Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 20- Issue 1

Reallife

Realdoll

September 1, 2010
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The makers of Realdoll™ are pleased to announce the release of their long-awaited, one-sided-relationship-enhancing Reallife™ expansion series.  Finally, a way for you and your significant plaything to experience all the joys of a committed relationship with the same authentic feel and unparalleled anatomical accuracy our customers have sworn to come by.  Order in the next fourteen days and receive a year’s free subscription to our catalog plus 30% off groping and handling on your next purchase.

Realbaby

Feel like your relationship has reached a stalemate?  Tired of the same old dinner-and-a-movie, sex, rinse-thoroughly-with-a mild-detergent and repeat? Rekindle your romance with the tender delights and physically irreversible wonders of parenthood! Made with the same high quality silicone and genuine human hair as the original, each Realbaby is custom-made from one of eighteen heads and twelve haircolors to best match you and your rubber girlfriend’s genetic code. But that’s not all! Every Realbaby comes complete with:

Three Detachable Trimester Tummies For an authentic maternal appearance and months of weepy tension and insecurity.
Lactation Inserts Complete with milk duct installation kit and six starter packets of whipped cream.

Satisfy her irrational midnight cravings with this Eight Inch Pickle .
Tattered Replacement Vagina For realistic after-birth encounters. Afterbirth sold separately.

 

Realadultery

Has the onset of complacency left your love life lacking its jouissance?  Nothing puts the thrill back in a relationship like the tight-lipped suspicion of infidelity!  And while your doll can’t actually close her mouth, her usual protracted silences are sure to crackle with newfound resentment and hostility.  Order now and receive:   

Realadultressdoll Just like your original.  Except this model weighs twenty pounds less. 
Realfake Gym Membership Adds credibility to the lies about why you come home smelling like sweat and WD-40 every evening.
Your Incriminating Credit Card Bill Doubles as your actual bill for this product. Guaranteed to alienate not only your Realdoll but also your entire extended family!
Silica Butcher Knife For the climactic moment when your tangled web of lies is finally unraveled.  Handle unscrews to become dildo for use during inevitable make-up sex.

Realcounseling

Have intimacy issues that will take more than an extra dollop of Astroglide to fix? Our Realcounseling couples therapy sessions will give you the chance to work through any problem you can and do imagine. From her irresponsible spending to your increasingly violent reactions to synthetic polymers, our team of experts will manufacture the answers. Includes:

Real Counselor Sign up with one of our dubiously credentialed relationship specialists, now established in over 30 metropolitan areas. Our counselors aren’t just Real, they’re actually real!
Emotional Role-Playing Finger Puppets Use inanimate objects to act out situations you’re too self-conscious to act out with your Real inanimate object.
Blame and Forgiveness Faces Pack While her highly-articulated stainless steel joints already allow for a fair share of finger-pointing, these interchangeable expressions will add a whole new dimension to the synthetic healing process.
Tears Comes complete with funnel to refill bottle with tears of your own.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Google Blog

Schmoop

September 1, 2010
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Introducing Google Schmoop™

8/7/2010 02:54:00 PM

Hey Google Fans,

          The gang at Google is delighted to announce our new app. It’s called Google Schmoop™, and before you ask, “What’s Google Schmoop™?” try it for yourself. Just download any of our great Google products and we’ll automatically put it right on your computer. You might experience a brief slowdown while our hassle-free installation slowly re-educates your computer, but that should only last a few days. Still curious what Google Schmoop™ is? Don’t be!

            It wasn’t easy coming up with it, but we think that Google Schmoop™ will provide all of us an incredible opportunity to get involved in a new, Google world.

Best- Ed

Allegations Against Google Schmoop™

8/16/2010 11:27:00 AM

           There’s been some nasty stuff said about Google Schmoop™ recently and we at Google wanted a chance to clear the air. Just like all brand new programs, Schmoop™ has a few glitches, but that’s nothing we can’t fix. To give you the best internet experience possible, we’ve created this troubleshooting guide for Google Schmoop™:

Glitch: Google Schmoop™ is sending all of my private data straight to Google.

Quick Fix: Darn, that shouldn’t be happening! Click on File, Preferences, and then Privacy Settings. Check to make sure your filters are sending your private data to Verizon, then to Google, and you’re set!

Glitch: Google Schmoop™ has deleted all non-Google applications off my computer.

Quick Fix: Use only Google applications.

Glitch: Strange men are trying to break into my house.

Quick Fix: Let them! They’re just our newly trained Street View car drivers who, on top of keeping our Street Views as up to date as possible, are free to go into your house and search your hard drive.

Until we have these bugs sorted out, keep using our many other great Google products.

Best- Ed

Announcing Our Long-planned Corporate Expansion

8/22/2010 3:19:00 PM

           The overwhelming success of our Schmoop™ operation has made us feel that it was about time to reveal our exciting new plans for the future. These programs have been in the works for a while now and we hope that you will be as satisfied as we are in our effort to make your life a little Googlier.

    With the surprise launching of 14 new Google Earth Satellites, Google Schmoop™ is finally up and running at full capacity. Now, in addition to overseeing the majority of the world’s information and communication, we also oversee you. I guess you could call us The Overseers!

           Google Schmoop™ has given us the opportunity to remove anything from your computer that we think you’d find a bother, like pop-ups and human rights literature (see the end user license agreement here). We know such material would only be an obstacle for Google’s 5-Year Plan, and we here think that the best way to solve problems is to prevent them from ever happening.

           Because we want to help as many people as possible, we’ve decided to move the company out of our Mountain View headquarters and set up shop somewhere else. Namely, the inside of a secret volcano.

Best- Grand Overseer Ed

Volume 20- Issue 1

An Essay

written by someone who has had too many energy drinks

September 1, 2010
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Max Ebert

9/7/10

History 124B

The history of the Cold War is rich in mystery and complexity. Who started the war? How close were the Russians and Americans to destroying each other? How did the war play out in the political landscapes of Third World countries? These are all challenging questions that one might ponder while chugging a Red Bull at 3 A.M. the morning before a paper demanding the answers to such questions is due. But can a simple answer really be found? Based on the thousands of pages of assigned reading which I failed to complete this semester, I would argue that I’m going to need three more Red Bulls to know if it’s even possible to know that. Thesis: I am so tired. I am so goddamn tired.

Ho.ly.Shit.I.just.finished.allthreeofthose. Is it even possible to drink that many? Oh my God it is because I just did. Okay. Okay. The Cold War: communism versus capitalism. Truman versus that one guy. The CIA versus the Middle Passage and the burgeoning American slave trade. Wait, shit shit shit. That’s my other class. Wow, am I shaking?

Yep, I’m totally shaking. Did you know that 5-Hour Energy is 8333% of your daily Vitamin B12? Furthermore, did you know that two 5-Hour Energies is 16666% of your daily Vitamin B12? That can’t be right. Oh fuck, it is. How much is too much? How much time did it take the Soviet Union to develop a fully functioning system of satellite states? How much energy could an energy drink drink if an energy could drink help me Jesus. Calm down. There’s only one solution: Switch. to. Rockstar.

While historians such as Melvyn P. Leffler have posited that no history of the Cold War can ever be written without nationalist bias, I just googled pictures of babies who got hit with bombs. What a downer. They’re bleeding, like, everywhere. Esteemed U.S. president Dwight D. Eisenhower I think once stated, “Only a Communist bleeds red blood.”1 Indeed, Communists are losers, especially when they’re babies.2 Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE! Red blood. Red Bull. RED bull. RED BULL!!! They’re everywhere. The Communists are back and they’re giving us wiiings!3 My heart. Oh God. My heart.

Keep it together, man. Focus. Hey, How I Met Your Mother is on!4 I don’t have time to watch How I Met Your Mother. I bet I can work on this essay while I watch How I Met Your Mother. In his book The Cold War: An Oral History, John Gaddis records the following conversation with his father, an aging veteran of the Cold War:

_Back in the war, you never knew how things were gonna turn out. You never knew if the nuclear holocaust was just     around the corner, or who your mother was. Sometimes I thought I was minutes away from death. Sometimes I thought  Ted was finally going to reveal that Robin was the mother of his children. And when are Lily and Marshall going to have a baby? I nearly lost my leg in Korea, and they can’t give Barney a bigger role in the show? Shit, I need to turn off the TV and finish this essay._5

  

So what do I know about the Cold War, you may ask? The real question is what do you know about the Cold War, Professor McSmartyPants. Seriously, I didn’t go to class, and if you could tell me it would really help me out.

In conclusion, this paper is due in fifteen minutes.

  
1.     See… course reader?
2.     See babies. Babies suck.  
3.     Like in Red Dawn.
4.     on Hulu after I searched for it. 
5.     Starting on 9/8/10, this essay may be found at howimetyourmotherfanfic.net.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Top Ten Books About Pregnancy Gone Horribly Awry

September 1, 2010
  1. Twilight: Breaking Dawn
  2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of C-Sections
  3. Pride and Prolapsed Uterus
  4. One Hundred Years of Sonograms
  5. The Unbearable Tightness of Pushing
  6. The Fetus With the Dragon Tattoo
  7. The Postpartum Depression Always Rings Twice
  8. Fear and Loathing in Labor
  9. Sextuplets, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs
  10. Infinite Gestation
Volume 20- Issue 1

Top Ten Signs You Might Have Pledged a Vampire Fraternity

September 1, 2010
  1. Guys seemed nervous when you suggested “Steak Night.”
  2. Big theme party is always “Immortal Bros and Neck-Bitten Hoes.”
  3. Hell Week actually takes place in Hell.
  4. The house has a firm rule about never letting Wesley Snipes inside.
  5. Guys in coffins are sleeping, not masturbating.
  6. Pledge scavenger hunt just involves robbing Bay Area blood banks.
  7. You’re the only house that never shows up to a party uninvited.
  8. All the brothers work out, but none have mirrors in their rooms.
  9. Brothers avoid daylight whether or not last night was a kegger.
  10. Bloody Marys are served suspiciously warm.
Volume 20- Issue 1

Minutes of the Drunk Illuminati

September 1, 2010
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Present: Alexander the Great, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Ulysses S. Grant, John Wayne, Dean Martin, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Jackson Pollock, Jimi Hendrix, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Jim Morrison, Jack Kerouac, Elvis Presley.

8:02 Opening beers distributed. Alexander the Great calls the meeting to order and reads the Association Overview: “Millennia ago, I became history’s first real and true alcoholic. Unbeknownst to me at the time I had stumbled onto nature’s great secret: that through heavy drinking one can cheat death and live a life of eternal Bacchanalianism.  As the greatest lushes and drunkards of history we have taken, with the gift of eternal life, the responsibility of ruling the world from the shadows. We have all faked our own deaths and subtly poisoned the less worthy drunks of the world in order to keep our secret, so that we, the great minds of history, can keep the Drunk Illuminati in its rightful position of power and the world in perfect order.”

After-opening beers distributed. Floor opened to motions.

Topic opened by Churchill: “How much longer should we allow this current economic turmoil to continue before allowing the resurgence of the world economy?”

After discussion it is decided unanimously to keep the economy faltering until the common man has sufficiently grasped the error of the current, destructive capitalist system. Celebratory beers distributed.

Topic opened by Grant: “When shall we begin the third World War?”

After open discussion it’s decided 8 to 6 to delay the next world war until 2150 when Bulgaria has amassed enough power to fill the vacuum left by the imminent destruction of the current superpowers. Celebratory beers distributed.

Motioned by Kerouac: “I think it’s time that we lowered the American drinking age, man. It’s unfair that they can get sent to war but they can’t, like, have a drink.”

Objection by Poe: “Who cares? Most of us are hundreds of years old!”

Motion fails 13 to 1. Celebratory beers distributed. Round of shots distributed to celebrate successful round of beers.

Motioned by Hendrix: “We should have another round right now!”

Motion passes unanimously. Celebratory shots distributed.

Motioned by Senator McCarthy: “We need to do something about these Goddamn Communists!”

Objection by Stalin: “Dude, just shut the fuck up.”

Motion retracted. Celebratory beer bong busted out.

Motioned by Hemingway: “I bet you guys I could jump like fucking ten of these chairs.”

Objection by Wayne: “Fuck you, no way.”

Further testing decided on. Results: He couldn’t, possible fracture. Vote of 13 with 1 abstention decided to deal with that later. Empathy beer bong passed.

Motioned by Morrison: “DUDE, did you guys know that the Double Stuf Oreos have the same amount of cream as regular ones?”

Objection by Presley: “NOOOOOO FUCK YOU”

Blows exchanged. Fight broken up by Wayne. Bro-hugs and “I’m sorry bro, I fucking love you”s exchanged. Conflict resolution Jager Bombs distributed.

8:35 Meeting brought to a close. Martin, Hendrix, Morrison, and Presley share an off-key harmony of “We Are the Champions.” Churchill holds back Stalin’s hair as he vomits. Writers compare dick sizes to determine literary merit. Remaining members have found their place to crash.

Volume 20- Issue 1

UC Regent Cries Himself to Sleep at Night

September 1, 2010
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In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.

“It was wrong to take so much money from the little people,” Sullivan said. “I’ve tried to distract my sorrow by expanding my collection of gold bars covered in diamonds, but it’s just not working.”

Sullivan, along with the rest of the Board of Regents, was recently discovered to have an unconscionably high salary. Sullivan was reportedly taking home $787,637 plus benefits, as well as a secret salary worth twice his regular salary. He also received 20 vacation weeks a year for “super-yacht maintenance.”

“I needed those vacation days to escape my deep regret,” he said. “There is no better way to get rid of grief than a three-month vacation on your own private island. I highly recommend it.”

Sullivan began to feel remorse after imagining how the tuition raises would affect him if he were still a student. He speculated that he would no longer be able to maintain the upkeep for the wildlife exhibit he houses in the backyard of his Berkeley Hills mansion, his fleet of vintage B-52 bombers, or other small luxuries. Sullivan supposed his family might feel the pain as well.

“I would have to sell one of my football teams!” said Petunia Sullivan, one of Sullivan’s wives.

No matter how decadent students consider his actions, Sullivan asked that they take pity on him.

“I truly am sorry,” Sullivan said, as he blew his nose into a crisp thousand-dollar bill.

Volume 20- Issue 1

CNN Faces Fines Over Portrayal of Muslim as Human Being

September 1, 2010
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CNN is facing steep consequences this week for airing a report which failed to meet the FCC’s mandatory Muslim otherness requirement.  During a ten-minute piece on the opening of a halal butcher shop, New York resident and practicing Muslim Mohammed Amman Hassan was shown engaging in completely average activities, including paying bills and selling meats in his new shop.  In flagrant disregard of FCC policy, the piece did not contain any images to make the viewer distrustful of Hassan or his religion at large, such as the burning of American flags or furious praying to a picture of Osama bin Laden.

“CNN brought this on themselves when they aired a piece about a Muslim without the mandatory four pieces of orientalist imagery,” said a representative of the FCC. “The American way of life needs protection now more than ever, and the best way to do that is to make all other ways of life seem scary and wrong.  The FCC works tirelessly to enforce otherness requirements, and CNN can’t even be bothered to show a few flashes of robed men cutting off hands?”

The pending fines against CNN are only the latest in a line of violations of the otherness requirement. A piece shown on MSNBC in early June depicted Africa, but failed to show sufficient amounts of poverty or children covered in flies. MSNBC’s parent station NBC committed a similar offense during recent coverage of a gay marriage debate, which contained no stock footage of shirtless men dancing in short shorts.

Bill O’Reilly, whose show The O’Reilly Factor is the only news program currently on the air that has never fallen short of otherness quotas, was quick to comment. “Frankly CNN’s effort to make Muslims look like real people disgusts me.  I’ve spent a lot of time blaming a religion of over a billion people for the actions of a handful of radicals, and I will not have the liberal media ruin it with ‘tolerance’.”

Volume 20- Issue 1

Anthropologist Does Trendy Research

September 1, 2010
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Controversial anthropologist George Burris released a new study Friday on the appearance of prehistoric man, advancing a theory that runs counter to Dr. Robert Figerman’s previous anthropological claim that “a Neanderthal dressed in a coat and fedora would be indistinguishable from modern man.” Burris’s report counters that it would not blend in because it would look like a complete douchebag.

“Look,” said Dr. Burris, “Neanderthals may not have had the mental capacity to understand the flow of time, but even they weren’t tacky enough to wear something as passé as a fedora.”

“This paper is not only poorly researched, but rooted in blatant subjectivity,” responded Dr. Figerman, awkwardly fidgeting with his fedora.

Burris’s study goes on to propose that based on genetic predisposition there is no reason that Neanderthals, rather than fedora wearers, should have been subjected to species termination. “Jason Mraz looking shmucks,” he is quoted as saying in an unrelated interview.

Dr. Burris’s new work is a follow up to his 2006 paper: “If Homo Erectus Wore Aviators It Would Look Like an Asshole.”