According to most of the studies done on this kind of thing, America is the fattest country in the world. I know for a fact that this isn’t true, because I know of some island nation somewhere where, no lie, … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
NY Times Reports: Lots of Asians Go to Cal
The New York Times sent shockwaves through the news cycle this weekend when they published a feature article breaking the story that Asian kids are good at school. According to the Times, although Asians make up only 5% of the … Read More
President Ford Remembered for Legacy of Oafery
At a funeral service in Washington earlier this month, Gerald Ford, the 38th and indisputably most goofy president of the United States, was honored by several members of his former cabinet with a tribute to the former Commander-in-Chief’s exemplary leadership … Read More
Back-Alley Mike’s School of Back-Alley Self-Defense
Thanks to the Democrats, 3-time “King of the C-Block Showers” Back-Alley Mike is back on the street to teach you the fundamentals of self defense.
“Staring down the barrel of a gun is one of the most challenging situations … Read More
The Truth About the Future
In the 1980’s, no doubt you imagined that the year 2000 would be filled with futuristic Jetsonesque wonders like flying cars, moving floors, and equality in the workplace. Oh, how very wrong you were. We at the Squelch are here … Read More
Rick Santorum?s Job Search Hits a Dead End on Monster.com
Having been defeated in the mid-term election, former Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) slammed his keyboard down in disgust. “Dammit! It’s called monster.com. I thought I’d at least be able to find a job that involved scaring little children and taking … Read More
Discount Wisdom
They say the lion is the king of the jungle, but I think it’s the bulldozer.
I sympathize with animal rights activists, because I think animals are people too. Inferior, delicious, inhuman people.
People always tell me I make delicious … Read More
Woman Drowns Virtual Pets
On the night of October 17th, Mary Hensler of Alameda placed her two Tamagotchi alongside her Pokemon Blue game pak in the back seat of her car. With her passengers secured, Hensler placed a brick on the accelerator on the … Read More
Rumsfeld Resignation Address
[Rumsfeld enters and takes the podium]
Thank you all for coming. As you may have inferred from the mid-term election results, I am resigning the post of Secretary of Defense. Before I take leave of you, I have … Read More
Great Moments in the History of Invention
Explosives
Inventor of the Dynamite Stick : MOTHER FUCK! OH FUCK MY MOTHERFUCKING ARM IS GONE!!!
Inventor of the Dynamite Fuse : Next time, try using one of these. It’s called a fuse.
Inventor of the Dynamite Stick : Will … Read More
