

 

These are the untold stories of Carnie life.

_

 

_

_Work

_

Child: I can’t get my seatbelt on. Can you help me?

Me: Yeah whatever, no one helped me in life. You can figure it out like I did.

Child: Doesn’t this ride go upside down?

Me: Maybe. I stop paying attention after I start the ride. Here we go!

-One minute later-

Prostitute: So, are we gonna do this or do you want to wait till the ride’s finished?

Me: Baby, I didn’t wake up at ten fuckin’ thirty for any of your fancy city talk. I did it to start drinking. Anyway, let’s have sex.

Prostitute: Oh yeah, let’s– OH MY GOD! Some kid just fell off that ride!  I think he’s dead.

Me: Don’t look at me. I told him to put his fucking seatbelt on.

_

 

_

_Basic Necessities

_

Grocery Store Clerk: You’re purchasing how many bottles of tequila?

Me: Just 10. I’m not very thirsty today. Oh, and I need a lime.

Clerk: If you don’t mind me asking sir, what do you eat?

Me: That’s what the lime is for, dumbass. That and scurvy.

Clerk: Okay. That brings your total to 214 dollars and 62 cents. How will you be paying today?

Me: With the green paper stuff. What’s it called?

Clerk: Cash?

Me: Yeah, that’s it.

  [Hands over green paper stuff]

Clerk: Sir, this isn’t money. This is just green construction paper that you scribbled numbers all over. Even then, it still only adds up to fifty cents.

Me: Read the back.

Clerk: “WYL U IZ REEDING THIS I IZ TAKING BOOZ AND RUNING.” God dammit, not again!

_

 

_

_Dating

_

Me: So the point of my story is if you’re not careful you can end up with herpes in BOTH your eyes!

Woman: That…that’s disgusting.

Me: Hey don’t judge until you’ve tried it.

Woman: Okay yeah, I’m definitely leaving now.

Me: Just like my wife on my eleventh birthday last year? Women! You’re all the same. You’re more immature than my 3 year old son. Or his three year old, for that matter!

Woman: Did you say eleven? You told me you were Gary Busey! That’s the only reason I’m here!

Me: Naw, that’s my daddy.

Woman: I thought you said your daddy was Robert Downey Jr.?

Me: Naw, that’s my other daddy. Maw was pretty drunk. That’s why I got me a speech impediment.

 

_Safety Training

_

Boss:   So we don’t really know what this button does, or why it’s here, but legend is that it was pressing this button what gave Frank polio.  So don’t press this button.

Me:****   Right.

Boss:  Next up, this piece of equipment is really dangerous and shouldn’t be operated if you’ve been drinking.

Me:  But how am I supposed to get through the day without tequila?

Boss:****   Pssh.  Okay, if you’ve been drinking pussy shit like tequila, that’s fine, princess.  I meant _really _drinkin’.

Me:****   There’s a lot of sparks comin’ out of this wire.  What should I do about that?

Boss:****   Shit, we need more gum. 

_

 

_

_Hanging Out With Co-Workers

_

Jeb:   Damn, sometimes it’s just good to hang out outside of the workplace.  Specifically, in the parking lot.

Charley:   You gonna eat that cigarette?

Jeb:   Hell yes, the filter is where all the vitamins are.

Me:   You guys ever see that ghost that walks around the Fried Beer stand?

Charley:   Aw, you mean ol’ Carnie McGee?  He’s somethin’ of a legend around these parts.

Jeb:****   According to myth, he was president of the carnies, until he disbanded our union in exchange for half of a Meat-Lover’s pizza.  Some say he was struck by lightning while hosing off vomit.  Some contend he died of a broken heart after his wife left him for her other nephew.  Charley says he saw him get hit by a motorcycle.

Charley:   And he’s been haunting the park ever since, for a whole week.

Volume 18- Issue 1

So You’re Going to Hell

August 1, 2008
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Lead a life of debauchery?  Sinned against nature?  Rejected the legitimacy of your one/multiple true God/gods?  Use this handy reference to see just what you ought to expect.

 

Catholicism

What Your Hell is Like: Not as grandiose or visually striking as Vatican paintings imply.

Why You’re Here:  Did not purchase indulgence.

Company: Serial killers, rapists, sex ed teachers

Tormentor(s): Lee Harvey Oswald.

Way Out:  Knowing a guy.

Protestantism

What Your Hell is Like: Forcibly gay married to Richard Dawkins

Why You’re Here:  Too poor.

Company: People foolish enough to live before Christ

Tormentor(s): Creatures evolving just to spite you

Way Out: Besting Satan in Fiddle Hero

Islam

What Your Hell is Like: A searing pit where sinners and Shaitan alike suffer in flames that are 70 times hotter than those on Earth, away from the garden of delight that is Paradise

Why You’re Here: Disobeyed one of the five (if Sunni) or eight (if Shia) pillars of faith or performed the most grievous crime of hypocrisy by claiming to accept Allah and Mohammed but denouncing them in your heart

Company: Betrayers and usurers in a tiered system of punishment similar to – but distinct from – the Christian Dantean viewpoint

Tormentor(s): A horde of the most fiendish ifrits and djinns, nightmare creatures made of smokeless fire.

Way Out: Please don’t have our funding taken away

Buddhism

What Your Hell is Like: Forced to own massive amount of property

Why You’re Here: Misinterpreted vague poem about lotus flower or bee or whatever.

Company: Bully who picked on Buddha in 4th grade

Tormentor(s): Monks embarrassingly more serene than you

Way Out: Ask politely

Judaism

What Your Hell is Like: Since you don’t believe in Hell, you’re actually stuck in the really shitty part of Heaven

Why You’re Here: You couldn’t have called ahead for reservations maybe?

Company: Those awful, noisy Pakowiczes next door, on my worst enemy’s dog I wouldn’t wish this kind of treatment.

Tormentors: Overbearing mothers.

Way Out: Go to med school, why don’t you.

Hinduism

What Your Hell is Like: Trapped in chasm, only allowed 4 sexual positions.

Why You’re Here: Reincarnated as another dead guy.

Company: Whatever the opposite of a cow is.

Tormentors: The studio that brought you The Love Guru.

Way Out: Die (again.)

Scientology

What Your Hell is Like: Simultaneously receiving psychiatric care and not enough attention.

Why You’re Here: Insufficiently crazed proselytizing

Company: Ghost aliens. No, seriously. Ghost aliens.

Tormentors: L. Ron Hubbard laughing at you atop a boat made of money

Way Out: Give him more money

Volume 18- Issue 1

Student Groups: A Field Guide

August 1, 2008

Congratulations on missing the deadline for private school applications!  Welcome to Cal!

 

Remember how in high school you had to put up with a lot of bullshit extracurricular activities and student groups?  Remember how everyone in high school said things were going to be different in college?  It’s okay, crushed dreams and disappointment are the unofficial mascots of higher education.  The official mascot is a bear! Who drinks.

 

Here’s a handy guide to the groups that will be hassling you this year to join, and what you can do to avoid them.

 

Big Treble in Little China

Group Type: Shrill A Capella Band.

Catalog Description:   “How often have you find yourself walking down Sproul wishing there was a group of amateurs yelling 15-year-old songs at you without music?  How often have you wished those songs were in Cantonese, arguably the most beautiful glottal-stop-based language in the world?  Well, worry no more!”

Group Activities: Forming human rhythm section and giant roadblock.

How to Avoid: Seek refuge with the Taiwanese A Capella group.

**

 

**

**Finnish Neo-Orthodox Traditionalist Student Union

**

Group Type:   Christian/Ethnic Fellowship

Catalog Description:   “Members of our extremely specific faith will find our meetings a fun and safe environment for us to discuss the trivial aspects that marginally differentiate us from other branches of Christianity.”

Group Activities:  Holding meetings, barbecues, flyering for said meetings and barbecues.

How to Avoid: Pray that you are one of the 99.99674% of students on campus whose historical origins render them ineligible for membership.

 

**CalPIRG

**

Group Type:  Excuse me!  Hiiii.  I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute?

Catalog Description:   Have you pledged CalPIRG yet?  Ex—excuse me, it’ll just take a second, have you pledged CalPIRG?  Oh.  May I ask why not?  I realize you’re busy, but this will really only take a short while, we’re talking to people about the environment.  Did you know—Excuse me.  Hello.  Can I walk with you for a little bit?

Group Activities:  Hiii, what’s your name?  Hi, I’m Denise. 

How to Avoid: Being a Republican.

 

**Õs Mandíbulas

**

Group Type: Renowned Brazilian street-gang, Berkeley chapter

Catalog Description: “Perfect for those who seek cultural and personal fulfillment from peers of a similar socioeconomic background who are also skilled in varieties of street combat such as Krav Maga, Capoeira, and “Give Me Your Fucking Purse.”

Group Activities: Tattoos, talking about tattoos, lifting weights, tattooing pictures of weights on your chest (on which a dumbbell is currently resting).

How to Avoid: Carry nothing of value past 9 PM.

 

**Cal LARPing Society

**

Group Type: More of a _party _of swashbucklers than a group, technically.

Catalog Description: “ A group dedicated to the rollicking adventures of roleplaying and committed to furthering understanding about the nature and worth of adventure games in a post-electronic society. Midgets wanted.”

Group Activities: Adventuring, spellcasting, exploring the dismal depths of Travis’s Cellar. Fishing dice out from under the Couch Of Sitting. Perilous journeys to the 7-11 Of . . . Provisions.

How to Avoid: Make saving throw.

 

 

**Knuckles and Poison

**

Group Type:   Shadowy Cabal of People Who Like Cocaine.

Catalog Description:   “Knuckles and Poison has been Cal’s premier secret society since 1899.  Operating underneath the campus radar, its existence has remained a total and complete secret to every student until…today, I guess.  Shit!”

Group Activities:  Covertly controlling everything from the tenure system, to financial aid, to how high a tuition hike the ASUC should unquestioningly approve.

How to Avoid:  Do not go into Ishi Court on a moonless night at the strike of one.  While there, do not whisper “excelsior” until a man comes to put a damp cloth to your face.  Do not heed his instructions carefully.

 

Lambda Sigma Rho

Group Type:   Pre-Vocational Ed Fraternity

Catalog Description: Whether you want to be a carpenter or just really like hammers, Lambda Sigma Rho is for you. We offer a hands-on approach to education for students who understand that the real world needs more plumbers and electricians, not literacy. Our fraternity boasts the largest number of students in any organization at Cal to attend ITT Technical Institute for post-graduate work. We are also the only fraternity on campus to make our own kegs.

Group Activities: Going to New Orleans during Spring Break and _actually _rebuilding.

How to Avoid: Have a major.

 

**The Republicans

**

Group Type: Surly defender of _real _American values.

Catalog Description:  Writing trenchant editorials blasting California’s tax-and-spend fiscal policies and the erosion of marriage. Also the fucking hippies.

Group Activities:   Being contrarian.  Arguing with the ASUC that funding based on liberal fallacies like “group size” is for pussies.

How to Avoid:  Join CalPIRG.

Volume 18- Issue 1

Google Researches New Ways to Invade Privacy

August 1, 2008
,

        No longer content to just have better access to your personal information than you do, Google is stepping up research into new ways to invade your privacy. The research’s main focus is invading the privacy of your own home.

 

        “It’s really one of the few privacy barriers we have left to break,” says Google engineer Matt Johnson. “That’s why we’re releasing a new program: Google Theft!” Users of Google Theft will have their homes broken into by four burly men with the intention of taking everything in sight. The program is only in beta testing right now, but testers are already giving glowing reviews.

 

        “I love Google Theft! My search results have never been better,” said one anonymous tester after having his blood type forcibly tested as per the request of another anonymous Google user.

 

        When questioned about the Constitutionality of such privacy violations, Google co-founder Larry Page responded, “Nowhere does it say in the constitution that we can’t do this.”  When made aware of the fourth amendment, Page changed all of the results for “4th amendment US constitution” to awkward-looking child pornography.

 

        Despite their many technological and legal triumphs, Google employees remain humble. They cite Google Theft’s greatest accomplishment as “headquarters never before having nicer furniture or televisions.”