Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 8- Issue 5

Top Ten Other Things to Sue the University Over

March 1, 1999

  1. I skinned my knee!

  2. Courtney’s dirty whoredom

  3. Aiding and abetting the Prince of Norway
  4. Chancellor Berdhal’s Purple Probe (Ford, that is)
  5. The asbestos that may, at times, be present in the Res Halls
  6. Hiring a Mormon as the head football coach
  7. Botulism
  8. Period three days late
  9. Stealing the look and feel of MacOS
  10. Post-graduate ignorance
Volume 8- Issue 5

Top Ten Wisecracks That Can Get You Out of a Traffic Ticket

March 1, 1999

  1. Speeding? I didn’t even spill my beer!

  2. But Officer, all I want to do is have some fun.

  3. I had to speed cuz this car is stolen, and I just knocked off a liquor store… Oh, and your partner’s body is in the trunk.
  4. I have the sort of diarrhea they make History Channel documentaries about.
  5. No, dumbass, I was hoping you could tell me why you stopped me.
  6. Sure, the sign said “Stop,” but it didn’t say when to stop. I’m stopped now, so what’s the problem?
  7. Your mom was speeding.
  8. Your partner’s body is in the trunk.
  9. But I slowed down after I hit the kid.
  10. I’m the ambassador to Czxywmnrfistan
Volume 8- Issue 5

Top Ten TV Shows About Pigs

March 1, 1999
  1. Cops
  2. Dawson’s Corkscrewed Cock
  3. The Pig is Right
  4. Win Ben Swine’s Money
  5. Ally McSqueal
  6. Pigs Say the Darnedest Things
  7. Swinefeld
  8. When Pigs Attack
  9. The Snouter Limits
  10. Hoof’s the Boss?
Volume 8- Issue 5

Top Ten Things Said by the Voices in Your Head

March 1, 1999

  1. I wonder what it would feel like to rub sandpaper on my eyeballs.

  2. Thunder…Thunder…THUNDER… THUNDERCATS, HO!

  3. Now where’d I put my crack?
  4. Bite the leg, bite the leg…
  5. Goddamn cat.
  6. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people want my cock.
  7. It will hurt if I swallow…cough, cough…Mommy!
  8. Hey, I wonder what my best friend is doing in the restroom with that little girl. Ah, it’s probably none of my business.
  9. I pity the fool that don’t eat my cereal.
  10. Meow, meow, meow, meow…
Volume 8- Issue 5

Top Ten Alternative Birth Control Methods

March 1, 1999
  1. Non-alcoholic beer
  2. Smoothie with a free nonoxynol-9 supplement
  3. Not having sex
  4. Mountain Dew
  5. Yoshua sandwiched between you and your partner
  6. I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Diaphragm!
  7. Melted Mentos molded into a cervical plug
  8. Ninja Death Cage
  9. Cement
  10. Stop, drop, and roll