An Essay

written by someone who has had too many energy drinks

Max Ebert


History 124B

The history of the Cold War is rich in mystery and complexity. Who started the war? How close were the Russians and Americans to destroying each other? How did the war play out in the political landscapes of Third World countries? These are all challenging questions that one might ponder while chugging a Red Bull at 3 A.M. the morning before a paper demanding the answers to such questions is due. But can a simple answer really be found? Based on the thousands of pages of assigned reading which I failed to complete this semester, I would argue that I’m going to need three more Red Bulls to know if it’s even possible to know that. Thesis: I am so tired. I am so goddamn tired. Is it even possible to drink that many? Oh my God it is because I just did. Okay. Okay. The Cold War: communism versus capitalism. Truman versus that one guy. The CIA versus the Middle Passage and the burgeoning American slave trade. Wait, shit shit shit. That’s my other class. Wow, am I shaking?

Yep, I’m totally shaking. Did you know that 5-Hour Energy is 8333% of your daily Vitamin B12? Furthermore, did you know that two 5-Hour Energies is 16666% of your daily Vitamin B12? That can’t be right. Oh fuck, it is. How much is too much? How much time did it take the Soviet Union to develop a fully functioning system of satellite states? How much energy could an energy drink drink if an energy could drink help me Jesus. Calm down. There’s only one solution: Switch. to. Rockstar.

While historians such as Melvyn P. Leffler have posited that no history of the Cold War can ever be written without nationalist bias, I just googled pictures of babies who got hit with bombs. What a downer. They’re bleeding, like, everywhere. Esteemed U.S. president Dwight D. Eisenhower I think once stated, “Only a Communist bleeds red blood.”1 Indeed, Communists are losers, especially when they’re babies.2 Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE! Red blood. Red Bull. RED bull. RED BULL!!! They’re everywhere. The Communists are back and they’re giving us wiiings!3 My heart. Oh God. My heart.

Keep it together, man. Focus. Hey, How I Met Your Mother is on!4 I don’t have time to watch How I Met Your Mother. I bet I can work on this essay while I watch How I Met Your Mother. In his book The Cold War: An Oral History, John Gaddis records the following conversation with his father, an aging veteran of the Cold War:

_Back in the war, you never knew how things were gonna turn out. You never knew if the nuclear holocaust was just     around the corner, or who your mother was. Sometimes I thought I was minutes away from death. Sometimes I thought  Ted was finally going to reveal that Robin was the mother of his children. And when are Lily and Marshall going to have a baby? I nearly lost my leg in Korea, and they can’t give Barney a bigger role in the show? Shit, I need to turn off the TV and finish this essay._5


So what do I know about the Cold War, you may ask? The real question is what do you know about the Cold War, Professor McSmartyPants. Seriously, I didn’t go to class, and if you could tell me it would really help me out.

In conclusion, this paper is due in fifteen minutes.

1.     See… course reader?
2.     See babies. Babies suck.  
3.     Like in Red Dawn.
4.     on Hulu after I searched for it. 
5.     Starting on 9/8/10, this essay may be found at