The New York Times sent shockwaves through the news cycle this weekend when they published a feature article breaking the story that Asian kids are good at school. According to the Times, although Asians make up only 5% of the … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Transformers They Don’t Want You to Know About
Breakout
Transforms from a robot without herpes to a robot with herpes after having unprotected sex with Optimus Prime
Alternate Modes: Robot in free clinic, Robot calling all her old boyfriends
Motto: “But you’re the only one I’ve … Read More
The Diary of the Last Man on Earth
Janaury 18, 2008
It’s been three weeks now since the sky turned green and the storms began. I thought it was some kind of terrorist attack, or environmental disaster, but I’m at a loss for what really happened. I’ve been … Read More
Great Moments in the History of Invention
Explosives
Inventor of the Dynamite Stick : MOTHER FUCK! OH FUCK MY MOTHERFUCKING ARM IS GONE!!!
Inventor of the Dynamite Fuse : Next time, try using one of these. It’s called a fuse.
Inventor of the Dynamite Stick : Will … Read More
Rumsfeld Resignation Address
[Rumsfeld enters and takes the podium]
Thank you all for coming. As you may have inferred from the mid-term election results, I am resigning the post of Secretary of Defense. Before I take leave of you, I have … Read More
Woman Drowns Virtual Pets
On the night of October 17th, Mary Hensler of Alameda placed her two Tamagotchi alongside her Pokemon Blue game pak in the back seat of her car. With her passengers secured, Hensler placed a brick on the accelerator on the … Read More
Homeless Comedians
Jerry Seinfeld
I don’t know about you guys, but I like to stay clean. But it’s so much trouble these days. Every time you get clean you’re just gonna rub vomit in your hair all over again.
[laughter]… Read More
The Truth About the Future
In the 1980’s, no doubt you imagined that the year 2000 would be filled with futuristic Jetsonesque wonders like flying cars, moving floors, and equality in the workplace. Oh, how very wrong you were. We at the Squelch are here … Read More
Invisimask Advertisement
From the makers of Invisalign, the invisible braces, comes Invisimask. The Invisimask system is a mostly painless system for facial correction and beautification. Developed by NASA for ugly astronauts, the patented space-age Uglon technology subtly alters your facial features while … Read More
Grey’s Anatomy
INT. MEDICAL HOSPITAL – NIGHT
It’s the third shift at a DOWNTOWN medical hospital. DESPITE the LATE hour, the HOSPITAL is humming STEADILY.
The camera tracks through the hospital, showing us many hospital
things, then follows a gurney as it … Read More
