Ah, the Wonder Years. That special time in a boy’s life from 8 to 8:30 on ABC’s Wednesday night lineup. Sadly, the show deeply misled the youth of America by making us think that during any conversation or event in … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Friends Worried About Joe
Local pedophile Joe Flagherty has started to lose interest in his illegal hobby and is drifting away from his pedophile friends.
Flagherty recently purchased the Sony Playstation 2 and Xbox game consoles to add to his colorful candy-filled living room, … Read More
Words from the Top
JOKE! Apologies Are for Ethnics
_Last month, we ran a piece called “A Guide to University Speech Codes.” However, we seem to have forgotten to include the word “JOKE!” in big block letters before satirizing the climate of hysterical political correctness on college campuses. In … Read More
Scenes from <i>Stand and Deliver</i> If It Took Place in an Upper-middle-class High School in the San Fernando Valley
The Principal
Jaime Escalante: Principal Richman, I look forward to teaching these kids. They come from nothing, and no one believes in them, but I can get through to them. I’ll show them that calculGAA
Principal: Wait a second, you’re … Read More
<i>Pirates of the Caribbean</i> Party Results in No Booty
Jeremy Stout, a fifth-year mass communications major, has finally decided to depledge from fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha after not getting any action at their “Pirates of the Caribbean” party last Friday.
For the party, AAA hired DJ Chentastic, who spun … Read More
Top Ten Converted Rock Bands
- Peter, Paul, and Mary (the Ones from the Bible)
- The Chemical-free Brothers
- Guns N’ Moses
- Nirvana…Does Not Exist
- Green Day That the Lord Hath Made
- Three Wise Men at Work
- Not-so-bad Religion
- John 3:11
- Burning Bush
- Ozzy Osbourne Again
If Every Problem at Cal Could Be Solved with a Form Letter
September 24, 2004
University of California, Berkeley
Billing and Payment Services
192 University Hall #1110
Berkeley, CA 94720
Dear UC Regents:
Thank you for your interest in receiving the money we owe you. We are always pleased to hear from … Read More
O! The Perils of Democracy…Throughout Time.
Bureaucracy. Though we may have trouble spelling the word, the features that embody the concept are all too familiar: paperwork, red tape, waiting periods, committees, paperwork. But this condition is not unique to tax and spend commies or those fast-talking … Read More
Health Care for the Streets
If you’re like most poor people, you’re probably having some problems finding decent health coverage, but you probably aren’t having any problems finding diseases. When shopping for back-alley physicians, always remember the back-alley Hippocratic Oath: “If it’s an unlimited supply … Read More
New Cola Remedies Human Condition
The lasting despair and bittersweet pain that have plagued humankind since its inception have finally been obliterated by the advent of Coca-Cola’s newest beverage, C2GA$A3, according to spokesman Ken Harper. “With only half the calories of Coca-Cola Classic, C2 has … Read More
