Volume 18, Issue 2: Betting Time
Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Squelch M.D.
Latest Issue
Volume 18, Issue 1: The Gumbfather
Rumspringa
During the period known as “Rumspringa,” Amish youth are permitted to leave their insular communities and explore the world of the modern American teenager. Most return to be baptized, but a slim minority chooses to stay in the high-fat, high-octane world of the modern United States.
The following is the diary of one of those renegades.
August 25, 2008
Today is the day I leave for my journey into the technological den of the heathen, and already I am excited to see what kind of electronic pitchforks and wireless chicken coops everyone will have. I hugged my diligent sister and her industrious unborn child goodbye and set off into the world.
August 26, 2008
While crossing the street the other day, I was accosted by a large turtle with big rubber feet who made honking noises at me. Just kidding, I knew it was a car. I’m Amish, not retarded.
August 28, 2008
I wore a shirt with buttons today and have yet to be possessed by the Prince of Darkness. Will keep checking.
September 1, 2008
Wish me luck, diary, I’m going to an inner-city high school for the first time today! I’m a little bit nervous, all the other kids at school are probably going to have better-looking clothes, faster horses, and more pristine Bibles than me.
September 5, 2008
While I appreciate my new high school friends’ hospitality and their desire to entertain me, I’m beginning to wonder if there’s any other movie beside Witness.
September 7, 2008
I gave a sermon today explaining that electricity is the lightning of Hell. I think I made my point well enough, but the people in the Intensive Care Unit weren’t very enthusiastic.
**September 15, 2008 **
I still felt like I didn’t fit in at school until I met the Goths. Today I exchanged my black suit for a different black suit and talked morosely about hellfire and damnation. I don’t think anyone noticed the change.
September 24, 2008
As fun as school is, it doesn’t quite compare to my father clubbing me with a carpenter’s mallet while screaming the Psalms in Dutch. I think I’ll drop out and try working for a while.
September 26, 2008
My job search is going slowly. I guess everyone already has their own barn.
September 29, 2008
Success! I just got back from my first day of work as a cashier at a personal entertainment store called “Rasputin Records.” I don’t know anything about what I’m supposed to be selling, but I am very good at being judgmental and condescending about what people buy, so I ought to be manager within a few weeks.
October 2, 2008
Why is it so hard for people to relate to me here? Look, I know we all have our differences, but underneath it we’re all the same, right? We all have fears and hopes, we all have families and loved ones, we’re all indoctrinated into an oppressive society plagued with incest and a rejection of medicine and inoculation that can only be called hubris. What’s the problem?
October 4, 2008
I met a cute girl at work who I think really likes me, but it feels like things aren’t going very well. I mean, we aren’t even married yet.
October 7, 2008
Megan and mine’s first date was amazing! I don’t know if making out while listening to Feist is specifically considered a sin, but I’m starting to think this might be worth missing out on a heaven consisting of making your own candles and cider all day. I’m so fucking sick of cider.
October 18, 2008
My time in the non-Amish world is coming to a close, and I must make my decision soon. I’m really torn on this one. On the one hand, I have my family and the security of community, as well as the strength of their traditions and the beauty of their faith, but on the other hand, I have Rock Band. Have you ever played that? There’s like, seriously, a billion songs. A guy I know downloaded an entire Who album. Shit, I’m gonna go play that right now. Fuck my family.
Movie Bombs Without Critical Cereal-Box Advertising
Wacky, Sass-Talking Animals, the latest computer-animated children’s film about wacky, sass-talking animals, was a big disappointment at the box office, and the studio knows exactly what went wrong: a lack of advertisements on cereal boxes.
“It was such a fundamental mistake,” says VP of Marketing Eric Larenger. “We thought we had made a movie good enough and appealing enough to attract an audience without cereal ads, or as we call it in the biz, ‘breakfast messaging.’ Boy, were we wrong.”
In fact, recent studies have shown that ordinary people will almost never attend a new film unless they are constantly reminded of its existence. In one study done last year, 80% of people surveyed were unable to recall any knowledge of Spider-Man 3 ten minutes after seeing a trailer on television. By contrast, almost all subjects were able to demonstrate awarness of the film when in a room filled with Spider-Man 3 merchandise.
“This is really a wake-up call for the industry,” Larenger said with a sigh. “We cannot relax our vigilance even for a moment, or the audience is gone forever. We now know it simply isn’t enough to advertise on television, billboards, clothing, fast food packaging, websites, toys, completely unrelated products, and even print media. If they don’t see our logo and main character staring at them first thing in the morning, we might as well just hang it up and go home.”
Google Researches New Ways to Invade Privacy
No longer content to just have better access to your personal information than you do, Google is stepping up research into new ways to invade your privacy. The research’s main focus is invading the privacy of your own home.
“It’s really one of the few privacy barriers we have left to break,” says Google engineer Matt Johnson. “That’s why we’re releasing a new program: Google Theft!” Users of Google Theft will have their homes broken into by four burly men with the intention of taking everything in sight. The program is only in beta testing right now, but testers are already giving glowing reviews.
“I love Google Theft! My search results have never been better,” said one anonymous tester after having his blood type forcibly tested as per the request of another anonymous Google user.
When questioned about the Constitutionality of such privacy violations, Google co-founder Larry Page responded, “Nowhere does it say in the constitution that we can’t do this.” When made aware of the fourth amendment, Page changed all of the results for “4th amendment US constitution” to awkward-looking child pornography.
Despite their many technological and legal triumphs, Google employees remain humble. They cite Google Theft’s greatest accomplishment as “headquarters never before having nicer furniture or televisions.”
Gotham City Inexplicably Approves Clown-Themed Nightclub
In a move described by commentators as “moronic” and “unbelievably short-sighted”, the Gotham City Zoning Board yesterday approved plans for “Punchinello”, a new nightclub with an incredibly ill-conceived clown motif. Construction is to begin next month, defying the very rudiments of human logic.
“This is going to be great!” said club founder and fucking idiot Charles Cassidy after the hearing. “We’ll decorate it like an old Italian villa, have clown masks and pictures on the walls, and I think I can get some commedia del’arte costumes from that theater company downtown that closed after those mysterious deaths. Even the employees will wear clown masks, so no one will know who they are! I just know it’s going to be a big hit with promising young people with their whole lives ahead of them.”
Cassidy’s remarks were received with stunned silence and some scattered weeping.
The plan was strenuously objected to, particularly by Police Commissioner Gordon. “This plan is riddled with – I mean, full of flaws,” the Commissioner insisted. “It will be too noisy for its residential neighborhood, it backs right onto Crime Alley, and there are far too few emergency exits and poison-gas vents. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.”
Cassidy waved off the Commissioner’s criticisms, as well as his listing of the closure and/or destruction of every single Gotham business related to clowns, jokes, riddles, cats, plants, the number two, Greek mythology, ice, and giant replicas of everyday objects. “He’s a cop, he sees crime everywhere,” Cassidy said with confidence. “Just watch, soon everyone in Gotham City will associate a grinning clown with relaxation and good times.”
Words From the Top
18 Candles
There comes a time in every man’s life when he reaches a sacred right of passage, and the lessons he has learned congeal into a thick grease of responsibility and maturity. Before that, though, he turns 18 and goes to a titty bar with his step-dad. This year, the Heuristic Squelch reaches that milestone of legality, and now has the distinction of being a publication as old as a large percentage of its audience, a distinction that would only truly be impressive if we were World’s Oldest Living Person Weekly.
As a reward for reaching the age of consent, the staff here engaged in the time-honored tradition of getting a friend of ours laid. We headed to Tijuana’s famed red ink district, in search of their magazine-specific brothels. They wouldn’t let us bring Seventeen across the border until we told them it was founded in ’44, but other than the trip went smoothly
Things got a little crazy there, I’ll admit. We spent most of our time getting other magazines liquored up to give us advertising leads. And we are proud to say that at the end of the night, the Squelch finally lost its virginity. We are less proud to say that it was to Cosmo. (Honestly, we tried for Playboy, but we’re not made of money. That would be the Cartoonish Plutocrat Review, who didn’t show up.) On the plus side, it knew 1,435 different ways to please a man.
So Happy Birthday, Squelch. Call us when you’re 21 and maybe we’ll invite you to one of our parties.
SPORTS DESK: You Suck at Beer Pong
Since moving into your fraternity house in late August, you have spent every other night playing beer pong. Unfortunately, due to various factors, including your alleged summer-long abstinence from alcohol, your tolerance for Natty Ice has largely deteriorated. Coupled with your naturally bad hand-eye coordination, this has caused you to fail to win a single game of beer pong as of now.
“You are such a bitchass, bro,” your roommate crowed yesterday, over his third consecutive victory of the night, as he unrolled the sleeves of his button-down shirt with an annoyingly smooth flourish. “You throw like some kind of a bitchass or something.” He then proceeded to do a one-handed kegstand. Later, as you both prepared to go to sleep, he bid you good night by saying, “Sweet dreams, bitchass!”
In other news, you have come down with some kind of a weird eye infection or something.
BEER PONG STANDINGS
1. Your Roommate
2. Roommate’s Gay(?) Friend
3. That One Hot Girl
4. Guy Who Is Always Hanging Around But You Don’t Know Who He’s Friends With
5. 30-year-old Alum Who No One Wants to Kick Out
6. Next Door Neighbor
7. Next Door Neighbor’s Cat
8. You
A Cult of Your Very Own!
In these uncertain times, when the world is changing too rapidly to keep track of and society seems just one more Hulk Hogan-themed reality show away from collapsing into utter chaos, many people will look anywhere for stability and guidance, even a piece of nonsensical bullshit scribbled on a cocktail napkin. But even economics can’t help us now, so it’s time to turn to God. “But which God?” you ask. “I’m too weak and indecisive to choose among so many faiths!” The answer in simple, young one: emulate the actions so many before you, by making up your own religion based on your pipe-dream observations and stuff you pulled out of your ass. With time and a lot of luck, you’ll join the ranks of Jim Jones, Turkmenbashi, and Jesus!
Step 1: I am the (blank) thy (blank)
First up is choosing a figurehead to worship. A good idol will give you and your equally-desperate and gullible followers a combination of teacher, role model, and imaginary friend. Here are some candidates for the job.
Subject of Worship
Pros
Cons
God
Elegantly simple name; versatile powers; invisible, so they can’t prove he’s not talking to you
Jews and Christians tend to be a bit possessive of Him. Look how they reacted when Muslims changed his name, for Allah’s sake.
Fictional Character
Already well-known; more entertaining than real people; sectarian strife easily resolved through game of “who would win in a fight”
Copyright laws may inhibit construction of your Batman cathedral; St. Stifler unlikely to stand test of time.
Historical Figure
Can’t complain; already plausibly in Heaven; plenty of relics available if you act fast
You’d be surprised how popular depraved sexual indiscretions have been through the ages.
Step 2: In the Beginning was the Name
Once you get a mascot ironed out, it’s time to work out a name with which to sell your divine product. The proper name imbues a new faith with dignity, meaning, and industry buzz. Unless you have a cool name like Confucius or Buddha, don’t go with naming it after yourself. No one wants to join the First Church of Chuckianity or try to convert their friends to Weinberg-Hoffmanism. Instead, I’ve come up with some appropriately religious-sounding words to mix and match.
Truth-
-ism
Love-
-age
Hope-
-ology
Free-                                      
-itude
Sanct-
-orama
Good-
-To The Max
Morm-
-tastic
Obama-
-osexuality
Crunk-
-oflatterdaysaints
Step 3: Dogma – No, not the Kevin Smith one with Alanis Morissette
Having by now attracted a crowd with your snazzy name and charismatic ranting, they’re going to want some content. Your new religion will need a system of rules and virtues to help guide your new flock through the difficulties of life. It will also need silly, arbitrary rules that impede scientific progress or subjugate women for the hell of it if you want to hang with the big boys. Some examples of orthodoxy that’ll be sure to bring in the parishioners:
• Church clothes include Halloween costumes
• Reset the calendar to begin the year Jimi Hendrix died
• Confession given entirely through charades
• Begin every service with Green Lantern oath
• Some sort of vague admonition to resist oppression that could easily be reinterpreted to authorize bloody warfare
• Bring back Viking funerals – those were so boss!
• Sermons can discuss politics, but only those of 19th century Austria
• Maybe something about peace and love, if there’s time
With luck, you’ll soon have a loyal coterie of followers willing to obey your every command and buy you smokes. Next up: pricing isolated desert compounds and powdered drink mix. And remember, when the road gets rocky and the state troopers have almost made it through the outer wall, you never read this article and everything was God’s idea.
Trust me.
The GRE As Written by The Internet
**Reading Comprehension
**
After reading the following passages, choose the best answer for each question.
1.
Which of the following best summarizes the main point the author is trying to make?
A)“Zippers are a menace.”
B)“Proper pubic hair maintenance is important”
C)“kawaii ~*(^o_0^)#~~!!!!”
D)“I wish I had something to do besides make these.”
E)“This cat has Palsy.”
2.
Goku never thought he would feel this way about Vegeta, especially not after they both had been transformed into pregnant dragons. It was only when Vegetasaur’s tongue found its way to Gokudon’s taint that it dawned on him just how much he cared for him.Soon, Gokudon’s scaly nipples hardened like diamonds, and a glow began to take over him.
“It’s happening, Vegeta!”Gokudon shrieked.
“Do it.Give birth on me, Kakarot.”Vegetasaur cooed.
Little did either of them know that Captain Picard watched in the darkness.Except he was an adult baby.
The two lovers’ lack of knowledge of Picard’s gaze is known as:
A)Laissez Faire
B)Foreshadowing
C)Incredibly hot
D)Dramatic irony
E)Perestroika
**Sentence Completion
**
Choose the word or set of words for each blank that best fits the meaning of the sentence as a whole.
The Master Chief’s whole body shook. “I’m _________ inside of you!” he screamed. “I love you, _________!”
A)Orgasming, Hermione
B)Defecating, Xena Warior Princess
C)Copulating, The Cast of Cheers
D)Obfuscating, Jurisprudence
E)Twitterpating, Thumper
**Analogy
**
Choose the lettered pair that best expresses a relationship similar to that in the original pair.
Ubuntu : Vista ::
A)Helvetica : Arial
B)Resplendency : Groin Pain
C)Open Source : Apartheid South Africa
D)The way talking dogs are cute : The way talking cats are terrifying
E)LOL : ROFL, I WANT STEVE JOBS’S BABY INSIDE ME
**Analytical Writing
**
**Present your perspective one of the issues below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views.
**
1.“Critics of the environmentalist movement claim that industrial regulation hurts the economy more than it helps the planet.Respond to this claim using only actions surrounded in asterisks.”
- “Your W0man Will Be Stupefied By Your ErectionSuperViagra $2.27 vqh 6h0y”
3.“Just as a purging fire is sometimes necessary to maintain the health of a forest, perhaps it’s not such an injustice that I’m no longer a Wikipedia admin.”
- “Tolerance and progress, taken to extremes, are incompatible.With this in mind, troll the Neopets message boards.”
