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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 20- Issue 1

Reallife

Realdoll

September 1, 2010
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The makers of Realdoll™ are pleased to announce the release of their long-awaited, one-sided-relationship-enhancing Reallife™ expansion series.  Finally, a way for you and your significant plaything to experience all the joys of a committed relationship with the same authentic feel and unparalleled anatomical accuracy our customers have sworn to come by.  Order in the next fourteen days and receive a year’s free subscription to our catalog plus 30% off groping and handling on your next purchase.

Realbaby

Feel like your relationship has reached a stalemate?  Tired of the same old dinner-and-a-movie, sex, rinse-thoroughly-with-a mild-detergent and repeat? Rekindle your romance with the tender delights and physically irreversible wonders of parenthood! Made with the same high quality silicone and genuine human hair as the original, each Realbaby is custom-made from one of eighteen heads and twelve haircolors to best match you and your rubber girlfriend’s genetic code. But that’s not all! Every Realbaby comes complete with:

Three Detachable Trimester Tummies For an authentic maternal appearance and months of weepy tension and insecurity.
Lactation Inserts Complete with milk duct installation kit and six starter packets of whipped cream.

Satisfy her irrational midnight cravings with this Eight Inch Pickle .
Tattered Replacement Vagina For realistic after-birth encounters. Afterbirth sold separately.

 

Realadultery

Has the onset of complacency left your love life lacking its jouissance?  Nothing puts the thrill back in a relationship like the tight-lipped suspicion of infidelity!  And while your doll can’t actually close her mouth, her usual protracted silences are sure to crackle with newfound resentment and hostility.  Order now and receive:   

Realadultressdoll Just like your original.  Except this model weighs twenty pounds less. 
Realfake Gym Membership Adds credibility to the lies about why you come home smelling like sweat and WD-40 every evening.
Your Incriminating Credit Card Bill Doubles as your actual bill for this product. Guaranteed to alienate not only your Realdoll but also your entire extended family!
Silica Butcher Knife For the climactic moment when your tangled web of lies is finally unraveled.  Handle unscrews to become dildo for use during inevitable make-up sex.

Realcounseling

Have intimacy issues that will take more than an extra dollop of Astroglide to fix? Our Realcounseling couples therapy sessions will give you the chance to work through any problem you can and do imagine. From her irresponsible spending to your increasingly violent reactions to synthetic polymers, our team of experts will manufacture the answers. Includes:

Real Counselor Sign up with one of our dubiously credentialed relationship specialists, now established in over 30 metropolitan areas. Our counselors aren’t just Real, they’re actually real!
Emotional Role-Playing Finger Puppets Use inanimate objects to act out situations you’re too self-conscious to act out with your Real inanimate object.
Blame and Forgiveness Faces Pack While her highly-articulated stainless steel joints already allow for a fair share of finger-pointing, these interchangeable expressions will add a whole new dimension to the synthetic healing process.
Tears Comes complete with funnel to refill bottle with tears of your own.

Volume 20- Issue 1

What I think I learned from my big bro

September 1, 2010

The Brothers of Sigma Epsilon are dedicated to community service, developing leadership, and working off their hazing citation fines. That’s why we teamed up with the Big Brothers Foundation to teach Berkeley’s underprivileged children a few life lessons. To prove the experience was valuable and certifiable under disciplinary council bylaws, the brothers had their “little bros” write down what they learned from the experience.

Cooties are real! Chad had to get a special shot after having too many girlfriends.
-Fred, 6

A bull is a boy cow, a doe is a girl deer, and a bitch is a girl who won’t sleep with you.
-John, 8

You might think doing coke makes you look cool, but it doesn’t. It makes you look cool and rich.
-Harmony, 7

I love my daddy! No homo.
-Kyle, 7

Timmy mixed bike-a-din and socky bombs and he had to take a cooooold shower.
-Sarah, 9

Blake ate a cat! It was good but it had too many hairs.
-David, 6

I learned that my daddy plays beer pong all wrong. You’re supposed to pour one beer into lots of cups and throw balls at it. Not lots of beers into one cup and then get sad.
-Hayden, 5

Girls are dumb.
-Samantha, 8

Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, I also threw up.
-Aaron, 9

I wanna go to college like my bro so I never have to grow up either!
-Lukas, 8

Volume 20- Issue 1

Google Blog

Schmoop

September 1, 2010
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Introducing Google Schmoop™

8/7/2010 02:54:00 PM

Hey Google Fans,

          The gang at Google is delighted to announce our new app. It’s called Google Schmoop™, and before you ask, “What’s Google Schmoop™?” try it for yourself. Just download any of our great Google products and we’ll automatically put it right on your computer. You might experience a brief slowdown while our hassle-free installation slowly re-educates your computer, but that should only last a few days. Still curious what Google Schmoop™ is? Don’t be!

            It wasn’t easy coming up with it, but we think that Google Schmoop™ will provide all of us an incredible opportunity to get involved in a new, Google world.

Best- Ed

Allegations Against Google Schmoop™

8/16/2010 11:27:00 AM

           There’s been some nasty stuff said about Google Schmoop™ recently and we at Google wanted a chance to clear the air. Just like all brand new programs, Schmoop™ has a few glitches, but that’s nothing we can’t fix. To give you the best internet experience possible, we’ve created this troubleshooting guide for Google Schmoop™:

Glitch: Google Schmoop™ is sending all of my private data straight to Google.

Quick Fix: Darn, that shouldn’t be happening! Click on File, Preferences, and then Privacy Settings. Check to make sure your filters are sending your private data to Verizon, then to Google, and you’re set!

Glitch: Google Schmoop™ has deleted all non-Google applications off my computer.

Quick Fix: Use only Google applications.

Glitch: Strange men are trying to break into my house.

Quick Fix: Let them! They’re just our newly trained Street View car drivers who, on top of keeping our Street Views as up to date as possible, are free to go into your house and search your hard drive.

Until we have these bugs sorted out, keep using our many other great Google products.

Best- Ed

Announcing Our Long-planned Corporate Expansion

8/22/2010 3:19:00 PM

           The overwhelming success of our Schmoop™ operation has made us feel that it was about time to reveal our exciting new plans for the future. These programs have been in the works for a while now and we hope that you will be as satisfied as we are in our effort to make your life a little Googlier.

    With the surprise launching of 14 new Google Earth Satellites, Google Schmoop™ is finally up and running at full capacity. Now, in addition to overseeing the majority of the world’s information and communication, we also oversee you. I guess you could call us The Overseers!

           Google Schmoop™ has given us the opportunity to remove anything from your computer that we think you’d find a bother, like pop-ups and human rights literature (see the end user license agreement here). We know such material would only be an obstacle for Google’s 5-Year Plan, and we here think that the best way to solve problems is to prevent them from ever happening.

           Because we want to help as many people as possible, we’ve decided to move the company out of our Mountain View headquarters and set up shop somewhere else. Namely, the inside of a secret volcano.

Best- Grand Overseer Ed

Volume 20- Issue 1

Soylent Co. Denies Outrageous Claims

September 1, 2010
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In response to recent allegations concerning the sources of an already-dwindling food supply, the Soylent Corporation has released a statement refuting “the heinous claims besmirching our fine and delicious product.”

At the center of the controversy is Soylent Green, the latest addition to the Soylent Co. food-like product family, with an ingredient list that includes a high-energy aquatic plankton, Green No. 3 coloring, and absolutely nothing else.

“Soylent Green is not, nor has it ever been, anything but the most nutritious plankton in the oceans, which I assure you were unaffected by the terrible environmental disaster that has ravaged every other inch of this doomed planet,” said Soylent spokesperson Robert Packston.  “Oh, and pay no attention to those mysterious trucks leaving our suicide farms.  They are completely unrelated.”

These remarks were made in direct response to the charges leveled by Detective Ty Thorn of the New York City Police Department, whose violent outburst Tuesday has corresponded to a noticeable increase in wafer-related rioting, which has in turn corresponded to a noticeable increase in actions taken by the garbage truck riot police.

NYPD Police Chief Brian Hatcher, however, has yet to investigate the validity of Thorn’s claims.

“The character of these ravings is far too hysterical to be taken seriously,” Hatcher stated.  “He just did not give a convincing enough performance.”

Volume 20- Issue 1

UC Regent Cries Himself to Sleep at Night

September 1, 2010
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In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.

“It was wrong to take so much money from the little people,” Sullivan said. “I’ve tried to distract my sorrow by expanding my collection of gold bars covered in diamonds, but it’s just not working.”

Sullivan, along with the rest of the Board of Regents, was recently discovered to have an unconscionably high salary. Sullivan was reportedly taking home $787,637 plus benefits, as well as a secret salary worth twice his regular salary. He also received 20 vacation weeks a year for “super-yacht maintenance.”

“I needed those vacation days to escape my deep regret,” he said. “There is no better way to get rid of grief than a three-month vacation on your own private island. I highly recommend it.”

Sullivan began to feel remorse after imagining how the tuition raises would affect him if he were still a student. He speculated that he would no longer be able to maintain the upkeep for the wildlife exhibit he houses in the backyard of his Berkeley Hills mansion, his fleet of vintage B-52 bombers, or other small luxuries. Sullivan supposed his family might feel the pain as well.

“I would have to sell one of my football teams!” said Petunia Sullivan, one of Sullivan’s wives.

No matter how decadent students consider his actions, Sullivan asked that they take pity on him.

“I truly am sorry,” Sullivan said, as he blew his nose into a crisp thousand-dollar bill.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Top Fifteen Capital Reasons to Leave Your Lover

September 1, 2010
  1. Just Canberra listening to him anymore
  2. She’s a Kathmandude
  3. Seoul-less
  4. Has Amman on the side
  5. Taipei personality
  6. Baghdaddy issues
  7. Djibouti and told all his friends
  8. Won’t do the Mogadishes
  9. Havana affair
  10. Unable to Copenhagen
  11. Islamabad in bed
  12. Starting to get Hanoi-ing
  13. InfiDelhity
  14. Londoesn’t listen
  15. Un-Rome-antic
Volume 20- Issue 1

CNN Faces Fines Over Portrayal of Muslim as Human Being

September 1, 2010
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CNN is facing steep consequences this week for airing a report which failed to meet the FCC’s mandatory Muslim otherness requirement.  During a ten-minute piece on the opening of a halal butcher shop, New York resident and practicing Muslim Mohammed Amman Hassan was shown engaging in completely average activities, including paying bills and selling meats in his new shop.  In flagrant disregard of FCC policy, the piece did not contain any images to make the viewer distrustful of Hassan or his religion at large, such as the burning of American flags or furious praying to a picture of Osama bin Laden.

“CNN brought this on themselves when they aired a piece about a Muslim without the mandatory four pieces of orientalist imagery,” said a representative of the FCC. “The American way of life needs protection now more than ever, and the best way to do that is to make all other ways of life seem scary and wrong.  The FCC works tirelessly to enforce otherness requirements, and CNN can’t even be bothered to show a few flashes of robed men cutting off hands?”

The pending fines against CNN are only the latest in a line of violations of the otherness requirement. A piece shown on MSNBC in early June depicted Africa, but failed to show sufficient amounts of poverty or children covered in flies. MSNBC’s parent station NBC committed a similar offense during recent coverage of a gay marriage debate, which contained no stock footage of shirtless men dancing in short shorts.

Bill O’Reilly, whose show The O’Reilly Factor is the only news program currently on the air that has never fallen short of otherness quotas, was quick to comment. “Frankly CNN’s effort to make Muslims look like real people disgusts me.  I’ve spent a lot of time blaming a religion of over a billion people for the actions of a handful of radicals, and I will not have the liberal media ruin it with ‘tolerance’.”

Volume 20- Issue 1

Anthropologist Does Trendy Research

September 1, 2010
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Controversial anthropologist George Burris released a new study Friday on the appearance of prehistoric man, advancing a theory that runs counter to Dr. Robert Figerman’s previous anthropological claim that “a Neanderthal dressed in a coat and fedora would be indistinguishable from modern man.” Burris’s report counters that it would not blend in because it would look like a complete douchebag.

“Look,” said Dr. Burris, “Neanderthals may not have had the mental capacity to understand the flow of time, but even they weren’t tacky enough to wear something as passé as a fedora.”

“This paper is not only poorly researched, but rooted in blatant subjectivity,” responded Dr. Figerman, awkwardly fidgeting with his fedora.

Burris’s study goes on to propose that based on genetic predisposition there is no reason that Neanderthals, rather than fedora wearers, should have been subjected to species termination. “Jason Mraz looking shmucks,” he is quoted as saying in an unrelated interview.

Dr. Burris’s new work is a follow up to his 2006 paper: “If Homo Erectus Wore Aviators It Would Look Like an Asshole.”

Volume 20- Issue 1

Top Ten Signs You Might Have Pledged a Vampire Fraternity

September 1, 2010
  1. Guys seemed nervous when you suggested “Steak Night.”
  2. Big theme party is always “Immortal Bros and Neck-Bitten Hoes.”
  3. Hell Week actually takes place in Hell.
  4. The house has a firm rule about never letting Wesley Snipes inside.
  5. Guys in coffins are sleeping, not masturbating.
  6. Pledge scavenger hunt just involves robbing Bay Area blood banks.
  7. You’re the only house that never shows up to a party uninvited.
  8. All the brothers work out, but none have mirrors in their rooms.
  9. Brothers avoid daylight whether or not last night was a kegger.
  10. Bloody Marys are served suspiciously warm.