The makers of Realdoll™ are pleased to announce the release of their long-awaited, one-sided-relationship-enhancing Reallife™ expansion series. Finally, a way for you and your significant plaything to experience all the joys of a committed relationship with the same authentic feel and unparalleled anatomical accuracy our customers have sworn to come by. Order in the next fourteen days and receive a year’s free subscription to our catalog plus 30% off groping and handling on your next purchase.
Feel like your relationship has reached a stalemate? Tired of the same old dinner-and-a-movie, sex, rinse-thoroughly-with-a mild-detergent and repeat? Rekindle your romance with the tender delights and physically irreversible wonders of parenthood! Made with the same high quality silicone and genuine human hair as the original, each Realbaby is custom-made from one of eighteen heads and twelve haircolors to best match you and your rubber girlfriend’s genetic code. But that’s not all! Every Realbaby comes complete with:
Three Detachable Trimester Tummies For an authentic maternal appearance and months of weepy tension and insecurity.
Lactation Inserts Complete with milk duct installation kit and six starter packets of whipped cream.
Satisfy her irrational midnight cravings with this Eight Inch Pickle .
Tattered Replacement Vagina For realistic after-birth encounters. Afterbirth sold separately.
Has the onset of complacency left your love life lacking its jouissance? Nothing puts the thrill back in a relationship like the tight-lipped suspicion of infidelity! And while your doll can’t actually close her mouth, her usual protracted silences are sure to crackle with newfound resentment and hostility. Order now and receive:
Realadultressdoll Just like your original. Except this model weighs twenty pounds less.
Realfake Gym Membership Adds credibility to the lies about why you come home smelling like sweat and WD-40 every evening.
Your Incriminating Credit Card Bill Doubles as your actual bill for this product. Guaranteed to alienate not only your Realdoll but also your entire extended family!
Silica Butcher Knife For the climactic moment when your tangled web of lies is finally unraveled. Handle unscrews to become dildo for use during inevitable make-up sex.
Have intimacy issues that will take more than an extra dollop of Astroglide to fix? Our Realcounseling couples therapy sessions will give you the chance to work through any problem you can and do imagine. From her irresponsible spending to your increasingly violent reactions to synthetic polymers, our team of experts will manufacture the answers. Includes:
Real Counselor Sign up with one of our dubiously credentialed relationship specialists, now established in over 30 metropolitan areas. Our counselors aren’t just Real, they’re actually real!
Emotional Role-Playing Finger Puppets Use inanimate objects to act out situations you’re too self-conscious to act out with your Real inanimate object.
Blame and Forgiveness Faces Pack While her highly-articulated stainless steel joints already allow for a fair share of finger-pointing, these interchangeable expressions will add a whole new dimension to the synthetic healing process.
Tears Comes complete with funnel to refill bottle with tears of your own.