- Wears a lot of turtlenecks
- Enjoys “musical theatre,” insofar as “musical theatre” is “being homosexually dominated”
- Insists on scented candles when dripping hot wax onto his groin
- Sports leather platform boots when attending ’70s-themed parties, when not attending ’70s-themed parties
Author Archives: The Squelch
Shit Goes Down in Haiti
In the last week or so, some serious shit has gone down in Haiti, according to a White House statement released Thursday. “Shit’s all fucked up and we don’t think anyone really knows what’s going on. Totally random,” said press … Read More
Top Ten Things Overheard on Cable Action Shows
Top Five Pickup Lines That Women Like to Hear
Top Ten Lesser-known Aphorisms of Benjamin Franklin
Joel Stephanson: Candidate for President of the United States
“Yesterday, December 7, 1941 GAA a date which will live in infamy GAA the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.”
GAA Franklin Delano Roosevelt, December 8th, 1941… Read More
Girl Alleges Boba-Related Sexual Harassment
First time boba drinker Elaine Casey is currently pressing charges against local eatery Boba Land for sexual harassment and psychological damage. Last Friday Casey, a UC Berkeley freshman from Bakersfield, ordered an almond milk tea drink and was shocked and … Read More
Chancellor Excited About New Career
In a recent interview, Chancellor Berdahl announced his intention to drop his post-retirement teaching plans in the hopes of realizing his full potential as “that guy who plays the Campanile bells every day at noon.” The grueling nature of his … Read More
Top Five Most Popular Baby Names Given by Retarded Parents
- Madison, the most retarded name of all
- Skee-Ball
- Mrs. Carlson, or whatever the name of their social worker is
- Disneyland
- Graham Crackers
Comcast Gives Back for Not Giving
Today Comcast announced its first annual public luncheon to give back to the community for paying exorbitant amounts of money while rolling the dice on whether or not to actually provide service to thousands of customers. Said service technician Johnny … Read More