Dear Heirs and Heiresses,
Thank you for coming to the reading of my will. My lawyer, Bill Edmonds, will be conducting the reading, and is legally obliged to read every word. Since I never liked Bill: shitsucker! I, Bill Edmonds, … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Squelch Endorsements of the Future
After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda … Read More
The Seminal Works of Dr. Seuss
Most people think of Dr. Seuss as the lovable children’s author. Because of this, we’ve put together a collection of his most famous works and annotated them with informative notes writen by scholars named me. Also included in this exclusive … Read More
A Parent’s Guide to Your Daughter’s Future
A growing problem among young girls in the U.S. is their tendency to set low goals for themselves. The seeds of underachievement can take root in little girls as young as three or four and can often be seen in … Read More
Sports for the Deadbeat Dad
Studies have shown and sitcoms agree that the most important thing a father can do is pressure his children to play sports. But what if you don’t have time for that shit?
72% GAA forging McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces
21% … Read More
A Day in the Life of Ma-ti
Planeteer with the Power of Heart
Power Assignment Meeting
Captain Planet: So we’ve got the four main elements covered and assigned to the proper ethnic stereotype, but what is it that Indians do again?
Gaia: Dot Indian or Feather Indian?
Captain Planet: Umm, dot, I guess.… Read More
Veteran Weeps Uncontrollably
The fragile remains of local auto mechanic and Vietnam veteran Jacob Renwood’s feeble grasp on reality disintegrated Thursday night during a commercial for a Vietnam-themed video game. “It brought me back,” sobbed Renwood, lamenting his lost youth, “you know, to … Read More
Disabled Students Program
I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This qualifies me for registration with the Disabled Students Program (DSP), which is the office that organizes academic accommodations like Extended Time Testing (ETT) and Note Taking Assistance (NTA) for students with Documented Learning … Read More
European Geography Clarified
At a formal European Council meeting yesterday, Sweden and Switzerland confirmed what many Americans have long suspected: they’re both really the same country.
For years Europeans had scoffed at Americans who confused the always-neutral Swiss with the oft-noncombatant Swedes, but … Read More
Iraqi Prisoners Put On Freedom Play
Lt. Col. Rebecca Hastings decided it would be fun for everyone if the Iraqi prisoners put on a play about why they love freedom so much.
“Everyone’s always so glum around here,” she said. “I thought it would be nice … Read More
