- African American Studies 11/Latin American Studies 9 (cross-listed): Why You’re Too Lazy to Steal
- Comparative Literature 2: Chaucer’s Revenge
- Physics 142C: The Physics of Cum Trajectory
- Landscape Architecture 39H: You Don’t Have to Take My Word for It, You KNOW
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Five Reasons Old Yeller Had to Die
- You just killed the Yearling; didn’t want to dig two holes
- For your sins
- To prevent a sequel
- Sudden appearance of New Yeller
- Knew too much
Top Ten Most Comfortable Ways to Die
- Extremely mild leukemia
- Spooning a bear
- Dehydration from relentless oral sex
- Metaphorically
- Being shot in a Brookstone massage chair
- Eaten by toothless dinosaur
- Choking on feathers
- A car accident, while reclining and drinking a non-poisonous beer
- Drinking a poisonous beer
Top Ten Second-rate Magic Tricks
- The Magic of Reading
- Contracting HIV but maintaining a high T-cell count
- Removing grape juice from a carpet with Oxy-Clean
- Turning a half-full glass of water into a half-empty glass of water
- Levitating a Hovercraft
- Reading your own mind
- Unzipping
Top Ten Misogynistic Rock Songs
- You Are the Walrus
- [Four minutes of Ike Turner rambling incoherently]
- Roxanne (or Whatever Your Name Was)
- Don’t Fear the Reaper, Fear Your Husband
- D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T
- Baby, You Can’t Drive My Car (No, Really, You Can’t)
- Black Eye of the Tiger
Band’s Death Leads Baltic Region to War
Freshman Kyle Watkins sat up suddenly in history class today, stunned to learn that world war had broken out over the death of hot new rock group Franz Ferdinand.
“Shit, I didn’t even know they were from Austria,” he explained.… Read More
Welcome Week
As I write these words, it is Sunday night. Move-in Weekend is coming to a close, and the Berkeley campus is overrun with freshpeople. There’s lots of them, disproportionately lots of them, since other undergrads don’t really need to be … Read More
Kerry Went to Vietnam to Kill Babies
According to a group of Vietnam veterans who claim to have served with John Kerry, Kerry’s initial motivation for joining the military was to kill defenseless babies. While none of the veterans have accused Kerry of killing any babies, most … Read More
Voting Deemed “Out” by <i>Cosmo</i>
Voter registration groups are reeling following a declaration in the September 2004 issue of Cosmopolitan that the act of voting is officially out of style.
“Not only have young women stopped registering to vote in our precinct,” stated Judith Miller, … Read More
Top Five Morally Ambiguous Acts
- Cheating on your ugly girlfriend
- Buying a Toyota Prius and using the gas you saved to burn forests
- Reading to deaf people
- Killing an anti-Pope
- Aborting Hitler
