Minutes of the Drunk Illuminati

September 1, 2010

Present: Alexander the Great, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Ulysses S. Grant, John Wayne, Dean Martin, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Jackson Pollock, Jimi Hendrix, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Jim Morrison, Jack Kerouac, Elvis Presley.

8:02 Opening beers distributed. Alexander the Great calls the meeting to order and reads the Association Overview: “Millennia ago, I became history’s first real and true alcoholic. Unbeknownst to me at the time I had stumbled onto nature’s great secret: that through heavy drinking one can cheat death and live a life of eternal Bacchanalianism. As the greatest lushes and drunkards of history we have taken, with the gift of eternal life, the responsibility of ruling the world from the shadows. We have all faked our own deaths and subtly poisoned the less worthy drunks of the world in order to keep our secret, so that we, the great minds of history, can keep the Drunk Illuminati in its rightful position of power and the world in perfect order.”

After-opening beers distributed. Floor opened to motions.

Topic opened by Churchill: “How much longer should we allow this current economic turmoil to continue before allowing the resurgence of the world economy?”

After discussion it is decided unanimously to keep the economy faltering until the common man has sufficiently grasped the error of the current, destructive capitalist system. Celebratory beers distributed.

Topic opened by Grant: “When shall we begin the third World War?”

After open discussion it’s decided 8 to 6 to delay the next world war until 2150 when Bulgaria has amassed enough power to fill the vacuum left by the imminent destruction of the current superpowers. Celebratory beers distributed.

Motioned by Kerouac: “I think it’s time that we lowered the American drinking age, man. It’s unfair that they can get sent to war but they can’t, like, have a drink.”

Objection by Poe: “Who cares? Most of us are hundreds of years old!”

Motion fails 13 to 1. Celebratory beers distributed. Round of shots distributed to celebrate successful round of beers.

Motioned by Hendrix: “We should have another round right now!”

Motion passes unanimously. Celebratory shots distributed.

Motioned by Senator McCarthy: “We need to do something about these Goddamn Communists!”

Objection by Stalin: “Dude, just shut the fuck up.”

Motion retracted. Celebratory beer bong busted out.

Motioned by Hemingway: “I bet you guys I could jump like fucking ten of these chairs.”

Objection by Wayne: “Fuck you, no way.”

Further testing decided on. Results: He couldn’t, possible fracture. Vote of 13 with 1 abstention decided to deal with that later. Empathy beer bong passed.

Motioned by Morrison: “DUDE, did you guys know that the Double Stuf Oreos have the same amount of cream as regular ones?”

Objection by Presley: “NOOOOOO FUCK YOU”

Blows exchanged. Fight broken up by Wayne. Bro-hugs and “I’m sorry bro, I fucking love you”s exchanged. Conflict resolution Jager Bombs distributed.

8:35 Meeting brought to a close. Martin, Hendrix, Morrison, and Presley share an off-key harmony of “We Are the Champions.” Churchill holds back Stalin’s hair as he vomits. Writers compare dick sizes to determine literary merit. Remaining members have found their place to crash.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Google Blog

Schmoop

September 1, 2010

feature, Will Kuffel

Introducing Google Schmoop™

8/7/2010 02:54:00 PM

Hey Google Fans,

The gang at Google is delighted to announce our new app. It’s called Google Schmoop™, and before you ask, “What’s Google Schmoop™?” try it for yourself. Just download any of our great Google products and we’ll automatically put it right on your computer. You might experience a brief slowdown while our hassle-free installation slowly re-educates your computer, but that should only last a few days. Still curious what Google Schmoop™ is? Don’t be!

It wasn’t easy coming up with it, but we think that Google Schmoop™ will provide all of us an incredible opportunity to get involved in a new, Google world.

Best- Ed

Allegations Against Google Schmoop™

8/16/2010 11:27:00 AM

There’s been some nasty stuff said about Google Schmoop™ recently and we at Google wanted a chance to clear the air. Just like all brand new programs, Schmoop™ has a few glitches, but that’s nothing we can’t fix. To give you the best internet experience possible, we’ve created this troubleshooting guide for Google Schmoop™:

Glitch: Google Schmoop™ is sending all of my private data straight to Google.

Quick Fix: Darn, that shouldn’t be happening! Click on File, Preferences, and then Privacy Settings. Check to make sure your filters are sending your private data to Verizon, then to Google, and you’re set!

Glitch: Google Schmoop™ has deleted all non-Google applications off my computer.

Quick Fix: Use only Google applications.

Glitch: Strange men are trying to break into my house.

Quick Fix: Let them! They’re just our newly trained Street View car drivers who, on top of keeping our Street Views as up to date as possible, are free to go into your house and search your hard drive.

Until we have these bugs sorted out, keep using our many other great Google products.

Best- Ed

Announcing Our Long-planned Corporate Expansion

8/22/2010 3:19:00 PM

The overwhelming success of our Schmoop™ operation has made us feel that it was about time to reveal our exciting new plans for the future. These programs have been in the works for a while now and we hope that you will be as satisfied as we are in our effort to make your life a little Googlier.

With the surprise launching of 14 new Google Earth Satellites, Google Schmoop™ is finally up and running at full capacity. Now, in addition to overseeing the majority of the world’s information and communication, we also oversee you. I guess you could call us The Overseers!

Google Schmoop™ has given us the opportunity to remove anything from your computer that we think you’d find a bother, like pop-ups and human rights literature (see the end user license agreement here). We know such material would only be an obstacle for Google’s 5-Year Plan, and we here think that the best way to solve problems is to prevent them from ever happening.

Because we want to help as many people as possible, we’ve decided to move the company out of our Mountain View headquarters and set up shop somewhere else. Namely, the inside of a secret volcano.

Best- Grand Overseer Ed

Volume 20- Issue 1

CNN Faces Fines Over Portrayal of Muslim as Human Being

September 1, 2010

newsflash, Woodrow Currie

CNN is facing steep consequences this week for airing a report which failed to meet the FCC’s mandatory Muslim otherness requirement. During a ten-minute piece on the opening of a halal butcher shop, New York resident and practicing Muslim Mohammed Amman Hassan was shown engaging in completely average activities, including paying bills and selling meats in his new shop. In flagrant disregard of FCC policy, the piece did not contain any images to make the viewer distrustful of Hassan or his religion at large, such as the burning of American flags or furious praying to a picture of Osama bin Laden.

“CNN brought this on themselves when they aired a piece about a Muslim without the mandatory four pieces of orientalist imagery,” said a representative of the FCC. “The American way of life needs protection now more than ever, and the best way to do that is to make all other ways of life seem scary and wrong. The FCC works tirelessly to enforce otherness requirements, and CNN can’t even be bothered to show a few flashes of robed men cutting off hands?”

The pending fines against CNN are only the latest in a line of violations of the otherness requirement. A piece shown on MSNBC in early June depicted Africa, but failed to show sufficient amounts of poverty or children covered in flies. MSNBC’s parent station NBC committed a similar offense during recent coverage of a gay marriage debate, which contained no stock footage of shirtless men dancing in short shorts.

Bill O’Reilly, whose show The O’Reilly Factor is the only news program currently on the air that has never fallen short of otherness quotas, was quick to comment. “Frankly CNN’s effort to make Muslims look like real people disgusts me. I’ve spent a lot of time blaming a religion of over a billion people for the actions of a handful of radicals, and I will not have the liberal media ruin it with ‘tolerance’.”

Volume 20- Issue 1

What I think I learned from my big bro

September 1, 2010

feature

The Brothers of Sigma Epsilon are dedicated to community service, developing leadership, and working off their hazing citation fines. That’s why we teamed up with the Big Brothers Foundation to teach Berkeley’s underprivileged children a few life lessons. To prove the experience was valuable and certifiable under disciplinary council bylaws, the brothers had their “little bros” write down what they learned from the experience.

Cooties are real! Chad had to get a special shot after having too many girlfriends.
-Fred, 6

A bull is a boy cow, a doe is a girl deer, and a bitch is a girl who won’t sleep with you.
-John, 8

You might think doing coke makes you look cool, but it doesn’t. It makes you look cool and rich.
-Harmony, 7

I love my daddy! No homo.
-Kyle, 7

Timmy mixed bike-a-din and socky bombs and he had to take a cooooold shower.
-Sarah, 9

Blake ate a cat! It was good but it had too many hairs.
-David, 6

I learned that my daddy plays beer pong all wrong. You’re supposed to pour one beer into lots of cups and throw balls at it. Not lots of beers into one cup and then get sad.
-Hayden, 5

Girls are dumb.
-Samantha, 8

Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, I also threw up.
-Aaron, 9

I wanna go to college like my bro so I never have to grow up either!
-Lukas, 8

Volume 20- Issue 1

Top Ten Frank Sinatra Songs About Substance Abuse

September 1, 2010

top ten

I Get A Kick Out Of Glue
They Can’t Toke That Away From Me
That’s Crack-Whore-Ay
Too Dosed For Comfort
(Dancing) Tweak to Tweak
I’ve Shot You Under My Skin
It Was A Very Good Beer
Have Yourself A Merry Little Crystal Meth
I’ve Got The World In A Syringe
Fry Me To The Moon

Volume 20- Issue 1

Spend the Holidays with Ayn Rand

September 1, 2010

feature, Hayden Greif-Neill

Christmas

Billy Rand: Hooray! It’s Christmas!

Ayn Rand: Merry Christmas, Billy. It is time for you to unwrap your gifts.

Billy: Oh boy! [rips open present] Wh-what is this?

Ayn: It is a job application. Participation in the free economy is the greatest gift your “Santa Claus” can offer.

Billy: [welling up with tears] But I’m only five.

Ayn: What of it! That is no reason to withhold your labor! Just unwrap your next present−no, I will tell you what it is. It is a bill.

Billy: A bill?

Ayn: It is the hospital bill from the day you were born. Did you think I gave birth to you, Billy? No, it was but an investment, and one on which I hope to collect soon.

Billy: Can I open my stocking now?

Ayn: It contains only a pen to fill out your job application. Have your resume ready by the end of the day.

Halloween

Billy: Bye, Mom! I’m going trick or treating!

Ayn: Billy Howard-Roark Rand, you will do no such thing!

Billy: Huh? But I’ve been working on my ghost costume all week!

Ayn: I will not have any child of mine haunting the neighborhood as the spectre of Communism haunts Europe.

Billy: I just want candy.

Ayn: Surely you mean you would like to attain a great deal of candy by the sweat of your brow, not be given it like a sweet-toothed Bolshevik.

[The doorbell rings.]

Children: Trick or treat!

Ayn: Trick!? You think you can trick me? I released the hounds the second you arrived.

Valentine’s Day

Billy: Mom! Look how many valentines I got at school today.

Ayn: This is terrible news.

Billy: But everybody likes me!

Ayn: Pay no heed to the fickle affections of your peers. Human relationships are but obstacles in your pursuit of excellence.

Billy: This one has a doggy on it!

Ayn: Vulgar.

Billy: …It says “I woof you.”

Ayn: It is only your childish ignorance that allows you to believe in woof.

4th of July

Ayn: Happy Fourth of July, little Rand! Today commemorates the founding of the world’s great bastion of capitalism. We will celebrate in the most meaningful way possible. Hand me those fireworks.

Billy: Fireworks?

Ayn: Fireworks, Billy. A most thrilling display of human ingenuity and man’s dominance over nature.

Billy: I like fireworks because they’re pretty.

Ayn: For instance, if I am to point this small bottle rocket at that cluster of trees−

[Nearby forest bursts into flames.]

Billy: Oh my God!

Ayn: There is no God, Billy.
**

Thanksgiving**

[Pulling up in car.]

Billy: Why do I have to go to Mom’s house for Thanksgiving again? I want to stay with you and Martha!

Dan Rand: C’mon Billy. You know it’s part of the settlement…

Ayn: [popping up beside the car, with an axe in one hand and a live turkey in the other] Good to see you, Billy! Let us each say what we are most thankful for.

Billy: [frightened] Dad?

Ayn: [chopping off turkey’s head] I am thankful for cunning, Atlas Shrugged, and the death of Immanuel Kant!

Billy: I’m thankful for…

Ayn: The death of Immanuel Kant? Your continued existence as a parasite upon my brilliance? The Fountainhead? Staying awake for days and days and days?

Billy: Dad!

Dan: Look, she’s not my problem anymore. I’ll see you on Tuesday.

Billy: This is the worst birthday ever.

Volume 20- Issue 1

Reallife

Realdoll

September 1, 2010

feature, Rebecca Power

The makers of Realdoll™ are pleased to announce the release of their long-awaited, one-sided-relationship-enhancing Reallife™ expansion series. Finally, a way for you and your significant plaything to experience all the joys of a committed relationship with the same authentic feel and unparalleled anatomical accuracy our customers have sworn to come by. Order in the next fourteen days and receive a year’s free subscription to our catalog plus 30% off groping and handling on your next purchase.

Realbaby

Feel like your relationship has reached a stalemate? Tired of the same old dinner-and-a-movie, sex, rinse-thoroughly-with-a mild-detergent and repeat? Rekindle your romance with the tender delights and physically irreversible wonders of parenthood! Made with the same high quality silicone and genuine human hair as the original, each Realbaby is custom-made from one of eighteen heads and twelve haircolors to best match you and your rubber girlfriend’s genetic code. But that’s not all! Every Realbaby comes complete with:

Three Detachable Trimester Tummies For an authentic maternal appearance and months of weepy tension and insecurity.
Lactation Inserts Complete with milk duct installation kit and six starter packets of whipped cream.

Satisfy her irrational midnight cravings with this Eight Inch Pickle .
Tattered Replacement Vagina For realistic after-birth encounters. Afterbirth sold separately.

Realadultery

Has the onset of complacency left your love life lacking its jouissance? Nothing puts the thrill back in a relationship like the tight-lipped suspicion of infidelity! And while your doll can’t actually close her mouth, her usual protracted silences are sure to crackle with newfound resentment and hostility. Order now and receive:

Realadultressdoll Just like your original. Except this model weighs twenty pounds less.
Realfake Gym Membership Adds credibility to the lies about why you come home smelling like sweat and WD-40 every evening.
Your Incriminating Credit Card Bill Doubles as your actual bill for this product. Guaranteed to alienate not only your Realdoll but also your entire extended family!
Silica Butcher Knife For the climactic moment when your tangled web of lies is finally unraveled. Handle unscrews to become dildo for use during inevitable make-up sex.

Realcounseling

Have intimacy issues that will take more than an extra dollop of Astroglide to fix? Our Realcounseling couples therapy sessions will give you the chance to work through any problem you can and do imagine. From her irresponsible spending to your increasingly violent reactions to synthetic polymers, our team of experts will manufacture the answers. Includes:

Real Counselor Sign up with one of our dubiously credentialed relationship specialists, now established in over 30 metropolitan areas. Our counselors aren’t just Real, they’re actually real!
Emotional Role-Playing Finger Puppets Use inanimate objects to act out situations you’re too self-conscious to act out with your Real inanimate object.
Blame and Forgiveness Faces Pack While her highly-articulated stainless steel joints already allow for a fair share of finger-pointing, these interchangeable expressions will add a whole new dimension to the synthetic healing process.
Tears Comes complete with funnel to refill bottle with tears of your own.