Part I: How to Become a Slam Poet
Do you have what it takes to be a Slam Poet? Well, do you have a bandana? Do you sit in a Starbucks and write in a tiny notebook about how fake … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Student Tires of Philosophy-major Girlfriend
Michael Nash, a third-year Berkeley student, has decided to end his eight-month relationship with Jamie Peters, a second-year Berkeley student and philosophy major.
“I just can’t take it anymore,” Nash lamented to a close friend. “Every time I ask her … Read More
Chancellor Excited About New Career
In a recent interview, Chancellor Berdahl announced his intention to drop his post-retirement teaching plans in the hopes of realizing his full potential as “that guy who plays the Campanile bells every day at noon.” The grueling nature of his … Read More
Top Ten New Snack Slogans for 12-year-olds
Joel Stephanson: Candidate for President of the United States
“Yesterday, December 7, 1941 GAA a date which will live in infamy GAA the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”
GAA Franklin Delano Roosevelt, December 8th, 1941… Read More
Shit Goes Down in Haiti
In the last week or so, some serious shit has gone down in Haiti, according to a White House statement released Thursday. “Shit’s all fucked up and we don’t think anyone really knows what’s going on. Totally random,” said press … Read More
Top Ten Worst World Records to Hold
- Least time with mother’s love
- Most uplifting Pantera album
- Deadest baby
- Most nostrils
- Gayest scarf
- Wife won’t shut up
- Fattest fat fatty
- Least amount of skin
- Biggest Jew
- Most needs his nappy time
Top Ten Signs Your Roommate Is an Old Delta Bluesman
- Sports an “Old Delta Bluesman” T-shirt, but not ironically
- Ken Burns always peering through the windows
- Lots of red suspenders
- His room always smells like whiskey and tears
- Don’t done got no replacement toilet roll
- Every week, Eric Clapton stops
History? OK!
From the dawn of human civilization to its apex in the mid-1920s and beyond, people have been compiling quite a file that in its wisdom calls history. History documents many important things for its present-day pupils, for instance the evolution … Read More
Shit Do I Love Cussing
Let me tell you something, I fucking love to cuss. Cussing has revolutionized my life; now I get myself heard. I remember way back in middle school, when I was a big pussy. I thought cussing was evil or something; … Read More
