As if finals weren’t bad enough, I had to get an infection in my scrotum as soon as classes ended. I first realized that there was a problem when I noticed that, every forty-five minutes or so, regardless of what I was doing, I got the sensation that someone had flicked my right testicle with all their fingerly might. Needless to say I set my studying aside and immediately made an appointment at UC Berkeley’s aptly named Tang Center or, as I like to call it, “Tang Center.”
I knew that diagnosing this problem, whatever it would turn out to be, would involve some fondling on the part of the physician, and since having a woman feel around my sack and then tell me what’s wrong with it is a horror I know all too well, I was hoping to see a sympathetic male doctor. Naturally, there were none available that day, and rather than live through an extra day of imaginary nut flicking I opted for an afternoon appointment with “Dr. Julie.” Oh, baby.
I soon found myself sitting atop an examination table sans trousers (there’s just something so uncomfortable about the feel of crinkly butcher paper against your bare bottom) with Dr. Julie poking and squeezing and looking for trouble. The exchange went something like this:
“Does this hurt?”
“No.”
“Does this hurt?”
“No.”
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“Ah. That’s your epididimis.”
“Ah. Well, you can let go of it now.”
Although the good doctor was 99% certain that it was epididimitis, she seemed to think that a prostate exam was also in order. The prostate exam, one of mankind’s more sinister developments, is a pleasure most men don’t get the opportunity to experience until age fifty, but I guess I’m just lucky. And so, I bent over as Dr. Julie went to work with a rubber glove and some lubricant, creating a level of discomfort that effectively destroyed any penchant I ever may have had for homosexual experimentation. Thankfully my prostate was in perfect working order, or at least it was once she stopped playing with it.
Diagnosis: epididimitis. A bacterial infection in the little doohickey that connects the testicle to the urethra. According to Dr. Julie it’s usually caused by chlamydia or gonorrhea, but since I’ve never been sexually active this particular bout was caused by some intrepid intestinal E. coli bacteria that somehow found their way down my urinary tract and decided to colonize my scrotum. Lousy imperialist bastards. Bitingly ironic, isn’t it? All through high school they tell me that abstinence is the best way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, and here I am, a twenty-year-old virgin with VD.
Just when I though I would sink into testicular despair, I suddenly got some wonderful news from the good doctor. I asked if there was any “behavior” I should be avoiding while the genitals heal, fearing that my daily visits to www.allgirlgirl.com would aggravate the infection. As it turns out, Dr. Julie explained, regular ejaculation would actually help treat the infection! Apparently this type of problem often appears in people who don’t ejaculate regularly (which makes me wonder if Catholic priests have permanent antibiotic prescriptions), and a steady export of manly mayonnaise would flush out the offending bacteria. FABULOUS! What began as a pain in the worst place imaginable turned out to be the ultimate justification for self-gratification. So there was my prescription: antibiotics, vitamin C, and porno. On my way out I coyly asked Dr. Julie if she or her nurses could give me any “extra help” in treating the infection, but she just smiled and offered me another prostate exam. God bless Dr. Julie, and God bless adventurous E. coli bacteria for giving me an excuse to look at porn instead of studying for finals.
You know those shirts that say “Baseball is Life” or “Football is Life”? Well, I want one that says “Stalking is Life.” Following a random cute person around is what makes classes worth going to. The possibility of seeing my stalkee(s) is often the only reason I bother going to school. You’ve all pursued the boring type of stalking (termed here “mental stalking”) where you just keep hoping you’ll run into that special someone, but here are some ways to actually make it happen.
If he’s a complete stranger:
This is straight out of _ Stalking 1A: Pathetic Obsessions._ Keep in mind that he may have been coming from a Monday-Wednesday-Friday or Tuesday-Thursday class. If you’ve been noticing this guy enough to want to marry him, then he’s probably following some sort of consistent schedule. It’s not just chance. It’s destiny.
Check other hangouts: If he sticks to one cafe, then keep going back. If the guy doesn’t stick to one cafe, then he is what is known as a “cafe ho,” and shouldn’t be bothered with.
If it’s a library love affair, there’s not much you can do except wait for him to go to the bathroom and then stick a book in his backpack. After he unwittingly sets off the alarm and gets hauled off by the police, you can post his bail and he’ll love you forever.
If you have a class with the poor bastard:
Sit where he sits: If he has a favorite seat, then sit there. Chances are he’ll sit right next to you, out of longing for proximity to that seat (but not to you). If he leaves the obligatory seat in between you two, put something there (candy, underwear, whatever). This will start a conversation. to wit: “Want some candy?” “Sure.” “Let’s get married then.” “OK.” Or: “I couldn’t help but notice you staring at my underwear. I think we should talk.” “You fucking sicko.”
Figure his name out: If there is a sign-in sheet, count back the seats to figure out which name is the Beautiful One’s. Then call him by name. He won’t know your name but will be surprised that you know his. He will then feel obligated to ask your name. You might even get a sweaty handshake out of it. Don’t wash that hand, though.
Until you figure his name out, you’ll need a made-up name for use when discussing your crush with friends. Try naming him by his hair color (“Mr. Green”, etc.). Or, by apparent parasite content (“Tickboy,” “Mr. Lice Guy”). This is Berkeley, after all.
Advanced stalking:
Do an online search: In this electronic age, search engines are an essential tool for any stalker. Your stalkee might be lame enough to have a webpage or something. The problem with this is that he might have a biblical name, which will lead Yahoo to present a variety of fundamentalist Christian websites. While these won’t help you in your stalking, they can be very entertaining.
Talk to him: What?!? That’s crazy! You’d have to be sick to go to that kind of trouble. Besides, it takes all the fun out of stalking. Covert action gives meaning to an otherwise dull existence. It also shields you from almost certain rejection. So get out there, muster up all the love in your heart, and make him sorry he ever crossed your path!
Prices of technology-based stocks have been officially declared “loony.” Leading the charge in this craze is Amazon.com, which closed last week at $4 billion per share, up from its opening price of 32 cents. Yahoo!, which 9 out of 10 investors thought was a chocolate drink one year ago, is now trading at $9 billion per share, and is expected to hit the trillion dollar mark by the middle of February.
Things are getting so out of control that the new company Milkshakes.com, whose IPO started trading at $13, shot up to $400 in two days. “It’s absolutely friggin’ boojie,” said Arnold Wilkins, of Smith Barney Fred & Dino. “That stupid company sells you milkshakes over the Internet! How the hell does that work? By the time it’s delivered, the damn shake is completely melted and spilled all over the box.”
Professional wrestler-turned-Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura has announced his first major project as governor: a plan to redesign Minnesota’s freeway system to make it more accessible to drivers.
“The way it is now,” Ventura explained during a press conference, “there are all these entrances and exits all over the state. Some of them are hard to find and tricky to get on. I plan to construct one massive on- and off-ramp in the center of the state, so everyone knows where to find it. This will really help avoid confusion. YEAHH!”
While Ventura’s staff support the project, the governor’s announcement has led many Minnesota residents to question their judgment. Said Minnesota expatriate Julia Asparagus, “I can’t believe I voted for this moron.”
Other projects on Ventura’s back burner include a rope ladder to the moon, a giant heater to keep the state warm during the winter and arm wrestling matches to settle disputes in the state assembly. Impeachment proceedings are expected to begin soon. Hopefully very soon.
The popular “Sex On Tuesday” column in the Daily Californian, also known as “The Only Thing In the Daily Cal That Ever Gets Read,” has a new author. Jenn Schindell, the previous writer, challenged Chancellor Robert Berdahl to give the position a try after he accused her column of being “less than edifying” at a recent ASUC Senate meeting. Berdahl agreed and, as of February 1st, the two will swap positions. Schindell will reportedly be running the university on a “condoms and lube for all” philosophy. Berdahl, when asked what insights he could offer on sex, gave the following reply: “I think kids these days jump into sex far too early. I didn’t do the dirty deed until I was in my early 40s and I’m glad I waited, because I came like a dragon.”
Tempers flared last week when an unnamed Berkeley student defecated on the BAMN table on Sproul Plaza. The incident followed a heated argument between the student and BAMN member Heather Bergman regarding the minority status of Eskimos on the Berkeley campus.
“Berkeley students have been taking shit from BAMN for too long,” the anonymous student told reporters. “I decided to give some of it back.” In reaction to this statement Bergman went off on another one of her long-winded diatribes, at which point most reporters left the scene.
The pooper in question faces charges of lewd conduct, indecent exposure, and shitting in public and is currently in the custody of the Berkeley Police Department. When asked about the D.A.’s plan of action, Alameda County Deputy D.A. Humberto Montoya said, “Poop is cool.” Jury selection is expected to begin next week.
The Berkeley Police Department has announced that there is a serial pillager on the loose in the Southside area. Victims say the pillager “rides a horse,” is “about 6’4″, dirty, with a long, heavy sword and big boots,” and resembles “a Viking.” An officer said that the serial pillager has not been apprehended, and that students should immediately call 911 if they see any suspicious characters riding on horseback with sword in hand.
On Monday morning, the pillager broke down the door of a house on the corner of Ellsworth and Dwight and then proceeded to ransack it. He smashed all the furniture, took all the gold, and raped all the women, according to one of the occupants of the home.
“He stole all my gold. And I had a lot of gold,” said the victim. “I asked him not to hurt me, and told him I would give him anything he wanted, but he just grunted. Then he took all my gold and raped all my women.”
The following day at a home on College and Haste, the serial pillager struck again. The modus operandi was similar, only this time, besides smashing all the furniture, taking all the gold, and raping all the women, he also took all the silver as well as a new pair of boots.
Police say they have no leads. They are afraid that if the pillager has the chance, he will engage in the popular Viking activity of throwing babies in the air and catching them on sharp sticks. Thus, UCPD urges all residents around UC Berkeley to hide their gold, women, and babies until the pillager is apprehended.
Berkeley Students Fighting For a Department of Pornography By Any Means Necessary is planning a sit-in on Sproul Plaza next week, says President Arthur Roerbacher. The group has been waging war with campus administrators and the Board of Regents for over a year in their struggle to establish a Department of Pornography. Such a department would be the first of its kind at any college or university in the United States.
Roerbacher, a junior majoring in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science, said that the administration is culturally intolerant and insensitive to diversity.
“This administration has clitorically superimposed its declaration of venereality upon the docents of the university,” Roerbacher said. “We are demanding ejaculation now, vis-a-vis the labial vestibular curriculum of the current regime. The rectal lubrication insofar as Seymour Butts is concerned is a legitimate procedure directed to induce the vesticular self-awareness that higher education shall nobly advance. But vaginal invectives directed towards post-menstruation will not be construed as an apophellation of erudition. We want a Department of Pornography by any means necessary.”
Administrators defended their refusal to create a Department of Pornography by citing a lack of funds and alleging that a curriculum consisting solely of pornography is inappropriate. Chancellor Berdahl has commented that, while he can sympathize with the students and would like to someday establish a minor in Wendy Whoppers Hardcore XXX Studies, the university simply does not have the funds to recruit new faculty.
A sit-in is going to be held Wednesday at 1 p.m. on the steps of Sproul Hall. All students are welcome. Hustler magazines and lubrication will be provided.
Former ASUC President Irami Osei-Frimpong has announced the formation of his new “Students for Evil” political party. The new student political group will be dedicated to the spread of evil throughout UC Berkeley.
“I simply did not feel that evil was being fairly represented in the ASUC,” said Frimpong. “According to some studies, over 65 percent of the students on campus believe evil is the most efficient means of government. I decided to form a new party to give evil a voice which has been absent for so long.”
Among the items on the party’s platform are an increase in funding for the forces of evil (CalPIRG), changing the school mascot from the Golden Bear to the Evil Git, construction of a nuclear waste facility at the Valley Life Sciences Building to generate revenue, and the construction of a more efficient transportation system to ship student funds down the toilet.
Approval ratings for “Students for Evil” have been very high. Students say they are excited about the new party and the opportunities it presents for the growth and funding of evil on campus.
“This is exactly the sort of organization I’d like to see in power,” said sophomore Irene Walton. “Good has been in power for a long time and look where that’s gotten us.”
The party is expected to make a strong showing in the next election. It has already announced Osei-Frimpong as its first presidential candidate and he is expected to win in a landslide. Among other notable figures is the party’s student senatorial candidate, David Cash.
Chancellor Robert Berdahl had little to say about the new party other than that he was pleased that UC Berkeley was so wonderfully diverse that its students would accept even the forces of evil with open arms.
